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jennie

Feet are chillin and getting colder

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I agree with JAWedding. Getting married doesn't make things get better, it will only make your problems worse if they are not worked out.

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Jennie i agree with JAWedding. the things that you are saying about your fi are very serious and should not be taken lightly. I think you should really think about your relationship and let your fi know how you feel. Marriage is a big step and it isnt easy. I dont think you should get married to someone you dont truly trust and believe in.

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it sounds a very similar story to my best friend.they have been married for 2yrs now and are stronger than ever before and very happy.

 

i think the hard single mum thing does kick in alot.you need to go with your gut feeling.if he has been married before i think he knows what he is getting himself into.he wants to marry you.try not to be too hard on him unless you have reason to.

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Jennie, I think that you need to maybe get away from your situation for a weekend ( a spa trip, or just a quick getaway) so that you can spend some quality alone time and think about how you feel. If you are a spiritual person, pray and if not, meditate and do some soul searching. This is about you and how you feel, not about anyone else, not really. I think that often, we as women think that once we enter a man's life he will change. Often men do not change. Behavior can be modified, and it sounds like your guy has truly modified his behavior, which is great. But only you can answer if he has changed because of your love and your relationship. After you have taken some time for yourself and with yourself, you will be able to sit down with your guy and have a long talk and make sure that you are both going down the same road. I wish you the best of luck and I am sure it will work out the way it is supposed to.

 

There are so many kind and thoughtful women on this site. Just know that we all have your back no matter what you decide.smile03.gif

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Lots of good advice here, but I too, am I second time bride, and I had doubts the first time and in retrospect, I should not have gone through with it. The closer it gets the harder it is to call it off, but YOU are the most important person in YOUR life. Trust me, it's much more painless and less costly to do it now before you become the Mrs. than it is to do it later down the road. For me it was 16 years and 2 kids later and it was very hard. There are no guarantees in life, that's true, but if you are really unsure before you walk down the aisle, that's not a good way to start.

 

I hope you can find some time alone to try to think it all through. You deserve the best....and you have lots of support here regardless of which route you choose! Good luck!

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There are a lot of great posts on here. I agree with so much that the ladies have said. I too have a FI with a past, and sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. I think the weekend away is a great idea...bring a girlfriend and talk through it with her. I know that helps me! Sometimes just talking out loud to someone can help me get my mind straight. I wish you the VERY BEST!

 

Remember, you have a lot of people standing behind you :)

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Everyone said it so well that I don't have too much more to add. But I wanted to ask, have you considered premarital counseling? You don't have to do it through a church if you aren't religious, there are psychology practices that do it. I was engaged before a couple years ago and going to a premarital class really brought out things that we each were feeling and issues we couldn't get past that just made it clear we didn't work. I'm not saying that will happen to you but if you feel like you try to talk about some of this stuff and his eyes glaze over, it might help to have someone else there facilitating the conversation. You don't have to wait until there is a relationship altering or ending issue to get counseling.

 

And also, I know what is like to live somewhere having to deal with the past around every corner. It seems like everyone knows everyone and everyone takes a side and talks about other people behind their back and it's stupid high school drama that should have died a long time ago. And it is so hard to clear your mind and get past the hurt and issues of the past when you are constantly having to be in contact with people who pour salt in the wound and try to start something. Have you considered maybe moving or at the very least working somewhere else for a little while? Sometimes taking yourself out of the everyday situation helps everything to die down and people to move on. It's not running away. And while it is good to just live with what you've been dealt, you shouldn't have to live like that where you are putting up a false front, because that is not healthy for you and it is definitely not a healthy situation for you to be in.

 

I wish you the best, if you are feeling this freaked out, you and your FI really need to be able to talk about it. Communication is huge, getting married isn't going to instantly make everything better.

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