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So maybe I was in over my head.....(long) Updated

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#1 big3n09

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  • 616 posts

    Posted 27 October 2009 - 09:44 PM

    Initially I had no idea or plans for our relationship to go the route it did but it did and this past year has been such a roller coaster and I'm so nauseated and sick I don't know what may happen if I don't get off.....

    Let me take you back to 5 years ago when we met through a mutual friend and she told me his history and I was like ok and still befriended him. My intentions were to just be friends and have a good time given his history. His history at the time was he had just came out of a rocky 10 year on and off relationship 4 months prior that 3 children were born to and she was about 4/5 months pregnant.

    I was one to never get into a serious relationship with men that had children because of all the drama, that quickly changed. I proceeded cautiously due to the fact he had a baby on the way and I didn't know how he was going to act once the child was born. That had no affect on our relationship on his behalf but of course it was a major issuer with the ex, which was understandable to a certain degree. So things between us were almost great his family loved me from day one. Christmas 2005 he had all the kids and that may have been the 3rd time since birth he had the baby. Ex comes over to his parents house causes a big blow up because she wanted her baby and did not want the baby around me, baby at the time 10/11 months.
    So it caused some major suspicion by everyone as to why she was acting that way with him. So since then she has not let him have a relationship with the child he sees the child when he goes to the house to pick up the other kids or events for the other kids and the kid has been over his mom's house a few times with the other kids. So we have had discussions about him taking a paternity test, not by my suggestion, and he was all for it and his parents even think he should have all the kids tested. One other point is that he acts so passive to his Ex and it is such a turn off to me it's like one of those situations because they have kids she can pull strings. My issue with that is I came from a broken home my parents divorced when I was 8 and I know how arrangements can be made and you still have a good relationship with your parents.

    So this past year....I have changed our original date because I caught him with a girl at his house. I have not always been as faithful as I should have and I forgave him with the understanding that it never happens again. We joined church and started counseling. Counseling was good but I'm not positive how receptive he was to it. The next thing was he was deceitful about a court date for child support and did not tell me until the situation escalated to a legal matter. I had been encouraging him to get things handeled in court for years since they couldn't handle things amongst themselves. Last but not least he went to court and did not take the paternity test for the youngest child after we agreeded he would and talked about it in great detail and he has to pay child support for him. Now he claims he is still going to do it but WHEN.....? My issue is I don't want to be resentful to the child because in the back of my mind were not sure he is his child because the child does not deserve that. However adding another child to the relationship is def a factor in our future and I feel I have a right to know up front.

    So I just want to call it quits now! I think I have done all I can, I have been patient, understanding, supportive, and helpful in every way I can. I have prayed, prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. I guess now I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision by leaving. We did have a small 3 month break up 2 1/2 years ago and I thought then I had decided his goods outweighed the bad and I really wanted us to be together. Now it seems like the good vs. bad is equal or the bad is outweighing the good. I just needed to VENT and I don't even want to keep being on the trip dow the aisle this way. Thanks for letting me vent sorry for the length and thanks for listening.
    4/1/11 in St. Kitts at the Marriott I married my best-friend!!!

    #2 lscilley

    • Sr. Member
    • 1,466 posts

      Posted 27 October 2009 - 10:19 PM

      Sorry to hear you are going through all this. I wish I had some advice but you seem to have tried everything I would have thought of I just hope that you get through all this and do what will make you happy!!!

      #3 ClintsGurl09

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      • 660 posts

        Posted 27 October 2009 - 10:28 PM

        I know this is not much help but you have to do what makes you happy.

        #4 michelle6114

        • Jr. Member
        • 209 posts

          Posted 27 October 2009 - 10:34 PM

          Wow, sorry about all this. You have to worry about yourself though. It sounds like this man has way too many issues that will make a relationship with him very stressful. My sister is in a relationship like that and I wish she would leave because he is dragging her down. This is all your decision obviously but it looks like you gave it your all and like I said, you have to worry about you now.

          #5 ML YoungLove

          ML YoungLove
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            Posted 27 October 2009 - 10:51 PM

            I am going to be harsh, and I am sorry.

            Honestly, I think that you have done all that you can. I hope you make the right decision, because this is your life and future. It would be better to call off the wedding instead of spending loads of money on the wedding and a divorce. Start putting yourself first!
            Mrs. Young

            #6 mlabbe

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            • 784 posts

              Posted 27 October 2009 - 10:55 PM

              Wow, that's pretty heavy! I hate to say this but if you aren't happy, things aren't going to get better by getting married. It sounds like you have tried a lot to make this work, but perhaps you need to let him know exactly how you feel... perhaps this way you will know if it's worth putting in more effort or not based on his answer.

              All I know is that I stayed 6 years in a relationship that was not meant to be only because I really wanted it to work and because I was afraid to take the chance and move on. I did move on though, and found the love of my life in the process. Good things do happen!

              Best of luck, and make the best decision for yourself!

              #7 Preciousmi811

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              • 342 posts

                Posted 28 October 2009 - 02:41 AM

                It is time to go. He has been slowly sucking you dry and I pray that you have enough strength to leave. Good rule of thumb when you cry when your in the shower or are unhappy at times you should be happy then it is time to make a drastic change. You are in a one sided relationship doing all the work. This is no way anyone should live. I am a Pentecostal preachers kid so I get the forgiving, the trust in god but I went through this myself GO NOW! I reached out to people and they all would say well people can change, pray for him, god has a plan etc... What I needed was for people to point out the obvious like I am doing to you. Pack your stuff and leave, cut off communication from him, his family, and the church you got counseling from. You need to find you again. PM me if you want to talk further, surround yourself with people who will support you and help you be strong. I know it must seem like the hardest choice to make but hey look what you have survived already you can do it.
                One Love

                ClubHotel Riu Negril May 14 2010 wedding date. Anyone want to share a photographer? I am flying my photographer out regardless, if you want to split travel cost let me know!!!!

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                #8 super19

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                  Posted 28 October 2009 - 09:42 AM

                  I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think your instincts are right on. You should put yourself first and your quest is to be happy. Go with your gut. It's going to be hard but I believe you will look back and know that you did the right thing.

                  Good luck and remember there are are ton of people wishing the best for you.

                  #9 ldeavila

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                  • 206 posts

                    Posted 28 October 2009 - 10:11 AM

                    Wow, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Its sounds like you have gone above and beyond to make this relationship work and he hasn't done much. I know sometimes it's hard to make a decision , but I think you have to put yourself first and realize that you are not happy and getting married may not make things better. Good luck with yout decision.
                    Mr. & Mrs. Rangel!!!

                    #10 riokayak

                    • Jr. Member
                    • 175 posts

                      Posted 28 October 2009 - 11:39 AM

                      Sounds similar to what a coworker is constantly dealing with. A crazy ex and a husband that won't stand up to his ex. The coworker has the stable job, so she is the one spending money on lawyers to get the child support/custody figured out. He doesn't take the initiative to file paper work, call the lawyer, etc. She's doing it all on her time and dime for his kid. (NOTE: she loves the step-son, but has been drug through the ringer because of her husband) After seeing her go through all this for the last 4 years (I've known her 4 years) I swore I would never get myself into a situation like that.

                      I think too many women settle because they either don't have the confidence to move on, want to be married so badly and think that marriage is some finish line and suddenly all will be perfect or are too concerned with what other people will think. I only know you from this one post, so I don't feel right telling what decision to make, only that something needs to give. If you decide to move on, do so with open eyes. Desperate people will promise anything to keep you in their web. He's proven he's lied (other woman) and that he doesn't do what he says he will (paternity test). So I know I wouldn't trust him. People change, but that's pretty drastic.

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