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Been There, Done That

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#1 carolina24

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    Posted 09 February 2010 - 08:12 PM

    Ladies I'm about to rant for a bit, so hang in with me....

    FI had been married before. Clearly it didn't work out, but it took me a LOOONG time to be ok with his past. I never thought I would date let alone marry someone who was married before.

    So his past is his past and it doesn't affect our relationship. but now that we're engaged, I feel like I'm second to his ex and it sucks!!!
    he doesnt make me feel that way, it's the situation. for example, I always wanted to do a framed pic that people could sign at our wedding and that's what he had last time. i wanted to give him a really nice watch for his present and thats what she did. even worse, he invited his parents friends (who live in england) and they arent coming bc they came for the last wedding and its too expensive!

    All those feelings and insecurities that I had at the beginning of our relationship about being "number two" are coming back
    i feel like it's "been there, done that" and our wedding is coming in second to what he did with her.

    I've been engaged before and he says there are things he wishes I hadn't done with the ex and I completely understand, but it's different for guys, you know? I know that he loves me more than anything and all that matters is that WE are together and getting married, but for the little girl inside me that had an idea of what this time in my life would be like, this sucks

    Thanks for listening!!!

    #2 jenne

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      Posted 09 February 2010 - 09:00 PM

      I sort of know how you feel. Neither my fiance or I have ever been married or engaged before, but I have definitely felt jealous over things that happened in his past relationship or upset about things that he did. But I try to remind myself that his past is his past and there is nothing that will change it and it makes him part of who he is today. Obviously when your fiance was getting married to her he didn't know they would end up divorced and be remarrying someone WAY better like you, or else I'm sure he would have made sure they only had a crappy little wedding so that yours would be far superior when the time came! :) Just try to think of something really unique that you can do that will make your day special. Maybe a photo guest book or something?

      #3 sungoddess_08

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        Posted 09 February 2010 - 09:34 PM

        I'm sorry to hear this - but it is totally understandable. I think you just need to focus on the fact that you two are together now -- and also, think about your ex FI and the things that happened or reasons you are no longer together. We all have pasts, but you need to remember that things happen for a reason, and if we knew what would happen in the future we wouldn't live life the way we do. Just try not to take it personally (I know it's hard -- especially about his parents.ouch!!) and tell him how you feel. I'm sure he feels 100% that he wishes all those things were only with you, and not his ex!

        #4 **~Linda~**

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          Posted 09 February 2010 - 10:37 PM

          Aww hun ...I completely understand how you feel but just remember that even though he did some things before he has never experienced them with YOU. Try not to let those things get to you and know that everything YOU do with him is special regardless of what happened in his past because in his present you are his #1 .

          #5 Tropical Imaging

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            Posted 09 February 2010 - 10:42 PM

            okay let's think of some different ideas for you and your FI to make your own.

            in the past few weeks I have seen 2 wedding trees vs a guest book or photo sign in.

            it's a painting of a tree (the branches) and the guests leave a thumbprint leaf in a color with their name next to it, it becomes a framed piece of art work in your home

            One was a wedding here on island we did(you can see a bit of it in the details at the top of the blog post middle photo of the collage)


            The other was a print on a wedding blog I follow for ideas, great inspiration: here it is, scroll down it's about 2/3 down the post

            Green Wedding Shoes - Southern California Wedding Inspiration for the Modern Bride: Real Wedding: Bronwen + Matthew's Intimate Wedding  

            The other thing I have seen is a guest book with your photos in it, but instead of space to sign, there are pages that have "advice to give the bride and groom" What do you love about bride (insert name here) what is your favorite memory/quote/etc for them.

            I bet you can find some really unique personal ideas to make the little girl in you happy and put your signature on it!!!

            Good luck


            #6 bnbrmy

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              Posted 09 February 2010 - 10:44 PM

              I hate you're feeling like that, I'm sure it's rough on you. I wish I had some advice or something, but I hope everything gets better.

              #7 carolina24

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                Posted 09 February 2010 - 11:45 PM

                thank you soooo much ladies!! you really do make me feel better.

                jenne that part about the crapy little wedding was priceless :)

                krys i like that tree idea...very unique!!

                really thank you all for the kind words and hugs, i am so glad i found this site bc its great to be able to confide in all of you :) :)

                #8 Island Bride

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                  Posted 15 February 2010 - 07:25 PM

                  I would suggest you do NOTHING that was done at his first wedding so everything is unique and a fresh start for the both of you! Good Luck Chicky!


                  #9 Destination Scout

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                    Posted 15 February 2010 - 08:00 PM

                    Awww! I'm so sorry you feel this way. If it helps, I think men tend to "care less" about most aspects of planning a wedding. I know that this was something I was frustrated with while I was planning ours - and this was his first wedding.

                    I agree with Island Bride - and try to find unique ideas for each of the wedding pieces, but if you really like something that he did the first time feel free to do it again. Just do it better.

                    I'm really sorry about his parents. That is a real shame and it would really hurt my feelings. Perhaps you can talk to him and he could help communicate with them. Maybe you can help with the expense. I don't know, but that would really make me sad.

                    Good luck!

                    #10 carolina24

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                      Posted 15 February 2010 - 08:26 PM

                      Originally Posted by Island Bride
                      I would suggest you do NOTHING that was done at his first wedding so everything is unique and a fresh start for the both of you! Good Luck Chicky!
                      thats what I think too...i'd rather just to everything for the "first time". thank you!

                      malisa: his parents are coming, it's his parents really close friends who arent, they are like his aunt and uncle but if they don't want to "spend the money again" then screw them, their loss!!

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