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FI sister... do I have to make her a bridesmaid???

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#1 inloveinkorea

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    Posted 14 January 2012 - 07:46 AM

    Hello ladies. I have an etiquette question. 


    My FI has mentioned a few times that he thinks the groom's sister is automatically a bridesmaid. I don't know what to do. Although she is nice, we don't really have anything in common, and we're not close. In fact, we don't really have that much to talk about when it comes down to it.. probably stemming from the fact that we are COMPLETELY different people in personality, goals, and views. 


    Family is very important to my FI but he's not super close with his sister in terms of.. they're best buds or something. It's his only sibling, and I'm an only child. 


    Our wedding is going to be a little alternative. First, I plan on walking down the aisle by myself, as my father and I had a falling out several years ago. Second, I'm trying to keep the wedding party small. My MOH is actually my MAN of Honor, as my best friend is a guy, and I only want 2-3  girls besides him. 


    I know everyone says.. "do what YOU want on your wedding day," but I also don't want to break some huge etiquette law and have hurt feelings or something. 


    What I want to know is what YOU would do if you were in this situation. Thanks ladies! 



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    Posted 14 January 2012 - 08:21 AM

    Personally, I would have her. Not because of etiquette reasons but just to show a bond between you and your FI's family. You don't have anything against her, imagine how happy it would probably make her, and how everyone would say oh how nice, etc. Honestly it's up to you and of course you should do what YOU want on your day. But maybe it will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship between you two, even if you have no common ground now, it could be the base for it later. Sent from my iPhone 4 using Tapatalk

    #3 cdc150

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      Posted 14 January 2012 - 08:27 AM

      I was in the same situation, I'm not super close with my future SIL and we don't have a ton in common.  Don't get me wrong, she's nice, but we're just not really friends.  But then I thought about it, I couldn't imagine not having my own sister in my wedding, as she's my MOH.  I'm sure my FI feels the same way, its family that he grew up with, of course she should be standing up there with him as we say I do.  We are not mixing the sexes on each side, so she will be up there with me in a coral dress like my other bridesmaids.  I can tell you she hasn't been super helpful with planning stuff for my shower and I doubt she'll attend my bachelorette, but she's about to be family and deserves to be honored in that way as part of our wedding. 

      #4 Cateyedcutie

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        Posted 14 January 2012 - 09:19 AM

        FI's sister is in our wedding party, We don't really have a relationship to speak of right now, but it's his sister, My brother is one of the groomsmen so I guess it all works out. I would never get married without my brother beside me, and he feels the same about his sister. She doesn't have to be bff close, but it's obvious from the number of times he's mentioned it your FI wants her standing up for him. In the grand scheme of things, it's not that big a deal imho. If he had 4 sisters I could see it being an issue, but it's his only sibling.  

        #5 inloveinkorea

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          Posted 14 January 2012 - 09:54 AM

          Thanks ladies. 


          I don't think I have wrapped my mind around the fact that his family is going to become mine as well! 


          Since we are mixing genders, at least I am with my man of honor, would it be more appropriate for her to stand on my side or his?



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          #6 lolo411

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            Posted 16 January 2012 - 04:10 PM

            I can understand that maybe you should ask her, but I also think if he wants her in it, then he should ask her to stand on his side. Such a tough decision! I am somewhat close with Fi's sisters, but only asked my sister since we aren't really having a wedding party. She is it since we are only inviting immediate family. I felt a little bad, but also thought it may be weird having 3 of our 12 guests be my BMs and no GMs. And I didn't want to demote my sister since she was my MOH at my 1st wedding. :P


            Good luck with whatever you decide! 

            #7 nmw134

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              Posted 19 January 2012 - 08:46 AM

              I struggled with this exact same thing! Since we are having a destination wedding and only have about 34 people coming, I didn't want a big bridal party, but my FI convinced me to have three on each side. He has a brother and a sister.  I have two sisters and two brothers. I am having my best friend, my one sister, and my brother's fiancee as my bridesmaids. I never once suggested that he have my brothers on his side, as they are not close and he already wanted his brother and best friend/cousin. My FI let it go, but apparently his sister then began bringing it up to him. We are not close, and while I do not have a problem with her, she is the type of person who likes to make things all about her and wants to be the one in charge and making the decisions on things. One of my FI's groomsmen ended up deciding they could not afford to come, so I suggested that my FI ask his sister to stand up on his side so it would be even with three on each side, and he agreed. His sister has not really started any drama about this, besides wanting to make the decision on what she is wearing and flowers and things like. My FI has told her that those things will be his decision, and she has since backed down. So I say do whatever is best for you. Since you already have a guy on your side, I think it would be fine for her to be on his side. However if he does not agree with that and keeps pushing you to add her to your side, I guess you just have to decide if you would rather please him and have her or upset him and not have her.

              #8 Janet1480

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                Posted 19 January 2012 - 09:40 AM

                I had a man of honor and 2 bridesmaids and my hubby has his sister as his best woman and had 2 groomsmen. So if you are already mixing sexes there is no reason she cant stand on his side and it balances things out in the pics anyway :)


                And now his sister is getting married at the end of February and my hubby is going to be one of her "bridesmaids" and I am not in the wedding and it doesn't bother me one bit. 


                You have to look at it in many way....

                -what if he had 5 or 6 siblings...you wouldn't include them all and you wouldn't pick some over others if you were close to all of them. 

                -what if it was the other way around. Would you insist your FI include your brother if you had a brother you were super close to

                -would you be accepting if you put her in your wedding to make FI happy and then she didnt participate in showers or bachelorettes or planning? etc


                at the end of the day you have to do what makes both you and FI happy and that may mean she is in the wedding even if its not 100% what you want. Compromises begin even before the I do's :) :)


                Good Luck

                Married my soul mate and best friend on October 25th 2011 at Paradisus Punta Cana

                #9 inloveinkorea

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                  Posted 22 January 2012 - 06:40 AM

                  Thank you for your replies everyone. 


                  As it stands, my FI isn't even sure he wants to have wedding parties at all. He doesn't want to choose between his friends. So PC, but I suppose I understand. I think choosing the party can be very complicated and hurt feelings are bound to happen. I will insist on at least having my best man. He's like my brother, I love him dearly, and if I could, I'd have him walk me down the aisle.. so, perhaps in worst case scenario (being that my FI refuses to have groomsman), perhaps I can have my "brother" as my MOH, and he can have his sister as BW.


                  The interesting thing is that my FI couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of having mixed gender bridal parties and kept insisting that my MOH stand on his side just because he's male. I had to put my foot down and say, "no way, he's mine!" haha.. either way, a lot to think about and I will definitely take everyone's feedback into consideration!

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                  #10 tanikwish

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                    Posted 25 January 2012 - 06:35 AM

                    I was having this issue, but with my own family. And of course, tradition mandates you have to have your family as attendants. So to keep costs down (and the drama) I'm just not having any attendants. I hate being "all or nothing," but it is our day, not theirs. But I'm already making a big adjustment even having a wedding. :)

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