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JennyK

I need advice - annoying ex of FI

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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnR View Post
Well, I'm the type that would just let it be, and not do the rules or ultimatum - but then again, I've never been in your shoes! However, I will say I'd have more of a problem with FI that I would with her. He needs to have a serious talk with T and let her know where he stands. He should let her know that any kind of inappropriate behavior (like that obvious flirting) isn't welcome. He needs to set boundaries, and stick to them - otherwise he's disrespecting you. And if she has a problem with those boundaries, then it's her problem ... she can take it or leave it! Knowing girls like her, she probably loves that she's causing you issues ... which sucks. But FI can't talk to her and say "my FI doesn't want you to flirt with me anymore" or some bullshit. He needs to tell her that HE doesn't want that kind of friendship with her, that he loves you, respects you, etc. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth!
You are right. He thinks I'm making it a bigger deal than what it is.. that I'm overreacting and jealous. But I've never been jealous of anyone. I feel I have good reason. The thing is, when he told her they couldn't be friends anymore, he probably didn't tell her why. He probably just said, it's the way it's gotta be. I've been told she's vindictive.

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Wow, that is a seriously sucky situation. IMO, if you are uncomfortable with her being in your lives (which you should be based on the background info), then your FI needs to respect that & stop allowing any friendship with her affect your soon to be marriage.

 

I'm sorry, but being friends with someone you used to get naked with is virtually impossible without someone getting hurt - in this case it's you & it's not fair.

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Great advice thus far, and I defitenly agree with Ann. And if I were you, I would be careful what I say to your FSIL about 'T'. If they are as close as you say they are, then I'm probably sure she's running back to 'T' to tell her everything you said. And I think 'T' will use that as ammunition against you, meaning, she'll know what buttons of yours to push. Which in turn, may make her do things just out of spite. So be careful of what you say.

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wow, that sucks. well, if it was me - i wouldn't put up with that shit - AT ALL. The thing that i have the biggest issue with here is that your FI thinks this friendship is OK and valuable - why would he want someone around that is trying to sabotage your relationship? you shouldn't ahve to be all controling over this - you and him need to get on the same page or you will always be the 'bad guy'.

 

sorry! i feel for you on this one

xoxox

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Ann made a great point! I feel bad for the situation you are in...it is not fair at all for you and you are not making a big deal out of it, you are being honest and your fiance needs to respect you and your feelings. Im assuming he would not feel comfortable if you had a guy friend wrestling with you or obviously flirting. I think your fiance needs to talk to her, stressing the fact that he respects and loves you and does not appreciate her actions or interferences. I do not feel you need to be friends with her. You are an adult, seperating yourself from someone you do not like for good reason is fine in my opinion.

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I completely agree with Ann as well. It is your FI who has to understand your point of view. Right now he might just see you as being upset and temporarily fixing it by not talking to her for a few weeks. After the storm is over, he lets it slide and continue the relationship w/ her. IMO, he is not seeing why you're upset about this whole situation then. Since she's always gonna be in your FI's circle of friends, then I don't think cutting off all ties w/ her is going to work. You and your FI might want to be casual friends w/ her but not the close buddy type. It is really up to your FI to adress this issue otherwise it is just going to undermine your relationship.

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I agree with Ann. I don't think ultimatiums shoud be given. I hate, hate, hate that with a passion. That's such a deal breaker for me. I'm best friends with an ex who was my first love. There was a period when Brian felt uncomfortable with it, but if he ever said "it's him or me" Brian would have been gone. But instead he expressed his concern about my relationship with my ex and we talked through it. That's just my opinion though.

 

It is FI's responsibility to set boundaries. I don't think you should tell him who and who he is not allowed to be friends with. You can tell him what you are uncomfortable with and if he chooses to do something that you are not cool with you need to re-evaluate your relationship from there. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure she is doing things that you have a valid reason to be upset about but it's really not her that's the issue, it's your FI and his desire to be friends with her that is really causing the problem.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnR View Post
Well, I'm the type that would just let it be, and not do the rules or ultimatum - but then again, I've never been in your shoes! However, I will say I'd have more of a problem with FI that I would with her. He needs to have a serious talk with T and let her know where he stands. He should let her know that any kind of inappropriate behavior (like that obvious flirting) isn't welcome. He needs to set boundaries, and stick to them - otherwise he's disrespecting you. And if she has a problem with those boundaries, then it's her problem ... she can take it or leave it! Knowing girls like her, she probably loves that she's causing you issues ... which sucks. But FI can't talk to her and say "my FI doesn't want you to flirt with me anymore" or some bullshit. He needs to tell her that HE doesn't want that kind of friendship with her, that he loves you, respects you, etc. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth!
I feel the same way.

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