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Does this make me a horrible person????

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#11 vlynnw

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    Posted 01 December 2009 - 06:52 PM

    I don't think you are a horrible person, but you need to tell him that it bothers you and bring it up in a health stand point and that you are concerned the weight gain may lead to significant health problems and you just want him to be healthy because after all you are wanting to spend the rest of your life with this man so he needs to be around for awhile!
    Veronica & Adam - May 6, 2011 - Dreams Tulum

    #12 LadyTrunck

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      Posted 01 December 2009 - 06:53 PM

      You are NOT at a horrible person! FI and I both did the gaining together, and now we're doing the losing. We both realized how comfortable we got (when we met, he had a sixpack, and I was NOW the weight I am, but I have lost about 15 lbs recently) and decided to work at it together. This is an ideal situation, I'm aware!

      I think that the other girls have made some good points. Health issues w/ weight gain are huge. Is there any way that you can change eating habits with him so you're doing it 'together'? It sounds like you're super motivated, but there is always something we can do to improve health, whether it's decreasing sodium, carbs, promoting more veggies, etc. (and this coming from the girl that just had a burger from Mc'Ds! Doh!) I honestly don't know what I would have said if he didn't do it on his own, besides the health stuff....

      All of these posts came right when I posted!! I forgot to add that sex in a relationship is a huge factor---so hopefully if he starts to improve, and sees that you are more attracted... maybe it will help! I also couldn't have said it better myself- "Motivate him without pointing out his flaws."

      Best of luck, keep us posted !
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      #13 *Lo*

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        Posted 01 December 2009 - 07:07 PM

        I agree with Alyssa though that your concerns if they are regarding health, that's important to express to him.

        It did bother me when my FI expressed his concerns over my weight fluctuation, but in my case it was a lifestyle change I had gone from running 5 times a week to basically doing nothing fitness related. He did say he doesn't care what I weigh, and he doesn't care if I'm not super skinny but just that being healthy and active is important. When he phrased his concerns that way I didn't feel bad about it and I realized that I had been prioritizing tv watching over being active.

        You said he will go to the gym if you go with him, so why don't you start doing that a few times a week? It's also a good way to spend time together during hectic schedules and whatnot. Maybe after a few weeks he will start to want to go on his own. The initial motivation to get into a routine is the hardest!


        #14 tammikins

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          Posted 01 December 2009 - 07:08 PM

          I just went through this with my fiance this morning. I was looking at him last night and couldn't help but notice that he looked kinda pudgy. Then on my way out this morning I looked in his car and saw bags from fast food places. With his new job he doesn't really have time to eat properly. I called him up and told him that I'd be making his lunches from now on. Also, I told him we'd be going to the gym. I didn't say I'm not attracted to him because I thought that would really hurt him. I also made it more about me ("hunny I want to start going to the gym with you because I want to get in the best shape of my life and I want you to motivate me"). He took it really well. Good luck!

          #15 Erika J

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            Posted 01 December 2009 - 07:16 PM

            I have to dissent a little from the majority here. I love my husband just no matter what the size. We have both fluctuated weight over the last decade and my love and attraction to him has never waivered. I only care that both of us have our health to continue our lives together.

            I never mentioned or cared that he no longer has a six pack and I am cant help but to think of worse things that could happen. My husband never lost any love for me or physical attraction when I broke all my teeth and have a permanently scared face from a recent freak accident.

            There are worse thing than a little pudge.

            #16 *Heather*


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              Posted 01 December 2009 - 07:21 PM

              I 100% agree with Erika on this one - sorry guys. My love for M has nothing to do with how he looks. We have both changed since we first started dating but we are both still fairly active and try to eat moderately well, so I know our health is fine. How he looks doesn't matter one bit to me.

              I think Alyssa was right that you probably care too much what other people think if you are concentrating on how he will look during your wedding week. He's still the same man inside, right?

              #17 1elephant

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                Posted 01 December 2009 - 07:44 PM

                dh gained about 15lbs recently and i told him flat out - but only because we've ALWAYS said that neither one of us wants to be fat (or look like our parents) or have health problems. it took awhile for him to believe that he had started gaining weight, but once his pants stopped fitting, it hit him. once he realized, he stopped wanted sex b/c he didn't like the way he looked.
                that being said, i would NEVER tell him that i wasn't attracted to him because regardless of his size, that would make him feel like poop. i'd go at it from the health standpoint.

                #18 LadyTrunck

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                  Posted 01 December 2009 - 07:45 PM

                  I totally see where Heather and Erika are coming from, as that is how I feel about FI. I would love him no matter what. But I don't think you should feel like a horrible person about it at all. Unfortunately, attraction is not something you can control.
                  Married to my BEST FRIEND!
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                  #19 KJT1985

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                    Posted 01 December 2009 - 09:34 PM

                    I understand what you ladies are trying to say but love and attraction are two different things. Just because you would love your husbands if they gained a bunch of weight doesn't mean you would still find him AS attractive. I hate it when people say looks don't matter because they do. That doesn't mean there is an absolute beauty, attractiveness is different for everybody. But NATURE also makes it so we HAVE to be attracted physically to a person to fall in love with them. I'd bet anything that none of you ladies think your husband is ugly. It's just the way nature works. So to say it (or his health) shouldn't matter is a bunch of malarkey, IMO. She's not saying she doesn't love him anymore - just that she's not as attracted to him which is totally understandable. I'm also willing to bet that those of you saying it wouldn't matter haven't suffered weight issues with yourself or a loved one. You probably don't understand all the emotional effects of being overweight or loving and accepting somebody who's overweight. Acceptance is a lot easier said than done.

                    #20 *Linds*

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                      Posted 01 December 2009 - 10:23 PM

                      This may be a silly suggestion but I read your post to my FI and he said maybe try showing him a picture when he was in better shape and say something like, "you looks so good here"- it would be amazing to see you like that again, or something like that. I agree with a lot of what has already been said so I thought maybe a mans perspective may help..
                      Loving married life! <3

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