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#11 JoLo908

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    Posted 09 September 2008 - 10:05 AM

    This is a rough situation... but one that seems to be affecting you a lot. Just understand, as someone stated before, it is not you. You are also not in the wrong whatsoever for wanting and craving that physical bond. Although you have had talks, tell him that it has really been bothering you, and don't be afraid to tell him the reasons. As someone else said before too, it is better to deal with this now than 20 years from now.
    Honesty and open communication is key, and he needs to be more open about his reasons for not wanting to be physical, not just turn you away. Don't worry though, just focus on communicating well to figure out what is going on.

    #12 yamille

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      Posted 09 September 2008 - 10:20 AM

      This is a tough yet very common issue between couples. First off- good for you for reaching out. I can only imagine that you have been beating yourself up over not feeling attractive as you said. I may be restating what others have offerred but here are some questions and thoughts that jump out at me.

      -definately communicate how you are feeling to him because he may be in the dark about how much it is bothering you. Let him know that sex is important to you in a relationship.
      - are you willing to seek counseling together? does he feel that his internet porn stuff is taking up too much time and replacing your intimate time?
      - how are you feeling about yourself? I only ask because it's so easy for women to blame themselves. Focus on you and doing what you need to feel good.
      -did you fall into a "routine"? Maybe exploring other options such as toys,viewing porn together might break it- if you are comfortable with that.

      - I think the main thing is to speak to him really. In the meantime

      #13 *Casey*

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        Posted 09 September 2008 - 10:36 AM

        I'm so sorry you are having a tough time with this right now. My heart truly goes out to you!

        I think that men need to feel safe in communicating with women. Maybe before you get into the "talk" let him know that he won't be judged or blamed. Just that you need to communicate with him about what is going on. Hopefully by preparing him, he will feel safe and more open to share his true feelings.

        Have you ever tried to get a little "kinky", and pretend you are one of those internet girls for him? Maybe a nice surprise for when he gets home from work? I know it's a fantasy and is not a permanent solution, but maybe it would get the ball rolling.

        #14 tchuchuca

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          Posted 09 September 2008 - 11:57 AM

          Ladies, you're wonderful! I think I'm going to try to make a date for sex each week (you know, like old people do! "Honey, it's Thursday..."). Maybe that will remind him how good we are together and how it's not a big deal for us to get busy once in a while! Heck after a while, we might not need to schedule it! What do you girls think?

          #15 ACDCDCAC

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          Posted 09 September 2008 - 12:03 PM

          i think thats a good idea to jump start the "program". try to shake things up a bit by trying different things and asking him to show/tell you what he wants to do/be done to him.

          good luck! and HAVE FUN!!!!

          #16 luckygirl

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            Posted 09 September 2008 - 12:18 PM

            I for one am not offened by your question. You need someone to turn to or you are going to be miserable. I feel bad that you have to go through this and hope you can work it out because unless the issue is addressed it will just keep getting worse. I agree with many points the ladies have posted but would like to add a few of mine since my friends, family and I have had some conversations like this in the past.

            -My FI has said that a man has to feel comfortable and if something is bothering him then it is hard for him to perform. The internet girls could be a release for him since perhaps he has not addressed what is making him uncomfortable and also because he needs a release due to the frequency of relations. Definitely try to get to the bottom of what is going on in his mind and try not to feel like it is you or how attractive you are.

            -You could schedule the sex session, but it could put even more pressure on the situation because it has now become a major issue. Perhaps talk first and then schedule?? I think you should definitely jump start it but understand that he may not be able to "rise" to the situation because he is not comfortable. Keep trying even if you find that he cannot carry through with it and perhaps it will ease him into being more comfortable.

            -I like the just doing it everyday idea. I think it does help to know there is no option.

            -We do it every single day and I can tell you it's exhausting and he has the understanding that I will just lay there some of the time because I am not a rabbit as well. But we both came to this conclusion that we would always have sex because we had been in situations where we hardly ever had sex with our exes and found once you get into the routine of not having it that it is really hard to get back into the routine of having sex. But neither one of us loved our exes so our situation was not going to work out anyway. You love your honey and you can make it work!

            #17 kate.com


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              Posted 09 September 2008 - 03:41 PM

              good idea! Sometimes you might just go in with the "lets get it over with" attitude and come out actually having a good time!
              Oh and um, adult beverages might help loosen you both up! I am not a big drinker, but sometimes half a glass of wine does the trick.

              PS... You are beautiful, that's not the problem so check it off the list!

              #18 Hartyt509

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                Posted 09 September 2008 - 04:03 PM

                It happens with us a lot. A lot of that is because he is in the army so not home a lot but when he is home either he can't be bothered or its crap lol

                I've got to the stage now where i'm not bothered which is really unusual for me lol I told him if he didn't put out i'd find it somewhere that worked for a while siimply because he knows i would lol That isn't the answer but it doesn't have give you a boost when you need it lol

                I think you just need to talk to him and lay it on the line so to speak. It will work outx

                #19 Jennifer Davis

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                  Posted 09 September 2008 - 07:44 PM

                  I am very sorry for your frustrations. My girlfriend is going through the same issue with her husband now. They haven't had sex in over a year!

                  I don't think that what you posted was inappropriate or TMI but this may be....

                  Have you tried watching porn together? Most men really like porn and your FI must also if he is looking at it on the internet. Maybe you guys can enjoy it together and use it as a tool to spice up your sex life together? Together being the key word.

                  I totally understand getting in a "no sex rut" and it is super hard to break out of it once you get into one. Think of the porn like a fun, exciting new exercise class. It may be just what you guys need to jump start his new sexercise program!

                  The key word here, as many girls have already posted is that you work on this together. It is important for you both to be happy both with the mental and physical aspects of your relationship.

                  #20 Erica053009

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                    Posted 09 September 2008 - 08:02 PM

                    I am sure this is something we have all been through at one point in any relationship. Does he have a high stress job? I know my problem is more me not wanted to do the deed...I work hard, take care of the house, and have a long commute so the last thing on my mind is sex.. So we started making a "date night " which really didn't work because it was too much pressure for everything to be perfect. Honestly this week was the first time in a long time we both connected and it all started from a simple kiss good night. My point is maybe let the issue go (if you talk about it a lot) it could be putting extra strain and make the task almost a job or chore. Or maybe you should try the date night. Have you tried watching internet videos together if that turns him in? And if that doesn't work you should seek sex theropy together but def get this nipped in the bud before marriage. It will not change after the vowes. And if you want kids...Good luck

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