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karenk77

breakup or forgive & not forget

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Wow. That is really tough. You say you don't trust easily so you probably haven't been blind to any similar incidences in the past. If it is the first one, I suggest you work through it as best you can. I'm a big believer in trying to work things out so you can look back and say you've tried as hard as you can. If it works out- wonderful and if not- you won't have any what if's.

Good luck- my heart goes out to you.

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Be sure to find out what the money was "paying off." My exhusband took $5000 from our account to pay for a pregnant woman on the side. (Can you tell I'm always skeptical) It will put your mind at ease and then you can work on trust. It took me 3 years with my current FI to learn how to trust him after what happened in my first marriage, luckily he's very patient & understanding but trust is huge so the best thing your man can do is tell you everything and not hold back.

Hope it all works out for you!

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Oh, Karen, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve this & it's not fair that your FI kept this from you. I can only imagine how hurt & upset you are, but I agree that you should take a step back, breathe deeply & then try to have a calm talk with him.

 

These are questions I would be wondering about so I could get to the bottom of what happened - & maybe you already know the answers (obviously I don't expect you to give details here, but just stuff to sort through together). What was it that he owed the $ from? Was it from before you were together or while you've been dating? Is this the first time this has happened (him owing a major debt)? I would be worried about a gambling addiction personally so I think it's important to find out what happened b/c if that is the problem he should seek help for that.

 

Equally important is to find out why he didn't tell you. You two are about to be married and I know how much being honest & open means to you. He probably was ashamed & trying to protect you from this, but there is no room for that in a marriage and I hope this experience teaches him that. You need to be able to trust each other which requires being honest, including about your faults & the things you're ashamed of.

 

I know no one can tell you what to do, but if you love this man (& I know you do) you both owe it to yourselves to try & work this through. Every couple struggles. There will always be a bump in the road somewhere & I think it's how we work through those together that really strengthens relationships.

It's good he brought you some flowers but I hope he's willing to have a long-ass open talk (or talks) with you!

Oh, & I also think you were wise to not tell your family. I've done that in the past & it just ends up bad. People don't need to know all your business.

 

Lots of hugs to you, K!

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I did find out what it was for..past football bets (alot of them) thats been an issue in the past and one i made him swear to stop when we started dating because i wouldnt tolerate it, and so he knew if he would tell me id flip the f out! as i have before. this is just such a nasty mess and i try to grasp it and i just cant.

suuuuuucks!!!

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Hopefully you guys will work it out. Sit and talk & decide what your priorities are. Do you love each other enough to work through this and start opening up with each other...those are questions you need to ask yourself.

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I honestly understand being confused about getting married because you were lied to, I called my wedding off a month ago, but you have to really think about things rationally. Right now you may still be upset and very emotional about the situation and that's totally understandable. Have you all went to counseling together or individually? I see you stated that the gambling was an issue before. It may be worth a try before just calling things off. You have to forgive him for what he did and for your own sanity and counseling may help you do that as well as get you guys back on track. I wish you guys the best of luck.

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I say forgive! That doesnt mean you have to forget. People make mistakes everyday. He was trying to protect you and himself. And yes it was silly for him not to tell you. But he tried to get rid of a mess so you wouldnt have to worry about it. You should put everything out on the table and say listen you need to be honest with me all the time. He needs to know he can come to you no matter what where when and how. It will all work out. No worries!

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For his past gambling problem -- did he ever get help? did he go to gamblers anon? did he seek counseling? Or did he just quit on his own?

Gamblers are a tricky type of person..it is an addiction like alcohol or drugs and it doesn't go away on it's own. The fact that he took the $5k to pay off old debts in secret make me think that he has been gambling... I'm sorry I know from personal experience, the lying is part of the addiction. Sure he was probably ashamed when confronted but at the time, the decisions are controlled by the addiction.

I think you might want to go to gamblers anonymous meetings together, as well as counseling, and take it slowly from there. If he's willing to go to counseling, that's a great start.

 

Best of luck, I know how hard this is.

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he's been in therapy, and he swore up and down hes stopped whether thats true or not i dont know, but that was my first question did he spend it on that. he keeps saying that hes saying sorry theres nothing more he can do to make me forgive him,a nd im saying its not about forgiving because that wasnt something unintentional, it was very intentional and he knew what he was doing..our wedding is in 3mths and my fam keeps asking me did we book, plus i was going to down to DR with my mom to finalize a few things and so everyday she asks me when are we going and i say i dont know. this whole thing is so f'd up and i just dont know what to do sad.gif

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