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Feet are chillin and getting colder

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#1 jennie

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    Posted 17 July 2009 - 08:28 AM

    Maybe it's just gitters. Maybe i'm unsure. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. This whole month has been getting worse and worse it seems.

    Do i love him? Sure do.
    Did i want to get away from all of the small town foneyass people and just have a DW? Absolutely!
    Am I just second guessing because everyone puts in their two cents? I don't know.
    His past lurks very which way: baby mamma drama, ex wife(not the baby's mom...SWEEEET!)and plenty of ex girlfriends that he has minipulated in the past as booty calls, etc..., a father that owns the business he works for that basicaly bails him outta everything and pretty much wipes his ass for him by suplimenting his pay. Oh yeah, it gets better: I work with one ex booty call of his and get this....the best friend of the last girlfiend before me I work with (in a salon= drama drama).
    Then, to top things off (follow this, now) his best friend is marring his ex wifes sister! WTF!!! So, not only do I get to feel like a fool at thier shower Aug 1st, but I get to sit at the mismatch table at the wedding in OCT>and see hime up at the head table because he's in the wedding party and she is too! Niice!!! Guess it's all of the thoughts of that at once.
    See, he IS a good guy. But, he's always a "good guy" to whomever he's with. Just that he ends up dating more than one at once in the past and ends up hurting them.
    He assures me that was his unfortunate past and I know he hasn't cheated or anything like that with me, but it still bothers me. His friends even back him up with saying time to time that WOW, he's changed, he's really settled down, who would have thought sort of thing.He doesn't go out, he got rid of the "bad" friends...I can honestly say that he has changed his lifestyle(if you call it that) around since we've been together. He makes sure I get what I need or want...but it's not about that. It doesn't impress me to throw money around. I have my own... maybe it's the survival of a single mom thing for the past 8 years.
    But, I guess that it bothers me that he doesn't seem to truely understand or acknowledge the fact that it would bother someone. I can suck it up like the best of them, but as much as you can put on a front thing DO bother you sometimes.
    It seems that this is pushing me away the last few weeks...thinking about it. I feel like i want to just call the whole thing off and just move away. I don't know how much more people can expect of me and i'm a say it like it is person, so he should know better. I'm not a quiet girl that doesn't say anything. When i do...he just sits there blank in the face.
    I'm so frustrated.
    Is it cold feet? I just don't know. I do know i'm better than this drama.

    #2 NYCBridetoBe1909

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      Posted 17 July 2009 - 09:01 AM

      Jennie, it sounds like you have a ton to deal with and I'm sure it's the last thing you need with the wedding stress. Everyone has a past that the person they end up mrrying has to deal with. That being said, I'm sure it's much more difficult in a small town than in a city like NYC. You know who he is now better than anyone, you've watched him become that person. I would say that as long as he doesn't instigate or encourage the drama then it will die down sooner rather than later and you'll live happily ever after.

      What everyone else thinks just doesn't matter. I came from a fake small town in Tennessee and went to an even faker college. I know dozens of girls who married the right guy on paper with no drama and a clean past. A lot of them are miserable. The truth is, you can't help who you fall in love with and it's better to marry the man you love who has some surrounding issues than marry a man that it seems easy with but you just don't have that "it".

      He's marrying you, he loves you. I would guess that the ex who has to sit at the wedding table is having similar thoughts, that she looks like a fool sitting up there with her ex boyfriend while everyone knows his fiancee is sitting close by. The key to these situations is carrying yourself with class, which I'm sure you have no problem doing. From your post I can tell you're clearly above the drama, so when it gets hard and uncomfortable, remind yourself of that!

      I completely understand how frustrating it is for your fiancee to not even acknowledge why it bothers you. I think it may be too much to ask him to understand. For example, I acknowledge that my fiancee is a workaholic, but I will never "understand" it, because I just wasn't wired that way, I just don't get it. For your fiancee, it is just part of who he is, and he knows now that he's not that person anymore, so I think it's a positive sign he doesn't understand it. To me it signals that he really is truly past that phase. In my mind, it would be the equivalent of someone being upset that I used to wear a diaper. Sure, it is true, but that was so long ago and I certainly don't wear one anymore, so why would it bother someone?

      That being said I think you are COMPLETELY legitimate in being uncomfortable about it all. I know I would be, and I would probably scratch someone's eyes out at work if I were you. You can't change his past, but I think it's fair for you to ask that he acknowledge your discomfort and do whatever he can to minimize it.

      So, in short, yes, I think it's cold feet grounded in legitimate concerns, but ones that can easily be overcome!

      #3 ~Nicole~

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        Posted 17 July 2009 - 09:16 AM

        Awwww Jennie, I feel so bad that you're going through this right now. I think it's perfectly normal to feel "overwhelmed" at this point in your planning process. I'm quoting overwhelmed because that's probably why these things are suddenly bothering you. Its an emotional time! Having said that, I'm assuming that these things are "suddenly" bothering you and that they haven't really been an issue in the past. I would say that's normal, but they do seem to be big issues. I don't know, I guess you're the only one that can really know the answer. Have you guys been together a long time or are you feeling like this is rushed? Can you picture yourself with him for the rest of your life and feel confident that he will always be loyal to you? I'd say that if you're confident in your relationship then this is likely just cold feet - totally normal!!! I hope things improve for you and we're always here for you to get whatever you're worrying about off your chest! Sometimes that alone makes a huge difference!
        *Formerly Nikki07*
        My Planning Thread

        #4 jennie

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          Posted 17 July 2009 - 09:49 AM

          Thank You ladies! I just had to vent it out i guess.
          You know that stupid book and now movie: He's Just Not That Into You....well the girl in it starts to realize that you're either the "RULE" to a guy or an "EXCEPTION TO THE RULE". I know that i'm the "exception" and that he has changed and grown. Funny thing is, when we go away (we love to travel) everything is perfect. It's even harder here i think because we're surrounded by it all. Literaly.
          I know that in time people will back off and see it's real. That we are real. It just gets to me sometimes that it seems we constanly have to prove ourselves. I know we really don't have to because we know ourselves it's real and true but it just seems as though we have to. You get so sick of it after awhile. Imagine having to defend yourself or feel you have to all the time: the stupid myspace comments, emails, voice msgs.,blogs., letters to our house (oh yes... fun times), the looks, you get the picture. I'm a big girl and can't take it and are worried per say, but it gets to the point where enough's enough!
          Thank You for listening.
          They all just need to move along and woory about themselves and see that we ARE getting married. Right?

          #5 ~Stephanie~

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            Posted 17 July 2009 - 10:02 AM

            Oh honey! You are preaching to the choir here! My FI has a very similar past too! Oh boy do I understand! But I honestly think that NYCBridetoBe said it best! She took the words right out of my mouth and I think she is 100% right! I got lucky however, my FI and his past lived in another state. When he moved to be with me 99% of that drama and past went away.

            Everyone comes with baggage, everyone has a past. Let’s say you find someone else, they are going to have issues to deal with too, just might be something different (or worse). It’s all about deciding what you can live with, what you can deal with. Maybe it takes finding a new job, doing other things to distance yourself from these people (if moving is out of the questions). Bottom line is that you love him and he obviously loves you. And you can’t give that up if he is the right person for you. You just have cold feet. When you start doubting just remember how much he loves you and the things he has done to show you that by changing himself. Everything else can be dealt with. Don’t give him up because of some bitter women from his past.

            Big hugs! We are here for you!

            Our wedding websitewww.mywedding.com/stephanieandmichaelbailey

            #6 mrsrhbtobe

            • Jr. Member
            • 387 posts

              Posted 17 July 2009 - 10:06 AM

              Wow Jennie I'm sorry you're feeling such stress and anxiety about this wedding. I agree with the girls above that one of the best things about BDW is that you can vent to unbiased other women, who will support you no matter what. I truly believe that girlfriends are food for the soul

              That being said, my advice would be to listen to the fears you're having about his past and ask yourself "why?"....has his past behavior in relationships always been a worry to you, or is all of the added drama with the ex/upcoming wedding of his BF/etc just making you focus on it more? Has he done anything recently that makes you think he hasn't moved on from his shady past? We all have pasts and have made mistakes in relationships, hopefully he's learned from those and is willing to treat you as you deserve.

              Unfortunately, the baby mama drama won't go away. You can't change that....but both you and your FI can change your reactions to it. Some women are just hateful and psycho, but that doesn't mean it has to become your issue :) As far as the co-worker and same salon drama, have you ever thought about switching salons? You certainly don't need to deal with that high-school b.s. day in day out.

              Good for you for being so clear about the material things in life not being so important. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. It does sound from your post that you're bothered by your FI's financial dependence on his family. Will that change after you're married? Will that still be an issue? More importantly, does your FI see it as an issue? Some families are just like that, where the children still are financially dependent on their parents their whole lives. And for some people that works, but it sounds like you may have a different approach. It's okay to let people help you, as long as you're okay with it.

              If you're anything like me Jennie, you can easily talk yourself into being stressed out. Yes, I think the questions you have about your FI/his past/his drama/his family are legitimate questions to ask. Yes, I think these issues can be overcome. No, I don't think you need to tackle them all today. What I'm trying to say is, take a deep breath, and let this roll off of your back a bit. A good talk with your FI may be warranted about your anxiety surrounding these issues, and what ways you two can overcome them as a couple. You are not wrong for feeling unsure. You are not wrong for feeling so anxious about all the added stress. It just makes you human. Take care girl and let us know how we can help.
              Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end.

              #7 CrystalM

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                Posted 17 July 2009 - 10:15 AM

                Every thing I had to say has been said but cause you need one
                I have a fabulous photographer I can share in the United States Virgin Islands in late April/early MayP.M. if interested!http://img.weddingco....pvbh7hxc5u.png

                #8 kdnicholer21

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                  Posted 17 July 2009 - 10:41 AM

                  Love his presence and forget about the past. If you continue to worry about it and talk about it it will ruin your relationship. Just ask yourself can I deal with this? He founds like a human who has had problems but has changed for the better, yes he has had booty call but that is all they are booty call. He has decided to give you his heart. No women has that right now so you don't have to worry about them other women! Hope it helps

                  #9 jawedding

                  • Jr. Member
                  • 197 posts

                    Posted 17 July 2009 - 01:53 PM

                    Aww.. I'm so so sorry to hear that you're feeling like this.. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to have these feelings with your wedding so quickly approaching.

                    I know everyone is saying "it's stuff you can overcome" etc.. but I am going to (at least slightly) disagree.

                    Especially if you are a single mom.. you should be very careful.. nervousness and jitters are normal to some extent, but big worries like the ones you have, especially considering that you have a child of your own, are definitely something to consider seriously.. It's so hard being so close to the wedding, but this should be a happy time in your life.. I know nothing is completely perfect, but I don't think it's great that you have so many (and such serious) stressors.. it's a whole life that you're committing to.. if any part of you doesn't feel safe in that choice, then maybe

                    You deserve complete happiness.. you deserve to be happy and excited, and to feel comfortable and safe, and to some extent at least taken care of. If you believe in the two of you, and you truely think he is deep down a genuinely good person, then you might have something worth working on, but if part of you doesn't.. to the point that you're getting increasingly uncomfortable.. I think it would be dangerous for you to ignore that voice.. uncomfortable.. but a child together followed by an unhappy unreasonably stressful marriage and a potential divorce will be much worse..

                    No, everything is not always easy, in any relationship, but that "it" factor that NYC bride2be was talking about.. yes it's special, and important.. but it's definitely not enough..

                    The other thing is.. when you talk to him about your discomforts (ie.. about the wedding coming up with the ex etc..) does he seem to care? He should. And a 'good' guy would.

                    ALL the best to you!! I hope that in a month we will be hearing that you are happy and either seeing BEAUTIFUL pictures of your wedding OR just your vacation!! (there is no shame in telling your guests "hey, we just aren't ready" and then going on a fun vacation together!).

                    IF you get married, do it for you. Nobody else's opinions matter (including ours.. we aren't in your situation).

                    33 People Booked!!

                    #10 jawedding

                    • Jr. Member
                    • 197 posts

                      Posted 17 July 2009 - 01:58 PM

                      I mean.. and I don't fully understand how everybody can be saying "oh it will all be great, just marry him".. she is saying that he has a history of being a manipulator (for booty calls no less), that his dad basically "wipes his bum", he has a history of cheating (or dating multiple at once and hurting people), he doesn't seem to care when she tries to talk to him AND she is having serious worries AND she is a single mom! That sounds pretty serious to me!!

                      I know we are all pretty 'wedding and love' crazy on here (i know i am), but this is a reality of weddings too.. that sometimes it's better to have these conversations and sometimes supporting someone means helping them to make the "hard" choice.

                      Either way, Jennie you were so right to post, and I really really hope that this all works out in a way that leaves you incredibly happy.. you sound like such a nice person!
                      33 People Booked!!

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