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Honeymoon Phase...what honeymoon phase?

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#11 Melidell

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    Posted 26 January 2010 - 01:40 PM

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this- it sounds like the situation is making you really unhappy. I don't mean to make a huge deal about something that could just be regular partying, but do you think he has a drinking problem? It's strange that he's that hungover on such a regular basis- he's not 21 anymore, you know?

    I think counseling is probably the way to go here. You're relationship is getting poisoned by his behaviour and your (justifiable, IMO) anger about it. Good luck, and again I'm so sorry he's treating you this way.
    Loving married life!

    #12 Oryx

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      Posted 26 January 2010 - 01:41 PM

      I'd like to echo all of the comments above me and also send my support! I think communication is the absolute most important factor in a relationship, and maybe it's time for a serious conversation about these issues. He needs to know how much this is affecting your relationship.

      Best wishes and hugs!

      #13 Holly22

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        Posted 26 January 2010 - 01:41 PM

        I'm sorry Karen you are dealing with this!

        I have gone through the same thing. So I kind of disagree with the others. I think he can change. Its more on you to make it happen though.
        See what I mean is mine was the EXACT same. Even after our daughter. He would stay out. I would get angry/hurt for awhile but not really freak. He knew he could get away with it. Until finally I said to myself this is BS. I made it clear that it was not acceptable and would loose my mind anytime he did it. Its not like me to do that. I'm pretty passive and hate confrontation. I realized I was not happy and if he did not change it wasn't worth it. He has completly changed 100%.
        My mom always has this saying which I never believed but do now. "men are like children, they will do what they can and push you until they know their limits"
        Make him know your limit. Fear is a powerful thing with men. HAHA

        I'm sorry if people do not agree lol. I just have gone through it and in the past two years he will go out once in awhile but is always home before midnight. I gave him the choice. I'm not going to lie it took awhile for him to know I was serious. I even left and stayed with my mom a couple times.

        As long as your consistent and make it very clear you will not accept his behaviour he can and will change. I'm sure he is not willing to loose you over going out and drinking. He just knows he can.

        I wish you the best of luck! Men are so immature sometimes! lol

        #14 **~Linda~**

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          Posted 26 January 2010 - 01:57 PM

          My gosh! Well for starters if you have tried talking about these issues before i think its time to probably seek some professional help to see if the communication lines open up again to the point where he is actually listening to you and not just hearing you. I believe anyone can change if they want to but it is that "want to change" that is hard to acquire. As you may well know the views that we have in life completely change the perspective of whats correct and what is incorrect. SO while for you and many of us his behavior might seem completely inappropriate and inconsiderate for him it might seem like just a typical day in your marriage.
          My thoughts are with you, big hugs headed your way!

          #15 Lady_Di

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            Posted 26 January 2010 - 02:13 PM

            You guys are supposed to be happy newlyweds.

            I agree with others, communication is the key. I hope you guys can work this out. Wishing you guys the best!

            #16 ~*~Margie~*~

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              Posted 26 January 2010 - 04:57 PM

              My husband did something similar to this back before we were even engaged. We were living together and had a 2 year old at the time. I understand why some people have asked his age but someones age can't tell the whole story. My husband was 35 when he started "acting out" as I call it. He was working a part-time job at a restaurant where all of his co-workers were significantly younger than him, some half his age. It started slowly where he would go out with them one night a week and come home at a reasonable hour but it got to the point that he was staying at work drinking at the end of his shift and then going with the guys to a local bar that stays open late and drinking some more. Not only did the frequency of going out keep increasing, the time got later and later and he was drinking more and more each time. I would stay up pacing our bedroom looking out the window waiting for him. I resented that he had no sense of responsibility, just assuming it was okay that I was at home taking care of our son so that he could do whatever he pleased. I tried what Holly suggested, setting boundries, letting him know my limits and how far he could push. I left a couple of times, none of it worked. From Holly's experience it can work, but it could also depend on the man. With my husband, he felt controlled, felt I was mothering and just pushed back harder. With him it took the situation getting to its absolute worst outcome, which I'd rather not discuss, for him to see what it was doing to him and what it was doing to us. Ultimately it came down to the fact that he was starting to feel his age, feel the strain of responsibility and he was trying to recapture something that the time for had passed. It took him facing the TRUE reality of losing me, not just me staying at my mom's for a night or two, but actually losing me and our son and all hope of our future for him to realize he needed to start acting his age. We went to counseling and he faced his fears and doubts about the situation. He gave up drinking for more than a year because of what it had done to him and us and swore that if he ever drank again he wouldn't let it get out of hand, and he hasn't. And more than anything, he made me and our son #1 in his life. I firmly believe in counseling and getting assistance with communication. Sometimes its easier to see reality through a strangers eyes then it is to see it through the eyes of the person you love most in this world. He needs to realize that when he chose to get married, you and your life together moved to the front of the priority list and decide whether there is an underlying reason for his actions or whether or not its just time to grow up and out of that stage and counseling may help him reach these conclusions. He also needs to understand that you are not asking him NOT to have an individual life, but that as his wife you expect to be his priority and not take a backseat to that individual life. Good luck with everything, I hope everything is able to work out for you.

              #17 hat0112

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                Posted 26 January 2010 - 06:00 PM

                I think you should talk to him and tell him exactly what you told us, exactly what you need from him, and what will happen if this continues. I think if he knew how serious this is and your feelings then hopefully things will turn around but you will have to stick to your guns and be prepared for him to not change and you having to follow through with what you told him you would do if it doesn’t change. I think after you talk to him and it didn’t seem to sink in, then you should try counseling. Also I would say definitely NO to children until this behavior changes and stays changed for a period of time. Even if kids do change him, what will you do if they don’t and you are in the same situation but with kids that he is never around for?
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                #18 shellk

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                  Posted 26 January 2010 - 06:09 PM

                  i dont think things have gone far you are feeling really lonely and angry.i do think you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel before things do start to spiral.until you either have a big arguement or talk about it you will both just keep head butting each other.

                  but i would make it clear to him that the way you are feeling has nothing to do with being a newly wed before he starts on the roll of did you expect things to change.you just wanna spend time with the man you love.

                  i hope you manage to sort it out so your fun times can begin.

                  #19 LadyTrunck

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                    Posted 26 January 2010 - 07:46 PM

                    I agree with all of the advice that the above ladies have given. Communication, setting boundries, and possibly counseling. I did want to offer a little advice that really works for me every time I need to bring an issue up to FI. I never do it when we are arguing, or one of us is upset. I wait until we are getting along, and things are good. That way, both moods are regulated, and you're able to focus on the issues at hand, not mixed with all of the anger that comes along with an argument already in process. Wishing you the best of luck, and sending many many hugs your way!
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                    #20 Karen Aucoin

                    Karen Aucoin
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                      Posted 26 January 2010 - 08:00 PM

                      Thanks for all of your support and guidance ladies. I know that since we have had this discussion so many times before that maybe counseling is the way to go. Margie, I especially like how you have described how he needs to make me more of a priority and not just once we have kids but now, otherwise kids will never be an option. And LadyTrunck, that's great advice about talking about it when we are getting along etc. and not in the middle of an argument.

                      I once joked on my facebook status as it was: "Hockey, Football, UFC, golf and me...I see where I stand." It was a joke at the time but also so serious! He laughed it off and that was that. But now, it's just everything is always taking priority over me and more importantly, us.

                      I guess the way I've handled it lately is to try to do more stuff for me and while I know that's good for me and I like that we have our independence I just think he needs to realize that while we may have the rest of our lives together I want to do things together now. That's always his line, "What's the big deal, we have the rest of our lives together to hang out," etc.

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