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Am I being Selfish???

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#1 ~*~Margie~*~

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    Posted 22 April 2009 - 12:19 PM

    Okay, a little backstory first. Deciding to have a DW was not an easy thing for me; FI wanted it and I didn't. Part of the reason he wanted it is because he is not getting along with his brother and did not want to feel obligated to ask him to be best man. However, before the decision was made, I asked my two closest friends to be MOH and BM. Once I saw how much FI did not want his brother at the wedding and talked to my friends to ensure they would come, I agreed to a DW. Well, a month later when we sent out STD's my MOH started saying she MIGHT not be able to go but that she would do everything she could to be there. And then, FBIL, the one we didn't want or expect to come actually booked a trip with his fiance (whom we also dislike strongly). So, with my MOH on the fence and him still not wanting to ask his brother, we decided not to have a wedding party and eventually MOH said she wasn't going. I was really really hurt but was understanding because it was for financial reasons and being in dire financial straights myself I wouldn't want anyone to go into debt for me. Fast forward 6 months and she finds out that trip costs have dropped and claims to have some "extra money" and gets my hopes up again that she may go to the point that I am buying extra OOT stuff, only to have my hopes dashed again. Well, 2 weeks ago I sent out my invites for the AHR as well as last minute travel information. My address book wasn't completely up to date so I had MOH street name but no house number so I guessed. Two weeks go by and no contact from her at all, no "Oh I got the invite" or anything. So yesterday, I texted her to make sure it got to her cause of the address thing and a little while later she called me. She talked to me for like 10 minutes and didn't even bring up the invite until I finally said something. She said she got it but she has been putting off calling me because she CAN'T COME!!!!! I was fighting tears on the phone because I didn't want her to know how hurt I was. The date of my AHR is the day camp starts for a program she volunteered to be a counselor for. Now, this camp is not her "thing", she does it because it is something that her boyfriend did and got her involved in it last year. This girl is 7 years younger than me, we became friends when she was 19. She got together with him 2 years ago and it was her first serious relationship and she became one of those people who ALWAYS has to be with her boyfriend and everything she did had to include him. I tried to be understanding at first because, been there done that, and I thought it would be a phase early in the relationship like it had been for me at that age. Well two years later it is still the same and it has seriously changed our friendship. And now this. I want to be the understanding friend but it hurts, I asked this girl to be my MOH and even though we ended up with no wedding party I thought she'd be there for me along the way and she has not. She doesn't even ask about the wedding. Am I wrong or crazy? If this were me, I'd still volunteer my time at camp but ask if I could arrive at camp a day late. FI thinks I should let go of the friendship but that is easier said than done, I don't have many friends, so letting go of one is not something I want to do.

    #2 niujess

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      Posted 22 April 2009 - 12:31 PM

      I don't think you're selfish. I too would be disappointed if my best friend decided to back out of coming to my wedding and especially if she was waiting to tell you until you confronted her about it. I'm sure things are tight financially, but this is your one big day and I'm sure that the camp could have made an exception for her to miss a day to go to your wedding, it just seems like an excuse

      #3 Kristy!


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        Posted 22 April 2009 - 12:31 PM

        I had a friend like this. Always had to be around her boyfriends, basically turned into them. I'm not close with her anymore. Why put all that effort into a friendship if she's not going to reciprocate?

        #4 YoursTruly

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          Posted 22 April 2009 - 01:46 PM

          I recommend that you not get up in arms about this. People close to you ARE going to disappoint you, and when you need them the most. The important thing is the most critical folk (you and FI) will be there so try not to stress about it.

          #5 KLC77

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            Posted 22 April 2009 - 01:53 PM

            I'm probably going to go against the general concensus, but if it were me and it was my first day of a new camp session I wouldn't feel comfortable asking to not come that day. The first day is the most important one. She was probably upset herself that they fall on the same day and knew you'd be upset she couldn't come to the AHR. So, she avoided the subject trying to avoid upsetting you or atleast put it off. Not that its right, I just don't think she handled it well.

            As for ending the friendship, unless other things are going on or she did something to you I wouldn't end it if you still value her. Sometimes friendships change and aren't what they used to be, but that doesn't mean you aren't friends any more. And it doesn't mean that you aren't important to her. It just means its different.

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            #6 bride7474

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              Posted 22 April 2009 - 02:45 PM

              I don't think you are being selfish at all! It's too bad she didn't have the decency to let you know that she would not be able to go to your wedding before you purchased all of the extra stuff (oot, etc).

              #7 Soon2beWed09

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                Posted 27 April 2009 - 09:36 AM

                No ur not selfish..but she couldn't come to the wedding or the AHR? If thats so she is not ur true friend because I would true to come to atleast one of them...Girl don't sweat it have ur wedding once u get there everyone back home will be a blurr until u get back...

                #8 dolphin

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                  Posted 27 April 2009 - 11:41 AM

                  I am having the same problem with my best friend. When I initally started booking the wedding, she said no matter what I will be there. Now that I am having it on January she is backstepping. Apparantly that is tax season and her husband is an accountant and cant go. Now she is talking about getting pregnant at that time. I am also not having a bridal party, because I dont even want to deal with it. The advise I give myself everyday is go with the flow. I am having a destination wedding because I wanted a stress free wedding. So it is what it is....whoever comes you will have a great time,....

                  #9 inunez

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                    Posted 27 April 2009 - 12:11 PM

                    you're not being selfish. i had sort of a similar issue with one of my best friends. before my FI and i decided on a DW we asked all of our loved ones if they would come. she was 1 of the people who encourgaed me to go along with it. now she can't go. i was upset at first, but she's having financial issues and i told her that if things don't get better for her, not to worry. i wasn't going to get mad. and i'm not. i'm fine with it becasue she is actually still acting like a bridesmaid. she partcipates in everything and always asks me for herlp. she's just not available to be at the ceremony. to me, she will always be a bridesmaid in my wedding - becasue she was always there. on the other hand, if she wasn't giving me any support, i would have absolutely been upset and probably questioned our friendship! it's the one of the most important days of my life - she should be there!

                    #10 leogurl

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                      Posted 30 April 2009 - 10:34 AM

                      Sorry to hear that your friend won't be there for your wedding or reception. It's so disappointing when our loved ones can't make it. I know that I too would be questioning my friendship if my MOH chose volunteering at a camp over my reception after not being able to attend the wedding. Although,I wouldn't put her in that situation to have to choose, because I would have checked with her before confirming a date. Sorry, but I do think it's a little selfish to expect people to attend your AHR unless you told them about the possible date ahead of time and they agreed to that date. I think you're right to be upset with her for not being straightforward with you though. I also think, if you really consider her to be a good friend, than it's understandable to be frustrated that she lives her life around her boyfriend. But some girls are just like that, and you have to decide how she fits in with your ideas about how a close friend should be. And if she doesn't match up, it's okay. I truly believe people are meant to be in our lives for a certain purpose and a certain time, and sometimes they just fade away. It doesn't mean that the time you had shouldn't be cherished, it just means that people change. So I don't think you have to end the friendship, but maybe you need to start looking at that friendship in a different way? I don't know though, those are just my thoughts, and I hope it works out in a way in which you feel okay.

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