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Does this make me a horrible person????

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#1 diamondpooch

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    Posted 01 December 2009 - 03:43 PM

    So, my FI has gained a bunch of weight recently and I find myself NOT attracted to him at all anymore! Is that horrible? I know we aren't always going to look like we did in our early 20's, but I would never let myself gain a significant amount of weight without doing something about it! Now we are going to the beach with all our friends and family and I have to admit, I'm embarrassed by the way he looks! Even his parents are poking him in the belly and telling him to watch it cuz he's gaining too much weight. Clearly, I can't tell him any of this and we are getting in fights because I never want to have sex, and I just feel awful, but I can't help it!

    Any advice??

    #2 roo66

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      Posted 01 December 2009 - 04:02 PM

      Thats a tough one but really you just need to tell him you have concerns about his increase in weight.Tell him you are worried he will get sick.Diabeties,high colesterel etc.Also your wedding will be here soon and you just know he will look back in horror at all the photos.You think that when he sees them hell say to you "why didnt you tell me i looked so bad"? Can you see what i did there i kinda told him he looked bad but made it look like he was saying it.He will probably twig on but hopefully wont be to offended.If he takes offence you can also say"Well if the person that is going to become your wife is not worried about you who is going to?" Can you pinpoint why/where and how hes managed to pile the pounds on if hes sitting in the fridge make sure theres only healthy stuff in there and if its beers just cut right back the times your going out cos you need to save for the wedding, wink wink!!!.I do also think that men arnt as fusy as us so if we put on weight as long as we are game in the bedroom theyll put up with sleeping with nelly the elelephant hoping well wake up one morning the skinny minnie we once were.My ex husband put on 3 stone and that REALLY put me off, false stop.!!! its not a good place to be really so the sooner you can help him the better he wins both ways wink wink.Good luck sometimes we have to hear things we dont like x

      #3 *Lo*

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        Posted 01 December 2009 - 04:07 PM

        I don't think you are a horrible person.

        I actually have experienced the reverse because I've gained 10 lbs since we started dating and it really bothers my FI. The way he brought it up with me was that it is important to him for us to be healthy and fit and he wants to ensure we maintain that lifestyle and demonstrate that to our future children. I by no means gained a ton of weight but it did motivate me to not be lazy and to get back into the gym.

        I think if you approach it from a health standpoint it gets your point across without being mean.

        #4 diamondpooch

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          Posted 01 December 2009 - 04:08 PM

          He is genetically predisposed to this, and unless I go to the gym with him or force him to go, he just doesn't care. Ugh.

          #5 *Lo*

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            Posted 01 December 2009 - 04:15 PM

            Let him know how much this is really bothering you.

            #6 GracieBebe

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              Posted 01 December 2009 - 04:25 PM

              We went through the same thing but reversed and I was the one who gained weight. DH did have the heart and honesty to tell me that a couple years before we got married. In the beginning, I was upset and hurt that he would say something like that to me and why wouldn't he love me regardless of the way I looked, etc, and all that comes along with that line of thinking.

              Then, I went to a bachelorette party of my friend who was getting married a year before me and when I saw those pictures, I was aghast! I was like what fat girl ate me?!? OMG! I had gained over 40 lbs since he had first met me. I started off as a size 4 and increased about 6 sizes!!! And it wasn't from depression or stress or anything like that. It was cuz I got too comfortable. Yes, we still had sex, but it wasn't as often and that really bothered me. He told me he loved me and still was attracted to me but just not as attracted.

              And as harsh as it was to hear and accept, I was glad that DH had the consideration and honesty and openness to tell me that (he was never mean or cruel about it when he told me. I asked him and he gave his honest opinion.)

              I started to diet shortly after. We got engaged about 2 months later (by that point, I had lost maybe 5 lbs on and off). It was then that I decided to put it into high gear because there was no way in h*ll I was going to look fat in my wedding pics! I went on Nutrisystem for 2 months and even though it's a bit expensive, it works. I lost 20 lbs using their system. After that, I quit Nutrisystem, but applied their philosophy of eating small portions multiple times a day to my regular daily life and I slowly started to lose the rest of the weight. (The holidays were tough - my goal for that time period was just to maintain.)

              By the time the wedding happened, I was 5-8 lbs away from my goal weight which was close enough. I am still trying to hit my goal weight but am glad I put the extra effort in so that our photos looked fabulous. I'm now back down to a size 6 and I am happy with that. If I get to my goal weight, super, but no pressure to do so.

              So, let you fiance know that this is a common thing and that you care about him and want him looking his best for the wedding and care about his health, etc. He may go through the same emotions I did initially but in the end, he will be happier if he loses the weight and starts to look and feel great again. Especially if your bedroom activities go back up, LOL!!!
              - Grace
              Location - Chateau de Challain, Challain la Potherie, France
              Engagement Date - Sept. 6, 2008
              Wedding Date - Sept. 9, 2009
              Our Pro wedding photo website:http://fanelliweddin....l&startIndex=0Our wedding planning website:http://www.mywedding...graceandmichael

              #7 mich&adam

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                Posted 01 December 2009 - 06:09 PM

                I don't think your a horrible person for feeling that way. Obviously when you met you were both in good shape, but yes with age comes so weight gain but really you should both take care of yourselves and watch your weight...hopefulylly together you can eat better, excersice hit the gym together anything...usually once you are motivated, the rest (diet, exercise) will kick in, good luck to both of you!!!!!!

                #8 amygirl1169

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                  Posted 01 December 2009 - 06:25 PM

                  Like a few other ladies on here, I too am in the reverse position... I've gained about 10lbs since I quit smoking and although FI is really happy I quit, I can tell he's not as attracted to the 'new' me.
                  For some weird reason when I really want to lose weight, I don't. I think I stress out too much about it and the opposite effect happens. But recently I just can't believe how I look in pictures and it's getting down to crunch time, so I need to kick it up a notch - basically back to working out 2x a day and eating super clean, which is SO hard to do, especially this time of year.

                  I would be honest with your FI and motivate him by going to the gym with him. Added bonus is you'll look extra hot on the beach!

                  #9 Alyssa

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                    Posted 01 December 2009 - 06:42 PM

                    Originally Posted by diamondpooch
                    He is genetically predisposed to this, and unless I go to the gym with him or force him to go, he just doesn't care. Ugh.
                    hhhmmm, well this implies that you knew this when you started dating.

                    i wouldn't say that you are a "horrible person" but i would strongly suggest you take a close look at your relationship and / or yourself.

                    to say that you are embarrassed of your FI is pretty strong and to me (my opinion) is indicitive of an insecurity either in yourself or caring what others think way too much.

                    when i met my DH he had a slamming body and was super hot- he is still gorgeous but since i've been preggo he has gained some 'baby weight' lol. i love him no matter what and would never be embarrassed of him. i love HIM for all he is inside and out and sometimes we fluctuate in our weight depending on life circumstances, etc.

                    if my DH ever told me that he was embarrassed of me or wanted to me to lose weight i would lose a lot of respect for him, think it was degrading and frankly think he was a real f*#@ing asshole!

                    now with all that being said if you are talking about health concerns, like getting type 2 diabetes or a major lifestyle changes like someone who used to work out 5 days a week and now is a couch potato and sits around smoking then those are valid and concerns for your partner's health and well-being and not just vanity and superficial concerns.

                    #10 KJT1985

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                      Posted 01 December 2009 - 06:50 PM

                      It doesn't make you a horrible person but be careful how you deal with the situation. I sorta see both sides. My fiance has gained a BIT of weight since we met (his family gives him a hard time and his mom keeps telling him he's never been this fat in his life). But I've been worse.

                      A year into our relationship (while doing long distance) I lost about 20 lbs and was down to my lowest weight since I was a kid. I was FINALLY able to wear a bikini when we went on vacation. But right after vacation the long distance ended, school started, we got engaged and I let myself go. I gained 40 pounds in a year. Now, i'm 15-20 pounds heavier then when we started dating. He makes comments all the time which do NOT help! Mostly because they are negative. I've found that i'm more motivated when he's willing to help and be positive. Last time he got me motivated by telling me about something he wanted to do but couldn't because of my weight. But now, even with the wedding coming up, i'm having a hard time sticking to any healthy routine. We joined a gym and both of us were doing GREAT until he decided he didn't need to go. Once I was left to it all alone, I stopped going. Why? Because it wasn't a fun couples activity anymore, it was lonely work.

                      It's totally reasonable that you'd become less attracted to him. But if it's really important to you, take control of the situation without making him feel bad. If it'll really help your relationship, GO to the gym with him and recognize that you're doing it for you both. Motivate him without pointing out his flaws. And maybe he'll get more motivated thinking HE needs to help YOU get in better shape. Remind him how much better your physical relationship will be when you're both super fit, what guy would turn a blind eye to THAT?!

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