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What to do- friend can't afford to come

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#1 ktchi

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    Posted 30 March 2010 - 10:39 PM

    I have a situation. I have a close friend who just told me that she can't afford to come to my wedding. She has been telling me all along (for the year and a half I have been engaged) that she is coming, but finally told me she can't afford it (two months before the wedding). The question is- I can afford to pay for her to come- do I do it? We have not paid for anyone else- nor offered. We knew going into this that some people would not be able to afford to come to the wedding. I would feel guilty paying for her when we made everyone else pay for themselves. Also when she got married I was in grad school and I managed to pay for my bridesmaid dress, flights to her wedding, bridal shower, engagement party and gifts for every single one of those events (oh yeah and helped pay for the bridal shower) at a time when I did not have much money. I understand it is different for her she has a family to support now and they really are struggling. But she has also chosen to put herself in this position by have children young and not going back to work. I am so torn. It is hard to image my wedding without her, but do I spend $800 to have her there?

    #2 Cindy*

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      Posted 30 March 2010 - 11:03 PM

      Hmmm, I guess it is really up to you how much you want her there and whether you are willing to pay for her to be there. I am paying for my best friend (MOH) to come to my wedding. We decided to do this because she can't afford it and I wanted her to be there. With respect to not paying for anyone else, I understand your concern. We have not told anyone we paid for her and have no intention of doing so as we have not paid for anyone else. Good luck with your decision.

      #3 JENISE

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        Posted 30 March 2010 - 11:09 PM

        I'm with Cindy. If you really want her there for your big day, I'd say to pay for her. She, I'm sure would be very grateful. Why don't you offer to pay half. Tell her you'll HELP her and have her find a way to pay the other half. Whatever you decide, I definetly would not tell anyone else that you paid her way. Just to keep the peace you know.

        Good luck with your big day and whatever you decide. Don't forget to let us know your final decision.

        #4 Jessica

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          Posted 30 March 2010 - 11:11 PM

          I think you have to follow your heart. If you have the money to pay for her and if she's been a good friend and would be someone you definitely want at your wedding I would strongly consider it.

          I paid for some of my mother's expenses and brother's expenses. I also completely paid for my cousin to come. It was sort of a similiar situation in that my cousin was all amped to come and then about 2 months beforehand she tells me that she doesn't have the money she thought she would. I had the $800 to spare (see - really similiar story!) and in my case I didn't even have to think about it. I am super close to my cousin and I WANTED her there. It was really important to me that she was there and for me it was worth the expense. I just kept it low key. Neither she nor I really told anyone about it. I also didn't feel like I needed to feel guilty or explain to anyone why I paid her full travel and hotel expenses because it's what I wanted to do.

          I think whatever choice you make is ok as long as you are completely comfortable with it.

          #5 Holly22

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            Posted 31 March 2010 - 12:23 AM

            I think if she is a good friend and you want her there you shouldn't even question it.

            How old are her children? Maybe she can't afford to bring the whole family and won't leave her kids for a week? Would she even go if its just her?
            Maybe money isn't the only issue.

            #6 Angel-in-Law

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              Posted 31 March 2010 - 02:01 AM

              You are in no way obligated to pay for her to come, but as you said you can afford to, you have to decide how much you want her there.

              I am paying for my MOH and bridesmaids' accommodations. I made the decision knowing that many of them could afford to pay all of their own expenses, but I thought it would be a kind gesture. They will be responsible for their own travel costs. I also will be paying for accommodations and airfare for 3-4 close family members that could not financially afford to come otherwise but I really want to be there.

              I have another friend that already told me she may not be able to come to my wedding because she is planning her own wedding. She is one of my best friends, but at this point I do not plan to offer to help her with expenses because I've made the decision to limit financial help to the bridal party and immediate family. Otherwise, helping others could get out of hand.

              You said you really want your friend to be there and she really is struggling. I like the suggestion that someone else mentioned, have a candid talk with your friend and ask what she can afford. Perhaps if you pay part she could swing the rest.

              #7 mlabbe

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                Posted 31 March 2010 - 02:07 AM

                We are offering to help friends attend since we have a minimum # of rooms that we have to fill and we have quite a few empty rooms. If we don't fill them with friends, we would still be paying for empty rooms! Regardless of this I would have still helped friends that I really wanted to have there, should they have needed the help. If she's willing to let you help her, I say go for it.

                #8 FutureMrsTO

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                  Posted 31 March 2010 - 02:42 AM

                  i think that you should do whatever you think is best. you don't have to let anyone know you helped her out and maybe if she is too proud to take the trip you can always offer to loan her the money for the trip? good luck!

                  #9 donutdjn

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                    Posted 31 March 2010 - 03:51 AM

                    Your heart will tell you what to do, we are paying for my parents, my brother in law and his daughter.

                    #10 roo66

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                      Posted 31 March 2010 - 05:22 AM

                      I think you need to think a little more before you decide either way.
                      If you offered to pay and she turned you down how would you feel?
                      Will you forever value your friendship on the fact you paid for her ticket.I guess what i mean is if she were to let you down later would you hold it against her.Will you always be thinking i paid her ticket and she had a fab time and the least she could do is .......
                      Do you understand what i mean?
                      If you cannot imagine your wedding day without her then i guess you have the answer
                      I think you need to keep quiet about paying no one needs to know
                      I would be incredibly upset if i couldnt afford it and someone paid for me.
                      Just another thought how would you feel if following your wedding she tells you they have made a big purchase that is equal or more than the wedding trip?
                      Another bride has found herself in this position i think the friend has booked a trip to Mexico.
                      Good luck with your decision making xxx

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