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AHR Stress

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#1 Vikki

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    Posted 12 November 2009 - 10:54 PM

    The whole point of a DW was to avoid stress. So, with a few minor exceptions the wedding was relaxing and enjoyable.

    Until now. My mom has insisted on having a reception when we get home. I have been supportive so far and it will be nice to have some other family around to celebrate. However there seems to be an emerging alternative motive to her party planning and it's kind of frustrating me.

    The background-many of you know I lost my grandfather shortly after my engagement was announced and having the excitement of wedding planning overshadowed by the grief of losing someone I was so close to really took the fun out of most of my planning. The loss was also hard on my mom who was executor of his estate. As part of that process we had to sell his home and go through his possessions. At that time her siblings came and put aside some items for sentimental reasons.

    So now as she's planning the reception she sends out this email to everyone in her family asking if they would like to go through his things while they're in town for the reception.

    Ok so far.

    Until this:

    "I was wondering, how would everyone feel about a second gathering to go through Dad's things and get them distributed? The area that we are considering renting is available to us the entire day, and I had the idea that maybe one of the side rooms could be made available to bring Dad's stuff for our family to go through either before or after the reception? It would put everything in one place, and accessible during one day."

    Does this really have to happen at the venue we're renting for my reception?? I loved my grandfather more than I can even begin to say but having his items around will make me cry, especially if family is all around discussing it. Even if we go through it "before and after". I guess I need a couple more degrees of separation between these two events. And what about out other guests that aren't related to my grandfather? Would that be weird for them?

    I appreciate my mom wanting to try and combine the trip for the out of town family but at the same place on the same day? I would be totally ok if they wanted to have a gathering somewhere else or a different day but not at my reception.

    However, she's the one throwing this so I feel kind of stuck telling her what she can and can't do.

    I just really miss my grandfather and it makes me sad when I think about him. Having all of his things in the next room while I'm supposed to be celebrating will be tough. I'm at the point where I don't really want to have a reception at all.

    #2 michelle6114

    • Jr. Member
    • 209 posts

      Posted 13 November 2009 - 03:52 PM

      Oh No no no, you have to put your foot down about this. This is totally unacceptable, your AHR is to celebrate your wedding with relatives who couldn't be there. It should be a happy day. If there is a room full of memoribilia from your grandfather, it will create a somber affect. This has to be a HAPPY time for you. Just tell her it will make people uncomfortable and should be done the next day. Best wishes to you and your family!

      #3 riokayak

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      • 175 posts

        Posted 13 November 2009 - 05:03 PM

        I agree with Michelle. I can see the convenience of it for your family, but I other guests being really uncomfortable with it. It should be a celebration, I don't think your grandfather (if he was anything like mine) would in any way want to take away from your day.

        #4 LadyTrunck

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          Posted 17 November 2009 - 10:28 PM

          Oh Vikki I cannot even imagine how you are feeling right now. My grandfather and I are extremely close. If I were in this situation, it would not fly. Having his stuff there is going to make everything somber, as Michelle said. This is part of your wedding, and the two defnitely do not need to be mixed. I really hope you can talk to your Mom about this and have her see your side. Best of luck, keep us posted!
          Married to my BEST FRIEND!
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          #5 eec129

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          • 108 posts

            Posted 17 November 2009 - 10:46 PM

            I agree! You need to be upfront with your mom and tell her how you feel....
            44 booked plus bride and groom!


            #6 Patti

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            • 555 posts

              Posted 17 November 2009 - 11:26 PM

              That's really sad and totally unappropriate. The two events do not belong together. So sorry you're going through this.

              #7 Bunny121009

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              • 83 posts

                Posted 18 November 2009 - 12:24 AM

                I agree, the two events should not be intermingled you need to let your mother know that it makes you uncomfortable and brings sadness at a time that should be a happy time. These are two things that should be kept separate (I don't even think it should have been mentioned in the email). Definitely put your foot down and let her know how you feel.

                #8 carolina24

                • Sr. Member
                • 1,573 posts

                  Posted 18 November 2009 - 01:16 AM

                  you have every right to be upset about this!!!! let your mom know how you feel b/c it is going to ruin your day and that's not fair to you or the other guest who are and are not in the family. I agree with eveyone, this should be a happy day and you can think of your grandfather and feel like he's there with you, but not by having his things in the next room!!

                  #9 *Linds*

                  • Sr. Member
                  • 5,776 posts

                    Posted 18 November 2009 - 09:48 AM

                    I agree, you need to be open with your mom about how you are feeling! Good luck! I hope you get everythign sorted out!
                    Loving married life! <3

                    #10 KarenM

                    • Sr. Member
                    • 1,920 posts

                      Posted 18 November 2009 - 06:29 PM

                      Wow, I find that completely inappropriate & kind of morbid. I know your mom must be feeling stressed & she's probably trying to make it easy/convenient for everyone, but I think she's too close to it. And us BDW'ers are just the ones to offer some perspective. :)
                      Maybe someone could set up an open-house in his former home, or at someone else's, the day after your reception or another time. I personally don't like the idea of having it the same weekend, but certainly not in the same day! It's bound to be an emotional experience and for those invited to the reception that aren't family, having that go on during the reception or at the reception hall will just be weird & uncomfortable.

                      Regardless of who's paying for / hosting this reception, it is a celebration of you & your husband and you should have a say in what goes on during it. I hope you're able to talk with your mom about this & explain how you feel.
                      Good luck!!

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