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Would this bother you? (warning, long story)

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15 replies to this topic

#1 leogurl

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    Posted 27 April 2009 - 05:19 PM

    I don't know if I'm just PMS'ing and really emotional, if what I'm experiencing is the normal concerned child experience when parents begin dating, or if I have a really valid opinion.

    So my father passed away in 2003. My dad was an alcoholic and not the easiest person to be with, but my mother stuck by him through everything. I moved across the states from my mom to begin graduate school less then a year later, this is where I currently live. A year after my dad passed my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it sucked that I was not there. She had many guys interested in dating her, but she dated one guy exclusively, and he supported her through her doctor appointments and surgeries. I had a hard time accepting it at first, but I didn't say anything or do anything about the weirdness. I just knew it felt weird, but I got over it. So he eventually moved in with my mom, and they married 07/07/07. At this time I really liked him, because he was such a good person and treated my mom in a way that my dad never did. In October 08, she said they are getting divorced, and I was so upset. My mom said she didn't really love him in that way, and she married him out of appreciation for how he supported her through her breast cancer treatment (she recovered fully by the way). She said she really tried, and she thought she would eventually fall in love with him rather than just love him, but it just was not enough for her. I forgave her, and I understand now how hard it was for her. I don't think what she did was right, because I know he was heartbroken and he was so good to her and to me. But I understand. So a couple months after their separation, I get engaged. I tell my mom about the destination wedding and how it will be in March 2010, and I encouraged her to find someone to bring, like a friend.

    So now this is the part where I get upset. Last weekend, my mom tells me she's been dating someone for two months. I had no idea, no hints or anything. And the way she tells me is by saying "I might take someone to your wedding". Immediately I got upset. I was so mad that she hid from me the fact that she was dating someone. We had a fight, but we made up, and I thought she understood. She didn't. She started telling me again that she's planning on taking this guy to my wedding, although she does at least acknowledge that she does not know if they will still be together even. I told her that she can't bring someone I've never met to the wedding (we're having a small wedding, only inviting close friends and family who have known as a couple, so probably about 25 people total). So she's offering to fly me and my fiance to my cousins wedding in Alabama this summer because she's bringing this guy with her to that wedding. I don't know what to do. My FI agrees that it's strange for my mom to do this. He also really bonded with my ex-step-dad, so he probably feels some allegiance to him yet. My mom is not the flirty type or the kind of woman who needs a man; she's very independent. I feel like she is rushing into relationships without thinking about me. Of course, it's not about me, I don't live neaby her, and her only family besides me in the States is her sister in Alabama. So I realize she's probably lonely and wants to enjoy life after the exhausting marriage she had with my father for 25 years. I just don't know that I'm ready to have her be so into someone already so soon. And she swears the feelings she has for this guy are different and that she wouldn't have told me if she wasn't sure about him. She accused me of not wanting her to be happy, which is ridiculous. I told her I don't want to spend my wedding having to be fake nice and getting to know some guy. I'm sure everything will work itself out, and it will be fine. But I hate feeling like my mom is being naive and thoughtless. And maybe I'm just being selfish. Anyone have any thoughts?

    #2 Sammygurlj

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      Posted 27 April 2009 - 05:33 PM

      I think you should meet him before you make any decisions. If she really didn't love her last husband it may not seem to her that she is rushing into anything, she probably was not really invested in the relationship and felt like it was over a long time before the actual divorce. YOu have a right to be upset because she took this man out of your life as well, but if she is really interested in a relationship with this new guy you shoudl at least give him a chance, you never know, he just might be a great guy. As for the wedding, meet him before and make a decision, that way if he does come there won't be that awkward first meeting feeling.

      #3 Hartyt509

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        Posted 27 April 2009 - 05:34 PM

        Oooo this sounds familiar!

        FI's step dad died and less than 6 weeks later FMIL moved a bloke into her house! I have to admit since that time I haven't really had anything to do with her because she turned into the most selfish person and put his bloke before everyone.

        FI got an MBE and this bloke got invited to the palace I was fuming, she has since married him and he is coming to the wedding but I really can't stand him and its made me hate my FMIL with a passion for what she has done to her son.

        My mum died 10 years ago and all I could think about was my dad wouldn't do that! He has just got married after 10 years on his own and I was furious at first but I never see him so it's not in my face and now i'm okish with it.

        I don't think you are being selfish it's not hard to understand why you don't want a stranger at your wedding that might not be around in 2 weeks lol Just explain how you feel if she doesn't get it tell her straight he isn't invited and won't be made welcome.

        You can't change how you feel and honestly your wedding isn't about your mother and her happiness its about yours

        #4 soccergurl3

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          Posted 27 April 2009 - 06:12 PM

          The only thing that i don't get is that you told your mom that you wanted her to bring a friend and then when she wants to bring a "boyfriend" you reacted to say that only close friends and family could now come. That is probably why she reacted in the way that she did.

          #5 Jacilynda

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            Posted 27 April 2009 - 06:33 PM

            Oh honey I can really really relate to you. My father was also an alcoholic and treated my mom horribly. I always prayed they would get divorced. Well God had another plan and my father died when i was 12. My father and I did not really get along and I hated how he treated my mom. The last few days before he died were sooooo strange because thats the best we ever got along in my life and I'm so glad I had that time w/ him.

            My grandmothers 2nd husband had died and she has schizophrenia so my mom and my sister and i went to Nebraska to help her get rearranged and moved after the loss of her husband. My father died while we were there. So of course we came home. My mom left a month later and flew to nebraska to help my grandma w/out my sis and I. While she was there she ran into her ex boyfriend from High school. I guess they spent the whole 2 weeks together and started dating (months after my father died!!!). Even though i didn't get along w/ my father, I still loved him, and I hadn't really mourned his death yet. I felt like since i was the oldest I needed to be strong and never really broke down til later in life. My mom waited 3 weeks after she got home to tell us. She asked if we were upset and that we were first. Although I never felt that way. My mom then started dating another guy at the same time! i think my mom fell in love w/ the way these guys were treating her and not really them. She broke it off w/ the second one, but then the 1st broke up w/ her for dating another guy at the same time. The next guy that came along was of course nice to her and she dated him and moved him into our house, then they later married. It took me a LONG time to like the guy or even like my mom dating. I really seriously honestly think she loved how they were treating her. My mom and the last guy are still married. We get along now cause they live across the country, although if we're together more than 5 days we really get on each others nerves. My point in all of this is:

            I learned to deal w/ this by just staying on my moms side. Phil, her husband now, treats her well and makes her happy. I am not going to be around my whole life to make her happy, I have my own life. So i learned to deal w/ this and move and like the guy for loving my mom and making her happy. I know you really don't like your mom rushing into dating and especially bringing this guy along, but i personally think you should allow it. If he really makes your mom happy and she really wants to be w/ him, then let her bring him. I know you have to get to know him over your wedding, and its your wedding, but your mom would GREATLY appreciate this. I know how hard it is but in the end its so worth it. I have an amazing new relationship w/ my mom cause I stepped back and let her be happy w/out HAVING to include me.

            I hope that helps you out a little

            #6 stacey


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              Posted 27 April 2009 - 06:33 PM

              I understand that this must be bothering you. As a bride, we tend to be more immotional than normal. The best advice I have is to just chill out for a bit. You wedding is a year away and who knows what will happen with this guy. Maybe you will end up liking him, or maybe their relationship wont work out. I would try to not make a big deal about it to your mom, and I have a feeling that it will all resolve itself in the end.
              Stacey & Ely 10.14.2008

              #7 Michelle613

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                Posted 27 April 2009 - 07:16 PM

                If your mom is happy, be happy for her. She's obviously been through a lot in life. If this new guy makes her happy and she wants to bring him as her date, then she should be allowed to. Tell her you want to have dinner, the four of you, so you and your FI could get to meet him first.
                Michelle & Arsen
                Dreams Cancun June 10, 2010http://img.weddingco...r/qmwm5sy8q.png

                #8 BillysBride

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                  Posted 27 April 2009 - 09:00 PM

                  Sweetie....not to overstep, but do you realize how many times you said the words "me" and "I"?

                  I'm not going to tell you what you already know. You said it yourself; its not about you. I SOOOO get where you are coming from. My folks were married 32 yrs before divorcing, then my father died in '00 and my mom has gone on to re-marry twice since then. I get feeling as though you are seeing big flashing red lights and stop signs. I get it. But it's not your call, nor your burden.

                  You love her. You want to see her healthy and happy. So wish that for her..be there for her, love her and support her. But let her make her decisions and live her life without the additional burden of having to please YOU. OFCOURSE, it's your wedding, and if thats all it's about, sure..stick to your guns and insist you prefer no one to be there that you aren't completely comfortable with. But I guarantee you...at the end of all this, you will not be looking back on your wedding day marinating on who was sitting next to your mom. Ask yourself if it's worth potentially hurting her or damaging your relationship with her to police her love life. You can't do anything anyway...that's basically my point. It's HER life, she gets to do with it what she chooses. Respect her that much and love her through it. Your WEDDING is about you..not your mom's love life. Don't mix the two. Just don't make this about your wedding if you can help it because it's honestly not. You will be happy and marrying the man you love regardless.

                  http://i17.photobuck....inecollage.jpgThe Fab Four (my quads) Meryn, Kellen, Nico & Layla
                  http://global.thekno...rs/tt265ad.aspxhttp://www.mywedding...nnah/index.html20 STD's w. pre-lim RSVP sent 6/15/09: 7 "Yes" so far/10 guests total!

                  #9 CaboBride2010

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                    Posted 27 April 2009 - 09:27 PM

                    I totally agree with Savannah! Not to be rude either, but I have been in the situation where I lost my mom in 2001 and my dad has been through two relatiosnhips since then and his current relationship he is now married. As much as it hurt at first for him to be in a relationship with someone, I had to stop and realise that he is happy with that person and besides being my Dad he is just as much a human as you or I.

                    Your mom has been through so much in her life (and of course you have too, I am not saying you havent) but she deserves all the happiness in the world and I dont think this is a relationship you want to ruin over who she is dating. Until you meet her boyfriend don't already make an idea in your head of what you think of him or else if you think you wont like him, guess what, you wont like him when you meet him. So try have an open mind, and arrange something for you, you fiance, you mom and her boyfriend to do together so you can get to know him.

                    Also as a previous poster wrote, you said to her you think she should bring a friend with her to your wedding, but then when she tells you who she wants to bring you get mad at her, so to be honest if I was you I would call her and apologize for getting upset about it so quickly as you did previously give her the option to bring someone else. I am not trying to judge or be bossy at all in writing this, but I would call your mom and say that you want ot have a good talk about this and fairly and calmly (most important!) tell her your concerns about who she is bringing to your wedding. And lastly, she is talking about taking this man to her daughters wedding (you) so I think she should be cut some slack as I doubt she would bring someone who could cause problems, drama or just who wouldnt have a good time there.

                    So just take a deep breath and realise that your Mom is a grown woman who is allowed to make her own decisions and trust her judgement, as it doesnt seem by what you have written that she has a history of terrible relationships and bad decisions.

                    #10 BillysBride

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                      Posted 27 April 2009 - 09:56 PM

                      Oh, and at the end of the day, you've got another 8 months before any of this even comes to pass. You could be working yourself up over nothing. He MAY be gone in two weeks, but...maybe he won't. He may turn out to be Prince freakin Charming for all you know. OR, he may be history long before. Don't borrow trouble. Wait the year out and see what it brings.

                      AND, the biggest thing....you refusing to allow this man at your wedding will not keep her from dating him. Think about that. As my grandmother would say, you'll be "showing your ass" for no good reason in the end. All the upheaval, and she'll still be dating the guy or worse yet, she'll cave and give him up so as not to upset her kids. How would you feel then? Chances are, that would be worse in the long run.

                      Yea, it's my wedding and I'd like it to be 100% the way I want as the bride. But sometimes, I think we take this bride shit a little too seriously. There is NOTHING to me worth hurting my mother deeply. Irritating her? Sure. Pissin' her off a bit? She'll get over it. But truly hurt her feelings? No. Not even my precious nuptials. I wouldn't recommend your telling her this guy won't be welcome. That just sounds a little juvenile to me, like threatening to throw a tantrum or something. Just my opinion.

                      http://i17.photobuck....inecollage.jpgThe Fab Four (my quads) Meryn, Kellen, Nico & Layla
                      http://global.thekno...rs/tt265ad.aspxhttp://www.mywedding...nnah/index.html20 STD's w. pre-lim RSVP sent 6/15/09: 7 "Yes" so far/10 guests total!

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