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Boundaries Needed OR Am I unreasonable?? **LONG - NEED TO VENT***


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#1 YoursTruly

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    Posted 18 February 2009 - 05:23 PM

    So our son was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks (he has Sickle Cell anemia and developed a respiratory infection). So it was very challenging living in the hospital, maintaining work schedule, follow-up, etc. Our son was released on Saturday and we were just so glad to be home and finally try to establish a sense of normalcy. Now I don't doubt FI's mom and sister's love for their grandchild and nephew, however, visits in general from them when he is sick are far and few between which I admit rankles my nerves to no end. They are avid churchgoers and I fully respect that, however, if it was a church event, I am sure they would find the time and the means to ensure the event is not missed.

    Fast forward to Saturday, FI tells me at like 11:30 pm that SIL decided to pay us a visit the next day which was Sunday. I responded by saying that (1) I was very tired and (2) would not be able or inclined to entertain anyone as I had a million errands to run for the wedding and in general. He looked at me weirdly, but at that point I was too tired to even question the look. The following day, the mother, sister, uncle and nephew shows up EARLY, we are talking 10 am. I decided to stay for a while to chat and decided in an hour's time I would head out. At some point, the MIL to be says to FI's sister, Did you ask about the stuff in your car?? I look pointedly at the MIL and the sister and ask for an explanation.

    The SIL then says casually, "Oh I brought my laundry down and want to know if its okay to wash my clothes". WTF??!!! At this point I am thinking--you really came to visit our "washing machine". Mind you, she could have given me or FI the courtesy and asked PRIOR if this was okay, but to be so class-less, tacky and presumptuous to bring your 3 army bags of clothes to wash and put me on the spot was totally out of line. Shouldn't the question have been, "Can I help you guys out and do YOUR laundry?!!!! For once I was stunned speechless and since I had no choice, said it was okay for her to wash her mounds of clothes. HERE IS THE KICKER--something prompted me to go a step further so I asked, "Do you at least have soap?" SIL looked at me quizzically and said " No I don't". Again, WTF??!!!! FI was so so embarrassed, as he is very different from them in their thinking.

    At this point I was too through..COME ON FOLKS!!! In the end, I offered to show her where the nearest grocery store was so she could purchase her own soap and softener. My struggle and question is--When do you establish boundaries with in-laws? Yes you merge families, but I have a tough time as it is holding it in /speaking my mind as I am very straightforward. But instances like these where I chose to pick my own battles and not mention how I felt to them or FI if certainly if ever repeated would send me over the edge. ADVICE please.

    #2 Hartyt509

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      Posted 18 February 2009 - 05:40 PM

      Yes you do need to set boundaries but really I think its up to FI especially with the washing carry on.

      You are so nicer than me because I would have thrown them out and said find a laundrette you cheeky cows oh and btw yes your grandchild/nephew is feeling much better thanks!!

      People are so vile at times and I find mostly its my inlaws lol

      They don't contact me and as far as I know only his mother has my telephone number and that is the way I like it.

      Visits are fine anything else tell them to poke off!!

      I'm so mad for you lol people never fail to amaze me!

      #3 ~Nicole~

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        Posted 18 February 2009 - 06:30 PM

        Let me assure you.... you are definitely not being unreasonable!!! I think I can justifiably comment on this as my FIL's are monsters. Complete and utter monsters. Thankfully, we don't speak to most of them anymore, but the only reason I kept my sanity was because of my FI. He was the one that stood up them and put them in their place. He always supported me and my feelings which I think is really important. I think you really need to let FI know how you feel, and if he is not willing to deal with it, I definitely would! The longer you leave it, the worse it gets.

        Good luck!
        *Formerly Nikki07*
        My Planning Thread

        #4 ACDCDCAC

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        Posted 18 February 2009 - 06:33 PM

        omg if i were your soon to be in laws, i would have been way too embarrassed to ask that. i think its just plain rude. how dare they!

        like you said, maybe if she had presented it differently, like any chance i could help you with your laundry and mix mine in too?

        #5 jen_trev

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          Posted 19 February 2009 - 01:06 PM

          In that situation I can see being upset, I agree she could have handled it better and asked you in the first place.

          I do my laundry at my FMIL's every other weekend but she encourages it.

          #6 Betsy

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            Posted 19 February 2009 - 01:44 PM

            What?? That is SO rude! Especially since there you are, tired and worried with 1 million things on your mind and then she asks to do her laundry?? WTF?? People are so inconsiderate! You had every right to say HELL NO!! I hope your little guy is doing better, and seriously WTF about the inlaws.

            #7 sunsetbride1

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              Posted 19 February 2009 - 02:56 PM

              Okay, that is not acceptable under any circumstances!
              WTF were they thinking? I am so so mad for you!!!!

              You ABSOLUTELY need boundaries set and I agree with Harty that FI needs to talk to his family about this.

              #8 Yari

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                Posted 19 February 2009 - 03:27 PM

                I would have been fuming, it is so ridiculous!

                I would have never thought about asking them if they had their own soap, etc. That was so awesome!

                #9 tylersgirl

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                  Posted 19 February 2009 - 04:22 PM

                  Oh my gosh! You poor thing! First of all I want to wish your son a speedy recovery. I am so sorry to hear he was in the hospital. I will be thinking about him =) Second of all, what in the hell was the FSIL thinking OMG! I hate to be put on the spot, so I know how you feel. I feel like it is up to FI to establish boundaries with his side of the family. Good luck girlie!

                  #10 YoursTruly

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                    Posted 19 February 2009 - 05:01 PM

                    Thanks Desiree :).

                    And to the girls I can always count on you guys for the emotional lift and good advice. smooches!




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