Honeymoon Phase...what honeymoon phase?
Posted 26 January 2010 - 02:05 AM
Let me start with what took place while we were on our week long wedding trip. He acted like it was a guysâ€™ trip which included going out every night until the wee hours of the morning. On the night of our wedding I was embarrassed when I was with friends and strangers would come up and congratulate me and ask, â€œWhereâ€™s the groom?â€ and I would have to say, â€œOh, heâ€™s at the discoâ€. When I got upset about it I got lectured by his uncle about how it was a week of spending time with our friends and family who have traveled a long ways, blah blah and I was so mad. I wasnâ€™t asking for much, just maybe even one night where we would go back to the room at the same time and not have it be when heâ€™s annihilated and been out until 4:30 in the morning.
The night before our trash the dress session where we were to get up and have our photos at sunrise he showed up at 4:30am, had to be up at 6:00 and he had swollen eyelids, a swollen ankle from falling down some wet stairs, and at one point actually said to me as we were face- to- face in the ocean, â€œI think I might throw upâ€. Can you imagine?!?! Then his mother says (in regards to the 6am trash the dress session), â€œYou should just be grateful that he showed upâ€.
Well weâ€™ve been home now and all I can say is the trend has continued. He works out of town primarily during the week and the odd days that he is home his evenings include watching hockey, UFC and football and being attached to his blackberry and laptop 24/7 (he owns his own business so some of blackberry/text/laptop I can understand). He goes out every weekend with the guys and since we live out of town, he stays at his friends place to avoid the $60 cab ride home. When he makes it home maybe by 1:00 in the afternoon, he lies around watching t.v. and being hung-over while I do housework, buy groceries, walk the dogs etc. After two and a half months of being married we went out to one movie two weekends ago and dinner consisted of the Wendyâ€™s drive-thru and went to a friendâ€™s house this past weekend for a birthday party (an hour and a half away) and he and my cousin, which was one of his groomsmen, took his truck and I took our dogs in my vehicle. His reasons: thereâ€™s not enough room in the truck and you wonâ€™t want to sit around while we sort out our work tools on Sunday. In the end he and my cousin went to their friendsâ€™ house on Sunday to watch football and came home at 9:00pm which is now clearly the reason for the two vehicles.
I look at peoples pictures on Facebook of all the fun stuff they do with their significant others and I feel like whereâ€™s my fun? Iâ€™m so angry and mad at all this stuff that there is no connection between us what-so-ever and I canâ€™t imagine how much longer I can go on feeling like this. When he is in town I come home from work and go straight to the bedroom and watch t.v. and he does his thing in the living room. Itâ€™s like a vicious cycle, heâ€™s frustrated with our lack of intimacy and Iâ€™m angry and therefore not the least bit interested in being intimate. Has anyone else gone through this? Do I need to make more of an effort in order for him to put more into our relationship? I just feel like things are so far gone I don't even know where to start to make it better.
Posted 26 January 2010 - 02:54 AM
Posted 26 January 2010 - 03:24 AM
OK...first a couple of questions:
1. How old is he? If he is over 25, it's weird that he is still out until 4:30am and hung over on the weekends. As well, I see his friends have no kids...ie they're out partying and letting him stay over on weekends...leading to my next question...
2. What was the situation with him sleeping at his friends place every weekend before the wedding, for the last 8 years? I ask this b/c it sounds like you are asking for a problem here. Let me explain, not blaming you, just saying...I am not a jealous woman by any means, but my fiance would not be sleeping anywhere but in our bed, except for the very rare occassion. Nor would I for that matter. There is nothing good coming from this. Yes, trust, trust trust. I trust my dog won't go through the garbage too, but I'm not leaving it out in the morning either, and that beach is trained!! Just somethin' ta roll around.
Now...heeheeheee As far as the dogs and the groceries...darling, get creative. Picture this, you take the dogs out unbeknownst to your hubbie. Heck, he's hungover on the couch, won't even know you did it. Save a good dookers, a real stinker, and place it in his shoe (or whatever other crap he left laying around apparently too hungover to put where it lives), give it a smush or so.
*Sorry puppers, but daddy needs a lesson.*
Anyhoo... Then, you go grocery shopping while he's passed out. Picture it:
You are putting away Lean Cuisines, Kashi meals a head of lettuce and low or non-fat everything (that he will NEVER eat and the ONLY things you purchased!). The bags are crinkling, cabinets are banging (a wee bit louder than usual). He wakes up hooting about how you're banging around and smells something ...poop in the shoe. (evil grin)
You: "Honey, I thought you were going to walk Fido? I think he's sick, there's poop in your shoe."
Suddenly he realizes all that hungover sleeping and shoe-poo cleaning has worked up an appetite...to find Kashi in the ol' ice-box.
You: "Sorry hon, you were sleeping, I wasn't sure what you wanted."
Repeat as necessary.
Apologies for babbling, first week of classes, Physics & Toxicology have me in rare form.
Posted 26 January 2010 - 05:59 AM
Karen, first let me say, I am so sorry that you seem so unhappy so early into your marriage. I must get to the point..if he was this way before you got married, what made you think that signing a piece of paper would change him.. Men!! Maybe you need to have a sit down with him and voice your concerns. It seems as far as he is concerned, there is no problem. He probably feels that "I have been doing this all along and she hasn't said anything, let me continue and see what else I can get away with. Maybe try couples therapy or at least a few good relationship books. I wish you all the best!! Sending a big hug with this message
Posted 26 January 2010 - 09:46 AM
Posted 26 January 2010 - 12:42 PM
1) How old is he?
2) Have you always kept quiet about how his behaviour bothers you, or does he know that it bothers you? I know you can't "change" people but if you continue to allow him to behave that way, he will.
Posted 26 January 2010 - 12:48 PM
Posted 26 January 2010 - 12:58 PM
Posted 26 January 2010 - 01:09 PM
If you ignore it, it's only going to get worse.
I'm sooo sorry he's treating you this way - and even worse- people are backing him up.
Posted 26 January 2010 - 01:28 PM
Well, we decided not to move and he continued to hang out with them just as often. His friend is married and he would love it if she and I were to be best friends so that we could go do our thing while they played poker etc. But...his wife and I, while we are friends, it's not like we go and hang out together on weekends.
I'm 32 and my husband is 31. We talk about having kids, as does his best buddy/partner in crime, and he says things will be different and I do believe that but what if we don't have kids for a couple of years? I can't go through this. It's like he just has so many other things he'd rather do than spend time with me. We have tried to talk about it before but it somehow always gets turned around into something else.
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