breakup or forgive & not forget
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:00 PM
so anyway as you can imagine i am a confused mess, and i know noone can make any desicions for me or do i expect anyone too..but i am not telling anyone i know about this because i'm a a private person about my business(yet im announcing it on a website lmao) but its different i guess and just curious how you would react as you're reading this?
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:13 PM
Wow this would be a tough one! I am not one to easily forgive and I am typically pretty skeptical as well so I can totally relate.
That being said, I have dealt with similar, not the same by any means, but similar situations with my FI in the past. What I have learned and what I can deduce from your situation is, it sounds like your FI felt pretty ashamed about the money he owed to someone, asahmed enough that he didn't want to tell anyone about it. I can totally understand how upset you would be because I would imagine you feel like he lied and conceled something from you (atleast that's how I would feel). My first thought would be- if you can hide this, what else are you capable of hiding. What you should try to keep in mind is people don't always think things all the way through. If he owed someone 5K or any chunk of money it was probably the result of a poor decision in the past that he was ashamed of to begin with, by not bringing it to your attention he felt like he was protecting you from his blunder.
In my opinion he did not do this to be sneaky or hide things from you, but he did want someone who wanted to stay out of trouble and make up for their past mistakes would do. This isn't how I would go about it, nor how you probably would either, but the fact is he did. I know it can feel like a deal breaker, but try to put yourself in his shoes and understand why he did it. It sounds like to me he wanted to pay off his debt and move forward with a life with you.
I would feel devistated as well. I think the most important factor is how is he going to handle this going forward and what is he going to do to make you feel better about the situation. He made a mistake, as EVERYONE does, how will he fix/handle it.
You love him, you plan to marry him, you atleast owe him the opportunity to begin to rebuild trust with you. Punshing him over and over will only make it worse, trust me, i've done it. Give him a chance to remind you why you picked him in the first place.
I hope you can find it in your heart to give him a second chance. In my opinion he deserves it.
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:19 PM
“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”
“You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.”
" If we really want to love
we must learn how to forgive "
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:24 PM
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:25 PM
I guess because I know his past I am just scared to have any patterns repeat. I know thats it not anything done intentionally to me but exactly like you said if you can do this whats to stop you from doing it again. i dont want to be a hawk, or a detective or anything like that..ugh what a mess!!
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:34 PM
It sounds like to me you just need to keep a sharp eye on things, but i really feel like he deserves a second chance. I think if you do some real soul searching you will find your answer. You probably know deep down inside if he would ever do something sneaky again. IT sounds like extremely poor and immature decision making to me....
I think you guys can get though this and come out on the other side a stronger couple. One thing I learned is I can be hard to approach about things that my FI knows is going to make me upset because I am very emotional and I can tend to have knee-jerk reactions...maybe your fi feels the same. I just know I do it because I am passionate about the way I feel about things...
how are you feeling now? Still the same?
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:48 PM
as for how i feel..no clue u did make me feel better though thank you, he just walked in with a huge bouquet so i said u tryin 2 cover urself from every angle?
just unneccesary crap that i dont want to deal with..i cant lie for my life so this just bugs me out
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:51 PM
give yourself a little while to sort your feelings out before you do anything!! there is no need for a rash decision. I would be absolutely LIVID and you have every right to feel the way that you do.
sammysgirl had a great one: “You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.”
it is hard to face up to thing that you are ashamed of, but put your big boy britches on and come clean! that was something that you all could have worked out together. But alas - it is over and done with. Just take some time to explore how your feel before you make a decision. And....major kudos to you for not telling anyone you know. that only makes things worse.
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:57 PM
He's trying atleast. I know its hard to forgive.
Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:59 PM
Good luck and HUGS!
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