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Personal Problem

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#1 tchuchuca

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    Posted 08 September 2008 - 10:57 PM

    Okay Ladies, I might be crossing a line here, but I really don't know where else to turn...

    Mods, feel free to delete this thread if I'm breaking a rule of any kind!

    FI and I have had a problem getting "physical" for a while now. It's bothered me for so long, but I'm actually questioning my future with him because of it. It's not that he can't physically do it, just that he never really wants it from me. He looks at girls on the internet and I know he takes care of himself, but it's always about 2 months or so before we do it together... It's been like this for years- but not always. We even made our New Year's Resolution to get physical more often! It's now September and I think we've done it like 4 times.

    I don't want to sound bitchy, I truly love him SO much. He is a wonderful man and is everywhere else completely perfect, but I want to work on this! I've tried initiating but the few times I've tried, I get shut down so I don't want to initiate every time! It's a total ego blow when he says no!

    Girls, a physical relationship is kind of important! I know no relationship is perfect and this is our only true problem. What to do?!?!?

    PS I tried to make this as appropriate as possible! I'm so sorry if I've offended anyone!

    #2 Michelle

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      Posted 08 September 2008 - 11:25 PM

      aww sweetie I am not sure what to tell you but I am sure that the two of you will always be great together so dont worry about that :) but have you tried to sit down and have a talk with him about how much this is bothering you?? does he have an idea of what you feel??

      #3 jmiranda

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        Posted 08 September 2008 - 11:28 PM

        I think that you and your FI need to talk about why this is happening. There must be a reason behind it. Has it always been this way or what happen that stop the "physical" relationship

        #4 tchuchuca

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          Posted 08 September 2008 - 11:29 PM

          Thanks for the reply and positive outlook, Shelly! We have talked about it and we both know it's a problem. Unfortunately, through all the talks and tears, we still can't get it together!

          The only reason why I say it's questioning my future with him is because (I'm sure like a lot of women would in my situation), I feel like he might not be attracted to me anymore!

          #5 Michelle

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            Posted 08 September 2008 - 11:39 PM

            sorry if this thread is offending other girls but sweetie dont worry this doesnt offend me and shouldnt bug anyone and im sure alot of couples have gone through this its just so hard to talk about sometimes so dont worry youve been so strong to even bring it up :) im sure just tell him and be honest that your fear is exactly what you just wrote to me and i am so sure that he will tell you that is something you never have to worry about :) ill PM you about this..there are other things i wanna explain but not on here lol

            #6 KarmaB

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              Posted 09 September 2008 - 12:00 AM

              I don't think this is crossing any lines, so don't worry about that.

              I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I totally agree with you that a physical relationship is very important, unless he is ill or something like that. You said that you two have had many discussions about the problem already, but I think you might need to have another one, because I don't think he is being honest with you. There has to be some underlying issues, maybe he may feel like he is inadequate in bed, maybe sex is too much work for him (hes being lazy), maybe he has issues with the "internet girls". Honestly, there can be a number of reasons, so don't think that it is you. Regardless, it really isn't fair to you to feel this way for wanting to be intimate with your fiance. If he has enough libido to "take care of himself", then he can share some of it with you! Good luck, I hope that you two can get this worked out soon.

              #7 kate.com


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                Posted 09 September 2008 - 12:16 AM

                well, intimacy is a tough one... we are working on our sex life too. (He wants it more than I do... Im not a rabbit!)
                We read this article in People about having sex every day for a month... I just googled it and they have all kinds of info on it. Says it was the best thing for their marriage, etc.

                We started small, every day for 7 days. I have this theory (if you rule all other factors out) it is just mental. Like if you wait to have sex until you are married or in a serious relationship, then everyone around you has done it except you... so much pressure, been there and my sister is there right now.
                You kind of psych yourself out.
                So, if you take the psych out of the situation... you know you are going to have sex NO MATTER WHAT for the next 7 days, it takes some of the pressure off in order to focus on what comes after "so do you wanna do it?" Make sense?
                Best of luck, and don't just let it go! Keep working through it even though its tough!

                #8 Tara

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                  Posted 09 September 2008 - 03:06 AM

                  Hrmmm, that's a tough situation. Also a tough topic for men. After seven years, I have to admit, our sex life is much more dull now than what it used to be, too.

                  However, the question that you both need to ask yourself (even if you both want to keep the answer to yourselves) is whether or not you are content to be intimate infrequently. For many people, this is completely normal. If you are both content and don't have wandering eyes and still find your partner attractive than there is absolutely nothing wrong. This sorts of things can be a deal breaker for people so being honest and getting everything out in the open will not only make it easier to resolve, but it'll make you both feel much much better.

                  P.S. My aunt and her husband of 22 years are going through this now and we were just having this conversation of the weekend. Best to air these things out early rather than wait until 20 years from now.

                  I am sure that you two will figure things out and live happily ever after!

                  #9 Martha

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                    Posted 09 September 2008 - 04:56 AM

                    In all honesty, looking at girls on the internet may be the issue. If he is taking care of business himself, he may not want to have sex with you because he has already uh, pleasured himself. Know what I mean?

                    It's easy for me to say to put a parental block on the computer, but in reality that would probably just piss him off and make things worse. You could always ask him to not look at the girls, but he probably wouldn't do that either. I would say just let him look at the girls then go have sex with you instead of himself, but I don't think that would make you feel good, because YOU should be the one turning him on. Could you look at the pictures together then get busy together? Don't know how I would personally feel about that one, but I am just giving you options....

                    Maybe he doesn't feel like he is "man enough" for you....does he have issues with arousal? Or maybe he doesn't feel like he lasts long enough?

                    Sometimes there are underlying issues and sometimes there isn't. But, you are right, intimacy is important in a marriage...and I think it's better to work on it now then try to work on it after you are married.

                    And don't worry about being too personal here...there have been topics more personal than this before. In fact, sharing here may be good, maybe some of the men could give their thoughts on this?

                    #10 *Lo*

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                      Posted 09 September 2008 - 09:55 AM

                      I have read that men looking at the 'internet girls' is sometimes used as a replacement even though they are still very attracted to their partner, but they just feel like their schedules are not working out or there is a lot going on and it is difficult to coordinate that intimate time.

                      I think what it comes down to though, is that YOU are not happy with the situation. And you have talked to him several times and it has not been resolved. Has there been an effort on his part to resolve it? I would think that he would want you to be happy and would put a greater effort into contributing to your happiness in the physical sense. So maybe it isn't that he doesn't want to, but there is an underlying problem. Have you thought of trying counseling? It is there for these types of situations and I have heard from some friends that it can be very helpful! Especially if you were to go together. They can help you work through the issues and act as a facilitator in the conversation which may help provide some new insight. Especially if you are having doubts in terms of spending the rest of your life with him.

                      It sounds like you are not okay with the current situation and the only reason why I am making the suggestion. I agree with Tara in that for some people, every few months is okay with them and it is their normal. But it HAS to be okay with BOTH of you in order for it to work.

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