Just don't know what to do anymore....
Posted 13 October 2009 - 01:39 PM
What I did â€“ last week I confronted my FI about a religious school issue we could not agree on, that was sitting in the back of my mind, and he kind of freaked out, as did I. I got so upset that I called my mom and told her our wedding was off because we could not come to terms with this. I was very upset and said I was going to move out b/c I just couldnâ€™t handle it. She said she thought I was doing the right thing if he really couldnâ€™t compromise.
The next day I also called my brother and told him everything as well. At this point I was sure the wedding would be off because we could just not see eye to eye. I was really an emotional wreck over the whole thing.
I decided not to leave our house, which upset my parents. Instead, I stayed with my FI. Now, several days later, after the dust has cleared we have agreed on a compromise, and the school wonâ€™t be an issue, because my FI has decided the religious schooling issue is not as important as our marriage and my comfort. But now my family is really alarmed and think the wedding is coming up too fast and that we should postpone it. Yesterday, my mom emailed me to tell me that as a family unit, they have decided they cannot attend our wedding in January, because they feel my behavior has been irrational.
I tried to talk to my brother and tell him we have worked it out, but he says the whole family thinks this is tainted now, and they donâ€™t feel comfortable based on what has happened. It bothers me that they felt they needed to take a stand in this way, and I just donâ€™t know what I can do to change their minds. The lesson in this is that I canâ€™t involve them when we get into fights. I know this was a serious issue, but we really did come to an agreement we can both live with now, which is what I was asking for in the beginning. So I donâ€™t know where to go from here.
I see why they might be worried based on what happened, but I donâ€™t think they need to call of their trips. This is very hurtful to me. I donâ€™t think they have been fully supportive from the beginning, and that this might be another way for them to voice that opinion. I know we had a serious issue, but I also think that planning a wedding can be a stressful time, and sometimes these emotions surface, and not in the prettiest of ways.
Aside from this issue, we donâ€™t have a history of horrible fighting. We have had disagreements before but we mostly have always gotten along quite well. I never wanted to really call it off, but I was just so upset at the time!! That was the last thing I really wanted to do.
I also think there is a money issue involved. On top of this I have felt extreme guilt about making my family pay for the trip. No one said anything at first, and then waited so long to book, that prices really shot up. Now they say it is too expensive and my brother told me he canâ€™t afford it now, to top everything else off. When I told them what happened, they seemed almost excited to cancel their trips!
What a mess! What should I do
Posted 13 October 2009 - 02:03 PM
Then explain that you would be elated to have them at your wedding, but will not be pressured into postponing an event that you feel so certain about. Tell them you fear they will regret the decision not to attend their daughter's wedding, but that it is their mistake to make if that is the route they choose to take. Remind them that their actions will not go unnoticed by your husband to be and his family. And they may be doing damage that will not be easily undone.
Hopefully when they see you taking a strong stance on it, they will be reassured of your resolve to be with this man and open themselves back up to him. It is not for a family to judge, but to love and support and accept.
I hope your family can come to that. Good luck!
Posted 13 October 2009 - 02:18 PM
I think your parents need to be reminded of that. It's not like they are the same couple they were 30 years ago. Realtionships grow and evolve and part of that is learning how to communicate and compromise with your partner.
Throw some different religious beliefs in (I think that's what you were fighting about right?) and the whole subject becomes even more touchy. If you two are ok with the differences, then your family should be supportive. Period. However, do keep in mind that once children come into play this whole fight can rear it's ugly head again.
Posted 13 October 2009 - 02:24 PM
| Originally Posted by amandseth |
I think the best thing you can do is just level with your family. Explain that you and your fiance rarely fight, and when this issue came up that seemed unsolvable you weren't sure how to deal with it, as you have never encountered it before.
The funny thing is, I remember my bro and SIL got into one big argument before their wedding a couple years ago too, and my parents also acted very dramatic (though their wedding was here, and she was preggers, so they didn't quite AS upset, I don't think).
I think the religion item has made it touchy also. And I know this could come up again and again, so that is why we are having these discussions now (what kind of school do we want our children to attend?) before our wedding, not later. I know you can't predict everything, but the important part is we are willing to work with each other so we are both comfortable.
I feel like I just need to take a break from them all for a few days and focus back on the wedding and planning. Right now I am spending so much time worrying that I having a hard time getting back to the excited place I was before.
Posted 13 October 2009 - 03:09 PM
Posted 13 October 2009 - 03:37 PM
Posted 13 October 2009 - 04:00 PM
I feel so bad for you....I hope it all works out.
Posted 13 October 2009 - 06:44 PM
Posted 13 October 2009 - 07:01 PM
Posted 13 October 2009 - 07:19 PM
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