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Does this make me a horrible person????


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#21 carolina24

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    Posted 01 December 2009 - 10:44 PM

    yes there are things worse than weight gain, but we can't spend our lives 'worrying' about situations that we aren't experiencing. On the other hand, while its perfectly normal for you to not feel as attracted to him, there is no reason why you should feel embarrassed by him. Think of how hurt you would be if he felt embarrassed of you. maybe it was a poor choice of words, but if you truly feel embarrassed about the way he'll look at the wedding, then there are insecurities in your life that have nothing to do with your FI. for better or worse, right?

    #22 Andi

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      Posted 01 December 2009 - 11:18 PM

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by carolina24
      yes there are things worse than weight gain, but we can't spend our lives 'worrying' about situations that we aren't experiencing. On the other hand, while its perfectly normal for you to not feel as attracted to him, there is no reason why you should feel embarrassed by him. Think of how hurt you would be if he felt embarrassed of you. maybe it was a poor choice of words, but if you truly feel embarrassed about the way he'll look at the wedding, then there are insecurities in your life that have nothing to do with your FI. for better or worse, right?
      I think this is well said

      #23 JUSTUSTWO

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        Posted 01 December 2009 - 11:37 PM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by KJT1985
        I understand what you ladies are trying to say but love and attraction are two different things. Just because you would love your husbands if they gained a bunch of weight doesn't mean you would still find him AS attractive. I hate it when people say looks don't matter because they do. That doesn't mean there is an absolute beauty, attractiveness is different for everybody. But NATURE also makes it so we HAVE to be attracted physically to a person to fall in love with them. I'd bet anything that none of you ladies think your husband is ugly. It's just the way nature works. So to say it (or his health) shouldn't matter is a bunch of malarkey, IMO. She's not saying she doesn't love him anymore - just that she's not as attracted to him which is totally understandable. I'm also willing to bet that those of you saying it wouldn't matter haven't suffered weight issues with yourself or a loved one. You probably don't understand all the emotional effects of being overweight or loving and accepting somebody who's overweight. Acceptance is a lot easier said than done.
        This is just my opinion, but going by what you have said, does that mean that if your FI's looks changed for some reason after marriage, your love for him would change?
        At what point in a relationship do you "look" beyond looks & think of love? Now don't get me wrong. If my DH was a neat person from day 1 & all of a sudden became sloppy, I'd have an issue. But, I'd address it b/c if he's my best friend and partner, then there shouldn't be any issue in this world that we can't talk about honestly and openly, without hurting each others feelings.
        I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think its rare that everyone stays the exact same way from the day you met till years later. We all change & thats just a part of life. We all have things about ourselves & our significant others that will change over time and to me, if there's a change that one of you doesn't like that impacts your relationship to the point that you're embarassed, then thats definitely a problem, but I think it should be addressed with each other, in a way that doesn't degrade, embarrass or hurt the other person.

        In terms of your other statement, does it really matter whether or not I've dealt with weight issues or have a loved one who has to determine whether my feelings/opinion is relevant? I consider myself to be pretty empathetic so despite the fact that I'm not in the situation at the moment in not liking the way my DH looks, I can relate to my own weight issues and that doesn't mean that I couldn't understand where she's possibly coming from. Based on her saying that he has a genetic predisposition to this means that this is an issue she was aware of at the beginning of the relationship and I'm thinking she accepted that at the time. So if that was accepted then why is it hard to accept now?

        For the original poster, and don't get me wrong, but was the weight gain sudden? Did you not notice the weight gain before it got to a level that bothered you?

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by carolina24
        yes there are things worse than weight gain, but we can't spend our lives 'worrying' about situations that we aren't experiencing. On the other hand, while its perfectly normal for you to not feel as attracted to him, there is no reason why you should feel embarrassed by him. Think of how hurt you would be if he felt embarrassed of you. maybe it was a poor choice of words, but if you truly feel embarrassed about the way he'll look at the wedding, then there are insecurities in your life that have nothing to do with your FI. for better or worse, right?
        Again, just my opinion but I also agree with this. When I originally read the post, I thought that this was interesting. As women, we're always made out to be "sensitive" about our weight and any body changes. With that being said, the minute our FI's/DH's bring up our weight or our bodies, we get upset.
        If this were any woman posting this, we'd all be behind her calling her FI/DH all sorts of names at the mere thought that he was embarrassed about her.
        So its just interesting to me how don't find issue with the way this was phrased but if the roles were reversed we'd be calling the husband/fiance insensitive & other not so nice words.

        #24 brandynd

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          Posted 01 December 2009 - 11:59 PM

          I completely agree with you. I think that if a man had said all of this about his fianc©, that the insights most of the women have posted would be entirely reversed. And saying that those of us who believe that looks don’t matter have never struggled with weight is COMPLETELY wrong. I gained almost 50 pounds after meeting FI (which I’ve JUST finished losing, hallelujah!), and he stood behind me 100%. He still thought that I was beautiful, and our sex life didn’t really suffer, because whenever I felt bad about the way that my body looked, he was there to remind me that I was still beautiful and desirable, regardless of what number the scale happened to read that day.
          I think that if you truly love and care about a person, then you’re going to think the sun shines out of their ass regardless of whether they weigh 150 pounds or 300 pounds. Granted, the first thing that you’re going to be attracted to is their looks, but come on ladies, if you’re engaged to marry someone, there should be a little more substance to your attraction to them than just looks…just saying, if looks changing and weight fluctuation in your future hubby is that much of a turn-off for you, then maybe you should re-think walking down that aisle.
          So yes, maybe your FI put on a little weight. I’m not saying that encouraging him to get healthy is a bad thing, but coming out and telling him you’ve noticed he’s been putting on weight is going to hurt him any way that you slice it. What you need to be asking yourself is whether or not hurting the man you love is worth having him lose a few pounds so he can look a certain way that you deem acceptable.
          I don’t mean to sound rude, and I’m not trying to amp anyone up, but honestly, some of the advice offered is going to do more harm than good. Instead of bringing up the issue of weight at all (which I don’t recommend you do) why don’t you sign yourself and FI up for some fun activity, like indoor soccer or something? They have great couples leagues, and it’ll get FI off the couch…..without being critical of him.
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          #25 KJT1985

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            Posted 02 December 2009 - 12:02 AM

            That's not what I'm saying at all and I don't think she ever suggested she didn't love him because of his weight. Notice how I said we have to be attracted to a person to FALL in love with them? LOOKS are the reason we stuck around in the beginning, love is why we stick around now. During every relationship there's a natural transition where you learn more and more about the person and fall in love with what's on the inside but if we're honest it all starts with the outside. So I think to ignore the physical factor or say it doesn't matter AT ALL is silly. They are separate things and BOTH matter in keeping a healthy and happy relationship.

            Would I love my fiance if he gained 200 pounds? Hell yes! Would I still want to have sex with him and find him attractive? God no. I probably wouldn't respect him anymore because for HIM it would mean that he didn't care about himself, that he'd become lazy and probably didn't respect me either or he wouldn't have let himself get so unhealthy. Now, I don't need people jumping all over me saying that i'm ragging on the overweight people because guess who's overweight? ME. I have been since I was 12 (with the exception of about 9 months last year where I got down into a normal BMI range). People without weight issues have no idea how much of an emotional toll it can take on a person, especially a woman. All the women on my mom's side are overweight so I also know what it's like to watch a person you love struggle with it - to watch and KNOW their self esteem is low because of it. Because of my experiences I fully EXPECT my fiance to find me less attractive when i'm heavier - it's nature! Survival of the fittest! I know I FEEL less attractive when I weigh more so why would it be so wrong of my fiance to think so too? I think to say "looks don't matter I can get as fat as I want and you still have to find me attractive" is a ridiculous excuse. If you're TRULY happy with yourself at whatever weight you are and so is your fiance/husband, that is awesome! I'm NOT saying everybody has to a size 2 for their physical relationship to be wonderful. But looks DO matter, they're supposed to.

            I think the WAY in which you approach the person you love is most important. I'm sure this situation isn't as serious as my personal experiences. And I honestly hope she's not really embarrassed by him. I know if my fiance said THAT it'd rip my heart out. But at the same time, she's human and it's perfectly OK for her to find him less attractive because of his weight (unless its like 5-10 pounds, then that's silly haha).

            #26 diamondpooch

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              Posted 02 December 2009 - 01:31 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by KJT1985
              That's not what I'm saying at all and I don't think she ever suggested she didn't love him because of his weight. Notice how I said we have to be attracted to a person to FALL in love with them? LOOKS are the reason we stuck around in the beginning, love is why we stick around now. During every relationship there's a natural transition where you learn more and more about the person and fall in love with what's on the inside but if we're honest it all starts with the outside. So I think to ignore the physical factor or say it doesn't matter AT ALL is silly. They are separate things and BOTH matter in keeping a healthy and happy relationship.

              Would I love my fiance if he gained 200 pounds? Hell yes! Would I still want to have sex with him and find him attractive? God no. I probably wouldn't respect him anymore because for HIM it would mean that he didn't care about himself, that he'd become lazy and probably didn't respect me either or he wouldn't have let himself get so unhealthy. Now, I don't need people jumping all over me saying that i'm ragging on the overweight people because guess who's overweight? ME. I have been since I was 12 (with the exception of about 9 months last year where I got down into a normal BMI range). People without weight issues have no idea how much of an emotional toll it can take on a person, especially a woman. All the women on my mom's side are overweight so I also know what it's like to watch a person you love struggle with it - to watch and KNOW their self esteem is low because of it. Because of my experiences I fully EXPECT my fiance to find me less attractive when i'm heavier - it's nature! Survival of the fittest! I know I FEEL less attractive when I weigh more so why would it be so wrong of my fiance to think so too? I think to say "looks don't matter I can get as fat as I want and you still have to find me attractive" is a ridiculous excuse. If you're TRULY happy with yourself at whatever weight you are and so is your fiance/husband, that is awesome! I'm NOT saying everybody has to a size 2 for their physical relationship to be wonderful. But looks DO matter, they're supposed to.

              I think the WAY in which you approach the person you love is most important. I'm sure this situation isn't as serious as my personal experiences. And I honestly hope she's not really embarrassed by him. I know if my fiance said THAT it'd rip my heart out. But at the same time, she's human and it's perfectly OK for her to find him less attractive because of his weight (unless its like 5-10 pounds, then that's silly haha).
              Thank you. You seem to understand EXACTLY where I was coming from with this.
              Do I love my FI less because of this? Hell no. Is my physical attraction (aka desire to jump his bones) lessened? Hell yes. I'm a person who has always taken physical health and fitness seriously. So, gaining 20 lbs is a big deal to me. I wouldn't feel attractive if I gained that much weight. He and I have small frames, so any additional weight REALLY shows. He has told me a million times he wants me to stay thin and stay toned like I am and I guarantee that if I gained weight, he would tell me he noticed it.
              We used to go to the gym together and it seems like he only goes because I force him, not because he cares about his health.
              I don't expect him to look like a supermodel, but maintaining a healthy weight is important to me.

              As far as me having insecurity issues regarding being "embarrassed" that's not the case. There is nothing wrong with wanting each other to look good. He expects it of me just as much as I expect it of him. Like I said, he would be the first to chirp if I gained that much weight. It's an understanding we had when we got together.

              I clearly haven't said anything to him because I don't want to hurt him in any way, so I've just been dealing with it, but now that it's starting to affect our sex life, I want to nip it in the bud because I want our relationship to be solid and sex can be a huge elephant in the room if there is an issue surrounding it.

              #27 LadyTrunck

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                Posted 02 December 2009 - 02:48 AM

                KJT1985, I think you hit the nail on the head with your last post. If I were better with expressing myself, I would have said the same thing. I am very glad that you could express how diamondpooch was feeling without judgement.
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                #28 Girasole

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                  Posted 02 December 2009 - 10:19 AM

                  I think after reading your last post you just need to remind him how important being fit is to both of you & that you want to work with him to do that. I struggle with my weight all the time but when my FI supports me by doing things with me I feel the most comfortable & want to keep doing it.
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                  #29 Ana

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                  Posted 02 December 2009 - 11:35 AM

                  Ok I'm pretty late to this post, but I have to comment. I love my husband no matter what, but yes I want him to be healthy also. Weight isn't always indicative of health though, so I think you need to be careful how you express yourself. My husband is very thin and strong and goes to the gym alot so he's toned, but I don't think he is healthy. He doesn't do alot of cardio and when he's not at home or I don't make his lunches he eats badly. He is lucky because he is really tall so he never gains weight...no one in his family does. As for me, I run....ALOT! And I go to the gym, and have a trainer. I eat well (most of the time) but I have some weight in certain areas that are not going to shrink and if anything will be accentuated with time and as my metabolism changes. I have lower than normal cholesterol, a strong heart etc...

                  There needs to be a balance, and yes in some ways saying that you're embarassed of your husband is not a very nice thing to say...and if that's really how you feel then I agree with Alyssa and the other girls, maybe you need to think about what's more important to you. Marriage is about love and respect, and embarassment doesn't really factor into that equation. "For better or worse" right?

                  #30 diamondpooch

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                    Posted 02 December 2009 - 12:10 PM

                    To be clear my love for my fi hasn't changed one bit but my sexual attraction toward him has changed a bit. A poor sex life can really affect a relationship so I was hoping to gain some advice on how to approach this with him BECAUSE I don't want to hurt him because I DO love him.
                    I understand how it feels to not feel attractive as my ex husband used to critique me constantly while I was pregnant. Because it's only 20-25 lbs is the reason this is so hard to talk to him about this! If it was 100 lbs it wld be an obvious health issue and he probably couldn't deny that and feel hurt! Because it's just the beginning stages of weight gain I'm having trouble expressing this in a productive way!
                    I have suggested that he come with me to the gym and asked him to eat healthy with me when I do but he has expressed complete disinterest and idk what to do at this point!
                    Of course I love him for better or for worse. That's not even an issue. Issues within a relationship do not make u stop loving the other person but it doesn't mean the issue doesn't exist, either.
                    I was hoping for some useful advice just like anyone else who has vented on this forum. This is a real issue in my life and I want to fix it!




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