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How to ask -ettiquette question

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13 replies to this topic

#1 popo28

  • Newbie
  • 32 posts

    Posted 24 March 2011 - 03:56 PM

    Hi girls,

    Just wondering...how do you ask FI family if they are plannig on contributing to your wedding? Is it rude to even ask? I kinda want to know where we stand budget wise. If they are contributing I feel like we should know what to expect. My family is paying for the majority of it and me and my fiance will cover some miscellaneous costs but it would be nice to know if we have help or not. Should we ask? Nothing has been offered yet but we are farely early in the game, wait and see? Or just assume that it's nothing and be pleasantly surprised later? What are your thoughts?



    #2 JayKay

    • Sr. Member
    • 3,472 posts
    • Wedding Date:January 13, 2012
    • Wedding Location:Gran Bahia Principe Runaway Bay Jamaica
    • LocationSouthern Alberta

    Posted 24 March 2011 - 04:29 PM

    Hi there,  With us we weren't sure if either our parents were going to contribute.  We decided to make a budget based on what we could afford.  A little while later both sets of parents told us they will be contributing and the amount.  We never changed our budget based on that though, just thought of it as less money we have to pay out of our pockets for things.

    #3 muzikgrrl

    • Jr. Member
    • 193 posts

      Posted 24 March 2011 - 04:33 PM

      I don't think its rude to ask at all.  We are paying for the wedding ourselves.  I got my FI to ask his parents when we were early on in the planning stages.  They helped us out when we bought our house together so we weren't sure if they were going to contribute anything for our wedding.  My FI just straight out asked them, he told them we were planning our budget and asked if they were thinking about contributing anything or paying for anything as a gift.  They told us that they weren't planning on contributing anything at that time.  My FMIL has changed her mind very recently and told us she will pay for a traditional Chinese reception for when we get back (my FI is part Chinese) so we don't offend that part of the family who's not invited to Costa Rica or she will give us the amount of money that would have gone to the reception to put towards the wedding (and have those people not invited will never speak to us again!)  We were surprised that she came up with this, now at least we know where we stand when it comes to budgeting.  It can't hurt to ask, your FI parents.  You might be pleasantly surprised!

      #4 monkeygrl3

      • Newbie
      • 32 posts

        Posted 24 March 2011 - 04:40 PM

        i'm in the same situation. i'm pretty sure that my family is going to give us something...but we are still in the figuring everything out stage. I am dying to know what they will give but feel kind of funny asking.


        we are going to set a budget ourselves and then if the fam decides to contribute it'll be like a bonus.


        i'd like to know what everyone else thinks too....

        #5 meows

        • Newbie
        • 25 posts

          Posted 25 March 2011 - 03:26 PM

          I kind of just sat down with my FI's parents and pretty much just told them that such-and-such, this is my estimated budget AND I'm expecting at least 50% contribution (On top of the second reception, that they are arranging). It turned out they where expecting that, just did not know how to offer their contribution. :) But no, it's not rude to ask, since it is a "joint family" event after all.

          #6 mandys

          • Jr. Member
          • 181 posts

            Posted 26 March 2011 - 10:00 AM

            I don't think you should ask. I think you should be able to cover the entire wedding yourself. If you get a gift from them, then all the better. Personally, my fiancee and I are saving for the entire cost of the wedding with no expectations. You shouldnt have to depend on the help.

            Dreams Palm Beach Punta Cana
            April 2012

            #7 mochamakes3

            • Sr. Member
            • 1,917 posts

              Posted 26 March 2011 - 10:27 AM

              I agree with monkeygrl and mandys... if you can't afford to pay for it on your own, you shouldn't expect someone else to pay for it. The most common reason people fight is over money. Why would you start off a new life by spending beyond your means or asking for a handout? Especially when you are already asking them to commit thousands of dollars just to accompany you on your trip.


              Plus, you can't top the joy of being surprised with a gift.

              #8 islandbride8

              • Jr. Member
              • 315 posts

                Posted 26 March 2011 - 04:13 PM

                I would definately opt to say nothing. You may be pleasantly surprised later, but I don't think you should expect it and i certainly don't think you should ask for it. If your parents are paying for the majority then you do know that you're getting help. Traditionally it's the bride's family that cover most costs although that's etiquite is getting pretty outdated anymore as I think most couples are paying for their own weddings (just in my experience). Ask your FI if he thinks his parents will be contributing, but definately don't expect them to if your parents are already covering most of the expenses.

                #9 MDLady

                • Jr. Member
                • 433 posts

                  Posted 28 March 2011 - 12:57 PM

                  I would never dare to ask how much my in-laws are contributing.  I would even feel funny asking my own parents and we are very close.  We planned based on our own budget and then the parents gave us gifts which did help when the time came to pay all the bills.  I think it also depends on your and your FI's stage in life.  If you are independent, then you should expect to cover your own expenses and anything that people give you will be a wonderful bonus.  But if you are a younger and your parents still support you, then it might be a more appropriate question.

                  #10 bmadzia1

                  • Jr. Member
                  • 355 posts

                    Posted 31 March 2011 - 07:35 AM

                    I agree with the past few posts.  I wouldn't ask.  Budget on what you can afford, and if they do contribute later, that will be a benefit.  We told my parents (because FI's mom is unable to help) that we do not want help.  My mom already told me that if we are short on something, to let her know - quietly.  However, if you do want to ask, don't do it straight out...I think that's rude.  Just when you're talking about the wedding you can mention this cost and that cost (WITHOUT ASKING THEM TO COVER).  Based on their reaction, you will see if they are even considering.

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