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daizyduke

Is it wrong.

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Is it wrong to to tell anyone about the possibility of an AHR until after the majority of people have booked/comitted/decided if they are going to the destination wedding? 

 

I just don't want people to feel like, well if there is going to be something at home, why go somewhere else. 

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I don't think it's wrong to tell people that you may decide to have an AHR after you have certainty around guest bookings for your destination wedding. It's already a bit stressful planning for the wedding...I'm sure you don't need this extra stress of an AHR planning so early in your wedding plans.

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we have mentioned a BBq possibilty when people seem to hem and haw, but not until then - we really want people to consider coming first, then we will see how it goes....

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Thanks ladies,

 

I don't want to be mean.  If it were up to me there would be no AHR.  I don't need more than one wedding, and fell like who ever wants to be there, will be there.  However, my mother wants an ATR, so I am doing it for her.  I just worry that it will be at the expense of the wedding I actually want. 

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I think that you could mention that you might have something casual, but right now you're focusing on planning your DW.  And just say you will let them know when you and your fiance decide.  You don't have to tell people, but if your considering it, it'd be nice to just give them a heads up of a maybe.

 

I wouldn't be having an AHR either, but we'd already made a large deposit on a hall so we thought we might as well use it instead of letting it go to waste.  But ultimately the decision is yours, you have to pay for it so if you don't want to do it, don't.

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I'm actually planning on sending out invites for the AHR months later.

My wedding is November 11, 2011.  For the DW I'm asking for a RSVP for mid-July because the hotel needs a guest list for August.  My AHR is booked for November 26, 2011.  I'm going to send out invites for this in August or September.

 

That way I don't have to worry about people scrapping my actual wedding in favour for the AHR and it's a little less confusing with the invitation wording, etc.

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i dont think its wrong. i kind of did the same thing....although i dont think it  resulted in any more guests for my DW!  i think people are going to come if they want to come and not if they don't!

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There is no right and wrong in this situation.  I personally put the date for the wedding and the AHR on the STD and the invites.  Though I would love to have as many people as possible at the destination wedding, I don't want to mislead anyone into spending money they may not really have. 

 

My fear of holding out on the AHR info would be:  a guest is on the fence as to whether they can afford the DW and decide to come because that would be the only way to support my fiance & I and then be upset (and financially strapped) when they found out later there was an AHR.

 

Also - I have to say that having a smaller group attending our wedding (it looks like 24 or 25 adults + 3 kids + B&G) is keeping the stress way down financially and logistically.  I originally thought I would want 40-50 ppl to make it more of a party, but having the smaller group means I can do more for each guest (like take everyone on a nice excursion).

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I decided to have an AHR only for people who weren't able to attend the wedding or weren't invited. That way, the party had a specific purpose. Those who were invited, committed right away because they wanted to be there. I did it that way, because I wanted to focus on my wedding and doing it a certain way. People who couldn't come, but wanted to, now felt they had an opportunity to celebrate with us. I would present the AHR as an option for those who want to, but can't. To do so, it's about strategic timing. Let people commit to the wedding first, and then talk AHR. Explain that you don't want to leave them out. Be really diplomatic about it. Make it clear that it is not "another wedding". Just a party to look at the pics...real chill.

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