Hey everyone! So I need suggestions, input, thoughts, opinions, etc. This is probably going to be a little long, so get comfy!
Okay, so Fi has several female good friends/best friends. I'm completely fine with this. I've met most of his close female friends, and I've even met a girl he thought he was going to marry at one point. They are still great friends, and she and I have actually become good friends, too. She's a total sweetheart and is invited to our DW.
On the other hand, is FI's BFFFFF (ok, overboard on the F's, but you get the picture). He swears he's never had any feelings for her, and I totally believe him. I don't, for a second, second guess him or what he tells me. To quote him, "OMG, I have NEVER seen her like that! I've never wanted to sleep with her, not even when I was desperate!" I do, however, feel she harbors ill feelings for me and has more than platonic feelings for him. Why, you ask? Here goes...
Where to start? She sends him love letters and cards and emails. Phallic themed cards that say, verbatim, "I saw this card and thought of you! ....And, OMG, I miss and love and adore you like crazy. We really need a phone date soon." She tells him she loves him nonstop and misses him like crazy. Okay, well a bunch of our platonic friends of opposite sex say "love ya!"... but not all the time and not on phallic themed cards and not at the end of every conversation. We're not talking lil notes, either. We're talking multiple page emails which end in about five X's and five O's. Oh, she also invited/asked him to go on vacation with her and there was no mention of me in that little invite. Actually, I think she only asks about me to make sure her competition is still in the picture (mostly before he put a ring on it), now she doesn't ask about me at all. Nevermind that she didn't ask how I was during my hospital stays.. but oh, boy. Was she blowin up his phone when she needed him for her "issues". "I need you right now."
Oh, and then there are the habitual late night calls. She used to call, like clockwork, between the hours of 12-4am (Pacific time, she's like three hours ahead of us time zone wise). Why was she calling? "just to talk" Okay, even if you argue, "well that's how their relationship has been for years." Okay, but should it continue to be like that for years? I have several close friends, some of the opposite sex, but once they know I'm in a serious relationship, unless someone is going through a crisis, there are no late night calls or inappropriate activity. There's not even questionable activity! So, we've got late night calls, and let's throw the late night "I love you and miss you" texts in there, too, and then the cards and notes.
At this point, some of you might ask if FI knows how I feel. YES. He absolutely does. We talk about everything. So I expressed how I felt. Why I felt that way, etc. So, he said he didn't think there was any intentional inappropriate action on her part. But if it ever seemed like there was, he would put a stop to that and drastically change the parameters of their relationship/friendship. I was happy with that response. BUT. He was just so oblivious to all my points until I pointed them out. It was simply that he hadn't thought about it from my point of view. I should also note that I would never, ever forbid him from seeing friends. I'd never purposely make him choose, and I could never ask him to stop being friends with her. I just don't think it's right for me to tell him what to do, even if it bugs me. I trust him; it's her I don't trust.
He pointed out that I have close friends, and that one of my good friends used to like me. I told him that was different. He asked how. Simple. I HAVE NEVER SHARED MY BED AND CUDDLED WITH THIS FRIEND. HE HAS WITH HER. They didn't have sex, but they would hold each other, cuddle each other, and sleep together in the same bed. And they'd kiss (peck) on the lips. Um... I dunno any straight male "friends" that have done that with me that didn't wanna sleep with me. None of my friends call me late at night. None of them invite me on vacation without him. None of them tell me over and over again they love me and miss me.
In my opinion, she has feelings for him. At the very least, I feel her actions are inappropriate. And once he met me and things got serious, i think she began to get scared she'd lose him. Like, she prob thought she'd always be his No. 1 girl and now that things have changed, she's realizing the ship has gone and sailed, and she's trying to call it back to port.
So, am I overreacting? Am I being paranoid over nothing? And, I'm sure many of you are wondering... I am NOT exaggerating with any comments, statements, figures, numbers, times, etc. Those quotations are verbatim. If I say she calls at two, she calls and leaves vm, and texts, at 2:00am.
After the last time I pointed all of this out to FI, he was kind of shocked as though something had finally clicked. He kept saying he never saw it that way, never thought of it that way. I sense that he has since distanced himself from her a bit. So, what brings me to start this thread?
FI sent me his guest list for DW. She wasn't on it. I'm positive it's because he knows how I feel. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love and appreciate he is taking my feelings and the situation into consideration. Most people would be thrilled. Me? I feel guilty. I want him to be happy as it's his day, too. Do I want her there? I don't think so. I am afraid I'd feel irritated or bothered at my own DW. But, if it's important to him, then I want him to be happy. And, i love him and I see the effort he's been making, so maybe I should reciprocate. Hold out the olive branch and tell him to invite her. (unless she crosses a line and forces me to beat her with said olive branch) So, should I bring up the guest list to him and tell him to invite her?
Thoughts, opinions, all appreciated. Thanks!