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Mom gave me an ultimatum to come to MY wedding!?!


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#1 egsarah

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    Posted 27 October 2009 - 03:12 PM

    Soo to give a little background without being long winded my mother and I don't really get along. To add to the issue she apparently hates my FI for whatever reason and constantly feels the need to tell me how I'm making a huge mistake. Last week I called and asked why they (my parents) hadn't booked yet and she said that she was hoping to see if something "would develop" (Like what me calling it off?!? our wedding is SIX weeks away!!)

    Anyway....over the last few months the comments have gotten nastier and nastier (to the point of being verbally abusive) and I finally told her last week that I really didn't want her at the wedding. I just don't want her to ruin MY day..she's already ruined my engagement which is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life. She is the type of woman that CANNOT keep her peace and just let things go or state her opinion once and MOVE ON!

    So after I told her that I didn't want here there she booked her tickets to come but decided she had to send me a list of "ultimatums for her to be there". She refuses to participate in the wedding in any way and the main item...she is to be allowed to say whatever she likes while she is there because it is rude for me not to listen. I want to respond and tell her that I really don't want her to be there especially with her ultimatums. I don't want her there BECAUSE she will say something nasty and ruin the day. I've seen her do it a countless number of times in other situations...so I'm not going to fool myself and "hope" that she just keeps her negativity to herself.

    I need help...what should I do?!?

    #2 ~*Kathy*~

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      Posted 27 October 2009 - 03:19 PM

      oh wow, that's a tough situation! Can you tell her that she can come if she wants but you aren't going to put up with her negativity on your big day? Or will that just fall on deaf ears anyway? I'm really sorry, I'm not sure I have any other solutions but I really hope that she can put her personal issues aside for one day for the sake of your happiness.

      #3 Outdoor_girl1010

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        Posted 27 October 2009 - 03:20 PM

        I would just tell her like it is. That you do not want her there. And if you feel like being nice (which i wouldn't after the way she has treat you) give her some reason. Like this is my day and not hers. And that her rude comments are not welcome and if she can not understand that and can not keep her mouth closed then there is no need for her to come.
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        #4 *Meagan*

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          Posted 27 October 2009 - 03:21 PM

          Wow that is really sad that your mother is acting like a selfish child and Im really sorry she is putting you through this 6 weeks before your wedding. So you asked her not to come and she booked her flights and trip?! Talk about wanting to really ruin your day. She is doing this on purpose and what you should do is act like you dont care. Anything she says just say "Ok". IT will literally make her go crazy.

          I guess the problem with her coming is that you can not stop her from coming to your wedding. But you are going to have to pretend like she doesnt even exist, try really hard not to let it bother you. Ignore what she says, in one ear and out the other. Dont let anything ruin your day just think about you and your FI and where you are.. in paradise and your special day and how much you two love eachother and nothing can stop that or ruin it! Keep your head up! and like I said give her nothing to go off of. Just say "Ok"

          #5 jetsbride

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            Posted 27 October 2009 - 03:23 PM

            Wow, I agree with Kathy, just tell her that if she is going to attend the wedding then that means she needs to support it. That is what it is all about is it not? If she can't support it she needs to keep it to herself.

            #6 amandseth

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              Posted 27 October 2009 - 03:40 PM

              That's tough, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I see why you don't want here there. I agree with Kathy and jetsbride, that you should send the 'ultimatums' back and say, if you are coming you are expected to be supportive. If she can't do that and comes anyway, then take the approach suggested by future_mrs 2010 and don't let her get to you. In fact, I wouldn't even give her so much as an ok, just a blank stare and walk away if she is being negative in any way. Then find yourself company who is happy for you and can share your excitement. You might want to talk to the officiant as well and have him omit the part where he asks if there are any objections, just to be on the safe side.
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              #7 *Meagan*

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                Posted 27 October 2009 - 04:15 PM

                Yah I def. agree with amandseth, you should omit the "any objections". To be safe!

                #8 shellk

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                  Posted 27 October 2009 - 04:19 PM

                  i would arrange to meet up with her so there is just the 2 of you and be totally honest with her even if you upset her.like you say you cant risk her ruining your day.then you give her the ultimatums and see if she still wants to go.

                  #9 eec129

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                    Posted 27 October 2009 - 04:31 PM

                    I agree with everyone else! I would tell her you would love to have her there, but no ultimatums will be tolerated.

                    I just don't understand it. I have also had some issues with my family as a result of my wedding, and I can't believe how dramatic it can get sometimes. I guess I didn't really believe that weddings can bring out the worst in people, but it seems to be true.

                    I just keep remembering what everyone tells me - and that is, this day is about you and your wedding, and that is all that matters. I know it is so hard, because family sure does know how to get to you....but that is what we need to focus on!
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                    #10 becks

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                    Posted 27 October 2009 - 04:36 PM

                    All the advice given is very good. The main thing is that if she doesn't support you, your FI and your future marriage, then there is no reason for her to attend. Make sure that she understands that.

                    One other note, I would enlist the help of someone who will be there (an aunt/cousin/friend/someone... maybe your Dad?) to keep her in line, and away from (far, far away!) you on your wedding day if she won't behave. And don't hesitate to tell your WC that if she gets out of line, approaches a microphone or otherwise appears like she might make a scene, that they should be prepared to have hotel security escort her away. Just don't risk it - the last thing you want to do is have your own mother ruin your wedding day and all your memories of it.

                    Good luck!!

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