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Uninvited Guests


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#1 DGG

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    Posted 11 March 2009 - 12:53 AM

    I sort of just need to vent - and could use some advice too :)
    We were inviting about 50 ppl to our wedding - then when we were sending invites, my FI's grandmother and aunt (his mom passed away and his dad is clueless with this stuff, so we had to rely on them somewhat) insisted that we invite some of his great-aunts and uncles, etc - or they would be really hurt and they said these ppl would Definitely not come. It ended up being 15 people - we probably should have said no then, but we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and figured they wouldn't come anyway..

    Anyway, it turns out 5 of them have booked already - which I guess is fine, b/c we did invite them so I can't complain really. BUT what I am so irritated about - we very clearly labeled invites by name for these adults only - one couple already decided they would bring their 3 kids and booked their trips - they supposedly told his aunt they were annoyed the kids names weren't on the invite and she said to talk to us before booking - and then guess what, they just booked anyway.. AND we only found this out through the hotel - my FI had his aunt call and tell them kids weren't allowed at the wedding and she said they already booked so they were already coming. She said she told them the hotel won't allow them at the reception b/c of alcohol and so she said fine, they'll stay in the room during the reception.

    So I made FI call everyone today because we realized apparently this side of the family thinks they can invite everyone and if you count up their children, it's going to double our wedding. Two other couples said they might bring their 4 children (each!) but he told them we can't have kids, so they aren't coming now.. So, where they about to book 8 more uninvited kids without telling us??
    What is wrong with people If your name is not on the invite - and we are clearly not close with them - why do they just think they can add whoever they want? We haven't invited some other people we would like b/c we are trying to keep it smaller and then now we'll have extended family's kids that we don't even know... They at least could have asked...So frustrating!!!!

    So - here's the part I'm not sure about - so now they think the kids are not allowed at the wedding even though they'll be at the resort. Is that horrible if we really stick to that?
    We actually are not having any other children coming (except our 2yo ring-bearer) so we didn't really want any kids anyway.. especially ones that neither of us know.. I think it's a little rude back to them, but then again they knew we didn't want them there and booked anyway - so maybe we shouldn't care either
    Part of the issue, we are paying almost $300 per guest for our wedding and other events - we are paying for it all ourselves and we just can't afford it.. But our resort is very small so it is sort of awkward having them there and not including them..
    AAAHHHH!!! Why are weddings so frustrating

    #2 trance_angelx0x

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      Posted 11 March 2009 - 09:29 AM

      I agree that it is very rude of these people to invite themselves and their children to your wedding.

      If you don't want kids at your wedding, stick to your guns. It's YOUR wedding. You won't regret having little snot heads yelling and screaming while you are trying to say your vows (not saying all kids are snot heads).

      Since it's costing you a "per person" fee, I would definetly advise your family not to invite anyone else, and if they do, then they (the family member who invited these people), should pay the fee!

      #3 Kristy!

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        Posted 11 March 2009 - 09:43 AM

        I told my guests that I can't control when and where someone goes on vacation, but if they chose to bring someone who is not invited, then cannot be a part of the wedding festivities. End of story. I say stick to your guns, otherwise the other ones who didn't get to bring their kids will be annoyed and you don't want that drama at your wedding.

        #4 Amarillis

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          Posted 11 March 2009 - 10:09 AM

          Yeesh... this is a pickle...

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by DGG
          we very clearly labeled invites by name for these adults only - one couple already decided they would bring their 3 kids and booked their trips
          Ok, so the way I read this you labelled the invites for Adults Only - but chose a child friendly resort... I think this was your #1 mistake. If you did not want children at all at the wedding you should have chosen an adults only resort.

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by DGG
          ... FI had his aunt call and tell them kids weren't allowed at the wedding and she said they already booked so they were already coming. She said she told them the hotel won't allow them at the reception b/c of alcohol and so she said fine, they'll stay in the room during the reception....
          This is really where the
          We actually are not having any other children coming (except our 2yo ring-bearer)
          I really think that if your guests that have hired babysitters attend your wedding and reception and see that there is a 2 year old present, they will be jaded on the basis that their children were not included.

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by DGG
          Two other couples said they might bring their 4 children (each!) but he told them we can't have kids, so they aren't coming now..
          This is where the situation is sad, your FI's family is not coming based on the no-children rule, and they would have joined you for your big day. I really think you ought to reconsider your decision. In my opinion weddings are about family and sharing your big day with the ones you love.


          Quote:
          Originally Posted by DGG
          why do they just think they can add whoever they want
          So - here's the part I'm not sure about - so now they think the kids are not allowed at the wedding even though they'll be at the resort. Is that horrible if we really stick to that? We actually are not having any other children coming (except our 2yo ring-bearer) so we didn't really want any kids anyway.. especially ones that neither of us know..
          In a nutshell, you will be wearing mud on your face if you have other children included. In my opinion it is an all or nothing thing.

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by DGG
          we are paying almost $300 per guest for our wedding and other events - we are paying for it all ourselves and we just can't afford it.. But our resort is very small so it is sort of awkward having them there and not including them..
          I think at the end of the day, with some creativity there will be ways to reduce the $300/per guest tab
          1. ask the resort if they will offer a reduced or free kids dinner
          2. re-evaluate 'other wedding events' - if you were planning a group excursion, pay only for your immeadiate family and leave extended family to cover thier own costs

          At the end of the day (in my opinion) a big DW is a great celebration, we had 84 guests join us and it was the greatest day/week of my life - the 12 children under the age of 12 that we had join us had the time of their lives and we were thrilled to watch them experience the resort and the trip.

          There are ways around it... just be cautious that you aren't left with MUD on your face!

          Good Luck.

          #5 mich999

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            Posted 11 March 2009 - 11:11 AM

            I don't think it's complicated. The kids were not invited and should not be included now because they ignored the invite, especially when everyone else is sticking to it and you've made a big deal of calling others up to warn them. Imagine if those who decided not to book because of the no kids rule heard that those kids were allowed to go!

            We're not having kids at our wedding except for the ring bearer and flower girl - that doesn't mean that others who have kids would be mad they couldn't bring theirs - the 2 kids are in the bridal party!! I had some guests who were considering bringing their kids so they could make a family vacation out of it, which I thought was great, but they knew their kids weren't invited to the wedding/reception and were fine with that. I don't think you have to book an adults only resort if you don't want kids to attend - people don't include kids all the time no matter where the wedding is. It's a personal choice and it's up to you how you want to handle it.

            #6 deefalvey

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              Posted 11 March 2009 - 12:34 PM

              I agree with mich...My fiance's kids are in the wedding, however, we made it clear that kids were not invited to the "wedding", but people were more than welcome to bring their kids down to the resort and make a family vacation out of it. We offered up information on the kids club (complimentary) as an option for people to send their kids during the ceremony and dinner portion of the ceremony and then said that the kids were welcome to join us after dinner was over - and we did't have to pay to have them there. People were understood and seemed very receptive to this.

              DGG - you need to stick to you guns, if you don't want kids at your wedding (other than your ring bearer) then dont have them. Some of your family may not have the opportunity to travel to your destination for a vacation too often so maybe thats why they want to bring all of the kids - at least thats my situation. If its not in your budget to have the extra people, maybe you (or FI) can let them know that its because you cant afford it, not because you don't want them there. I have found people can be pretty understanding when it comes to $$ issues when you are putting on a wedding - especially in today's economy.

              Good luck - let us know!
              Bill and DeannaJuly 24, 2009

              #7 Jen_S

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                Posted 11 March 2009 - 12:51 PM

                I think you do not want kids at your wedding that you stick to you guns, however we just had our wedding and we had several kids and let me tell you they were a ball to have their the things they say and do just made for an amazing time. Good Luck!
                Our Honeymoon In Ireland!!

                #8 **~Jenn~**

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                  Posted 11 March 2009 - 01:20 PM

                  I'm in a similar situation as far as paying per head and family members inviting whoever they want.
                  My Cousin's girlfriend is now bringing her mom and little brother...I haven't even met HER yet!!
                  So I feel your pain.
                  As far as kids go...While I did invite kids to my Wedding, that is my Choice and if it's your choice to not have them there, tell the people that booked with the univited children that they will have to make arrangements for them, because with the exception of your bridal party, the Wedding is ADULTS only.
                  It's really a matter of what you picture your day to be..Some people think that kids there will make it more fun..Other people think that they will not...This day is all about you...And if money is an issue..simply tell them the deal.
                  There was a reason for your invites and it was really rude of them to book without even asking you first!!

                  Good Luck!!
                  Married @ Dreams Cancun 06/24/09
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                  #9 Ayita

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                    Posted 11 March 2009 - 02:03 PM

                    I was invited once to a wedding with no kids, and nobody brought their kids, even though it was not a resort but a private venue. This is just inconsiderate.

                    However, given that this is a DW and a vacation for most of the guests, I think it's fair that your guests bring along their kids with them to the vacation. They should just be politely, but firmly reminded that kids are not welcome to the wedding ceremony and reception, and that they should make their own arrangements for that day (i.e. find a baby sitter). You can eventually help with that - and most probably the resort will be able to help too. If they are several in this situation, they should even be able to share the cost of the baby sitters (I would say 1 per 4 kids... depending on their age you can adjust).

                    Good luck...

                    On my side, most of my single guests on FI's side are bringing along a friend to share with them ! And what can I say ? Nothing... His 20-year-old nice brings her 20-year-old roommate... they are going on vacation... his best woman brings one of her friends... well she could have come with her boyfriend but no... at first she was talking of bringing her mother !!! WTF... Another groomsman "might" come with his girlfriend (that I don't even know !!)... but if I say something I sound... I don't know. Cheap ? Unkind ? FI implies that if they cannot bring somebody they will not come... or that they could bring this somebody, and this somebody will not come to the wedding... nice, now, how do I look like ? A guest in a room by him or herself while we all celebrate ?

                    At least the "no-kids" on the invites can be reiterated... and be fair to everybody.

                    #10 DGG

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                      Posted 12 March 2009 - 12:10 AM

                      Thank you all for all the good advice and support :)

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by Amarillis
                      This is where the situation is sad, your FI's family is not coming based on the no-children rule, and they would have joined you for your big day. I really think you ought to reconsider your decision. In my opinion weddings are about family and sharing your big day with the ones you love.

                      [*]re-evaluate 'other wedding events' - if you were planning a group excursion, pay only for your immeadiate family and leave extended family to cover thier own costs
                      Here's the thing though - neither of us really care if these people are there. We only invited them to make his grandmother happy and she said even they won't come but we should send an invite so feelings aren't hurt. These are his grandmother's siblings children in their 30s-40s (I think that makes them great aunts/uncles ? )- my FI doesn't know them that well and we've been dating for over 9 years and I have NEVER met them, so they are obviously not close at all.
                      Don't get me wrong, I love children and would be very happy to have children we care about there, but it sort of worked out no one we are close to has small children except 2 with babies and they both decided on their own to leave them home with their parents.
                      Our problem was inviting these people in the 1st place - but it drives me crazy to have children I have never met and my FI could care less about (and can't remember if he has even met all of them) there. And I don't want to re-arrange my wedding events and cut other things to include children neither of us know.
                      We just got their reply card today and we had written in their names on the reply card already and they added "and Fam" and then just wrote in "5" on the bottom - so they clearly expected to just add on uninvited kids even though they were told to ask us first. They are welcome to bring whoever on their trip, but I don't get how people just add on 3 people to a reply card

                      Thank you all so much for listening (reading I guess) - sorry if I'm rambling, I am just so frustrated ..




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