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LPerry

Destination Weddings and Disappointment

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I'm a mom and think Lperry you are being a little unfair about your sister & the baby situation, her concerns are legit.

Obviously you can't change the date, just to give you an idea how she might feel, think about how stressed you are and multiply that, her hormones are in overdrive and on a roller coaster all at the same time. I'm not saying you are wrong or that you aren't a mother so you don't understand, but I felt a little bad for for her.  On the same side she is your sister has had her wedding and should be more sympathetic about your stress level. Congrtats on your niece or nephew! 

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I agree RSVP's/commitments are a frustrating part of the wedding process, but whether local or a DW, it's the same thing. 

In local weddings some guests add a plus 1, when not invited, or a MOH doesn't 'fulfill' her responsibilities, divorced parents fight, cancellations days before ... there is always something. So why should we expect any less from a destination wedding?  To get through it, we just need to focus on the end result. Keep smiling and persevering. Whomever shows up that is great, all the little stuff in the middle only leads us off track and makes what should be wonderful stressful and anxiety filled. 

When we announce the engagement a the fact that it is a DW, would we expect people to right away say that's fantastic but we cannot come? They are being polite and not being a downer.

In the months that follow we are focused on us as a couple, people are focused on themselves too.

We need to be more open about the dialog we have with people.

If we are disappointed we should say so, instead of taking it in, it's on them not us.

We did right by inviting them, their choice to not attend will be on them.

These are some of the things I say to myself and try to take to heart, so I don't feel angry.

Cause the person who ends up getting the other end of my anger is the one I'm spending the rest of my life with.

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Originally Posted by whatsup View Post

 

I'm a mom and think Lperry you are being a little unfair about your sister & the baby situation, her concerns are legit.

Obviously you can't change the date, just to give you an idea how she might feel, think about how stressed you are and multiply that, her hormones are in overdrive and on a roller coaster all at the same time. I'm not saying you are wrong or that you aren't a mother so you don't understand, but I felt a little bad for for her.  On the same side she is your sister has had her wedding and should be more sympathetic about your stress level. Congrtats on your niece or nephew! 

 

I'm completely sympathetic to her having a baby. I'm THRILLED she's having a baby. As a matter of fact, my bachelorette party turned into the Baby/Birthing/Breastfeeding Monologues and I didn't say a word about it. There are a multitude of options on the table, including...bringing the baby. I have a "everything will work itself out...I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" type personality. She is by nature, a worrier, neurotic, and flaky. I love her...but she is. My stress comes from the fact that we have no parents and no grandparents...so if she's not there...I have no family there at all. No one to walk me down the aisle and no one to be my MOH. My issue was that she was flip flopping all over the place from "I want to go and be there for you - but I'm afraid of how I'll feel about leaving the baby". I've also been given a list of 50 reasons why she's not going to have a good time on this trip. She's scared to fly into Cancun by herself. She's going to have to pump. She's going to be sad b/c her husband can't go. She's not going to look cute in a swimsuit. Ok I get it...so are you not going? That's what I need to know. Just tell me b/c as empathetic as I am about the baby...I deserve an answer. I plan it with her or without her. Now, before I start getting hate mail...YES I understand that there could be an emergency or issue that keeps her from coming. I understand that....THAT could happen to anyone right before the trip. But I need to know...no you're not going....or yes, you will do everything in your power, barring any emergencies, to be there. But it's in two months and she hasn't booked - which makes me nervous b/c I feel like she's doing that on purpose so she can say....oh wow, that's too bad I couldn't get a flight out or a room. Darn...sorry.

 

Sorry I get a little riled up about this topic. It's been a hotspot for a few months now. We have very different personalities...I'm very direct...she's very indirect. I also helped raise her after our mom died. I feel like I've been there for all of her milestones...and now I just need her to be there for mine.

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LPerry, I can relate to the indecisive sister! My sister is my best friend and she is exactly as you described your sister. Luckily for me, I am able to financially help my sister and her family so they will all be there, but I know it would be difficult without that. I am sorry you have to go through this, but just remember you're not alone! The people traveling for your wedding are there for both of you. My wedding is a bit heavy on his side, light on mine, but I try not to let it bother me. Whatsup- you're right, I wouldn't expect people to right away say they aren't going when you announce your engagement. I also wouldn't expect people to just ignore it altogether, or even worse, say they are coming and then ignore you, I feel like that's not very genuine. Good luck ladies! Can't wait until the RSVP stage is over L

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I totally feel your pain..!! All of my bridesmaids (with the exception of my MOH) backed out and bailed on me! My FI has 4 guys on his side and I have 1. I've ended up having to ask people to be my BMs who I wouldn't normally have asked. Don't get me wrong, I love them but they weren't my first choices and I feel bad because that's not even fair to them. 

 

We had a million people saying they'd go and they were all really pumped - even when we told them the price. We did not get a single RSVP after we sent out the invites - I started Facebooking and texting people and even then, I barely got any responses.

 

It's so incredibly frustrating and we're starting to regret the whole DW idea. We've even had people tell us the Mexico trip is pointless since we're having a reception back home!! Once we heard that, we canceled the AHR and told people that it was because of my school schedule. If they don't care about us enough to come to Mexico to watch us get married (especially when we know they can totally afford it), then we don't care enough about them to hold a reception on our dime when we get back!

 

We told people we were getting married in Mexico well over a YEAR before the trip. We told people in September 2011 to start saving for January 2013 but clearly people don't actually take anything seriously until closer to the date and, SURPRISE - they can no longer afford it in time.

 

My cousin got married in the Dominican and it cost $2600. I was a full-time student working part-time and I managed to save the entire amount within 10 months. Most of our friends live at home and don't pay bills or they're family that is well-established financially. It's really upsetting that these people don't care enough to save some money and share in our special day.

 

I'm glad that I'm not the only one going through this (but also sad that others are having the same problem). Every destination wedding I've seen in my group of friends always has a huge turnout - and some of the resorts are waaaaay more expensive than ours! One of my friends had a whopping 90 people at her wedding! It's like pulling teeth to get people to even TELL us they're coming or not.

 

One of the main things that bothers me is that the resort we booked was not my first choice. My first choice of resort was more expensive but had a cheaper wedding package ($5000 cheaper!) but we decided to go with a less expensive resort with the more expensive wedding package so that people would be more willing to come. Now we're stuck paying way more than we wanted for the wedding and nobody is coming!

 

Sometimes I just want to scream. I keep trying to tell myself not to stress but it's tough. And it makes planning impossible when you don't know numbers. Rahh..!

 

Okay I'm done haha.. Feels nice to vent! Phew..

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Lperry - I totally understand - don't let anyone make you feel bad about the way you're feeling! While your sister has every right to be nervous, she doesn't have the right to flip flop on you! I'm dealing with the same thing with my sister. One minute she says she can't afford it, the next she says she'll be there.. But then the next day she complains about how she doesn't think she'll have the money. I told her I can't really afford to have a "maybe bridesmaid" and that didn't go over very well. I'm tired of people giving vague replies! Just say yes or no! It's really frustrating and I totally get it. I would be just as frustrated if I were you.

 

PS. I would be so choked if my bachelorette party turned into a big birthing/breastfeeding convention. I don't have kids (yet) and I can't tell you how much people with children bother me when they monopolize every conversation with their baby's pooping habits.

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Originally Posted by LPerry View Post

 

Thanks so much ladies! I'm so glad I'm not the only one. And LalaJ...I'm totally with you. I decided I'm NOT going to stress about it. If people come, they come...and it will be wonderful. As a matter of fact, the fact that it looks like we're going to have a smaller group is working to my advantage. At my resort, if you have more than 25 guests, you have to pay $400 per table for a full buffet reception. If not, they just make reservations for you at one of the restaurants. At first I thought I wanted to do a big dinner...but now I'm thinking...WHY? Let's just do dinner at the restaurant! And I'm not worried about the decor anymore. I thought I was going to be shelling out a ton of cash for one of the wedding packages....now I'm like...let's just do the plain little complimentary one. The only think I'm a little bummed about is the fact that I did put down a deposit on an outside vendor for photography, and spent a little more than I would have on a dress. I mean...it kind of defeats the purpose if no one's going to be there. BUT....I've paid for it, and it's done. 

 

Just out of curiosity...are any of you footing the bill for any of your guests? We got the "whoa is me" story from my FMIL....so we're stuck with that ticket, as well as ours and my stepsons. 

 

I'm in a similar position as you.  This is my 2nd wedding (my FI's first but he is thrilled to have a small one).  We went back and forth for a YEAR after we were engaged about what we'd do.  We had some friends we'd invite if we had a wedding at home but not close enough to invite to a DW.  Lots of family we'd feel obligated to invite at home but not necessarily WANT to invite as they always cause drama.  Loving Mexico the way we do we just kept going back to the idea of a DW and finally made the decision to just do it.  We contacted our immediate family (my brother/wife/baby, sister/husband, mom and his sister/hubby/kids and mom) and asked if they would come.  We decided if those people couldn't be there, we wouldn't do it.  They all committed and, knowing how expensive flights would be, we offered to pay for everyone at the resort for 3 nights.  This is about how much we would have spent if we did a wedding at home anyway.  It also alleviated my guilt about picking a pricey resort.  Our families are all bargain shoppers and this resort had much more than we've ever vacationed at.  We said "we hope everyone can stay for the week but completely understand if you can't."  Everyone but my sister & hubby are staying the week (they're MUCH younger than us, less financially stable, just married last year, and moving half way across the country 2 weeks later).  There has been some desire on my part about going all out on the ceremony and reception after seeing so many wonderful events on this forum.  However, for 15 people it really is fine to just do a simple ceremony (bringing some of our own decorations) and dinner at one of the resort's restaurants.  They will section our group off and let us bring our own table decorations so it practically is like our own reception.  I figure if we're footing the bill for 3 nights for everyone at an all-inclusive, there is NO need to go all out for the wedding too.  I've tried to make it clear to everyone that we are only taking up one evening of the week and they can do whatever, whenever they want.  I know *I* picked their vacation spot for this year but I don't want to control their entire vacation.  I honestly think that this is where most people end up disliking DW weddings.  If I have to save up for a year to take my family on a vaca, I want it to be somewhere WE want to go.  Some people may not want to go to our choice in destinations, that's all.  Still NO reason for the avoidance or made up excuses though!!!

 

I really hope your sister and officiant make a final decision very soon for you so you can stop worrying and get on with the show!  :)

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I love that this website gives us an opportunity to vent our frustrations! We can go on and on...but in the midst of it, I'm also glad to see a post like whatsup's. People are going to annoy us no matter what. We're going to feel certain ways.

 

I'm going to keep reminding myself over and over, that this is OUR time. There or not, we'll have a great time regardless! It's going to special. I'm going to be happy when my fiance sees me walking down the aisle for the first time.  I'm going to be ecstatic to have our first dance. I'm going to cry when I dance with my dad. Yea, I'm going to focus on the things that'll make me happy. Of course, easier said than done, but I'm definitely going to try.

 

So all the people who have told me that they are coming, and they bail. Good riddance. All those that cancel out even after reserving, see you when we get back.  All those who don't show up...send me a gift suckas! (adding a neck twirl and all!)

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatsup View Post

I agree RSVP's/commitments are a frustrating part of the wedding process, but whether local or a DW, it's the same thing. 

In local weddings some guests add a plus 1, when not invited, or a MOH doesn't 'fulfill' her responsibilities, divorced parents fight, cancellations days before ... there is always something. So why should we expect any less from a destination wedding?  To get through it, we just need to focus on the end result. Keep smiling and persevering. Whomever shows up that is great, all the little stuff in the middle only leads us off track and makes what should be wonderful stressful and anxiety filled. 

When we announce the engagement a the fact that it is a DW, would we expect people to right away say that's fantastic but we cannot come? They are being polite and not being a downer.

In the months that follow we are focused on us as a couple, people are focused on themselves too.

We need to be more open about the dialog we have with people.

If we are disappointed we should say so, instead of taking it in, it's on them not us.

We did right by inviting them, their choice to not attend will be on them.

These are some of the things I say to myself and try to take to heart, so I don't feel angry.

Cause the person who ends up getting the other end of my anger is the one I'm spending the rest of my life with.

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I feel your pain ladies! I checked our returned RSVP list today and realised all our friends on my FIs side have replied (some coming, some not, fair enough) but NONE of mine have! Not sure if my friends just secretly don't like me or if girls are just less good at committing than girls? Either way, I'm feeling horrible about it :(

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I just came across this thread, and I wish I would have found it earlier! So many of what you are saying is exactly what we went through. I felt hurt and ignored for at least a week when people just started avoiding us (or so it seemed to me at least). Our guest list of "absolute yes" went from 60+ to where it is now, 9. We gave everyone two years advance notice. Two years ago we picked the resort, the travel agent, and the date in hopes that giving that much advance notice would make it possible for our friends and family to make it work. It didn't work, although I'm glad we did it that way because I know that there was really nothing more we could have done to make it easier for people. With our travel agent, all that was required was a $75 deposit to make your reservation. From there you could pay as much or as little as you wanted as long as it was paid in full 30 days prior to departure.

 

We have friends and family we know could afford it, and know have the time to make it. It was their decision to not make it work, and there is nothing we could have done. My father won't be there, and none of my siblings will be there. The only one that hurts is my dad (I understand my siblings reasons and they are valid). I know my dads finances and he is an avid traveler, and the fact that he didn't make time for me still stings a little. My MOH had every excuse in the world to not make it, but she made it work and will be by my side. She has shown me what a true friend really is.

 

In the end, we need to see the glass half full right? So, because my guest list has diminished drastically we will be showing the people who do come the time of their lives! We can afford the best of everything now, we will be paying for all the guys to have a guys day of deep sea fishing and all the girls will be at the spa. We are having the best flowers, an amazing dinner and so on. So there it is, my glass is half full! Also, I know who my true friends are and I know who I will always be able to count on. It is sad and gratifying at the same time.

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