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#1 MissM

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    Posted 29 July 2009 - 11:17 AM

    So my FMIL is not contributing to our wedding yet she wants to be included in our decision making and makes it a point to give her two cents about everything we are doing- always in a negative light. She complains about the cost of everything- I feel like screaming at her and asking why she cares what the cost of what we do is since she's not paying for anything!!! Plus she is always comparing what we do to what her precious daughter did when she got married like 12 years ago! Also she has lists and lists of her friends she wants us to invite which I don't think is fair.My FFIL is also not contributing to the wedding, and says he will give us money and not come to our DW wedding because he can't afford it. We told him that's ridiculous and that we want him there. But I like him- he is nice, supportive and doesn't push his opinions on us. My mom wants to pay for things. She thinks parents of the bride and groom should split the cost of the wedding 50/50, which is what she did when my brother and sister got married. Anyways she wants to pay but she doesn't think it's fair that she has to foot most of the bill and pay for all my FMIL friends to come. I don't think it's fair either. My FI and I are trying to pay for most of it as well. My FI's grandparents were going to give him $$$$ but they don't approve of a DW so now they won't, even though we are coming back for an AHR. My FI told his mom she could only invite 6 friends and she was not very happy about that but I don't care. I'm worried that she will be a huge complainer at our wedding and I know I will snap if I hear it from her. We really could have used the extra contributions from my FI's parents. I always thought it was the norm for parents to pay, or at least pay for some. I guess I just don't get how they have no money when they work full time, owe no money on their homes or have any dependents. Are my expectations off base here? I just don't know.
    Any advice on how to deal with this sticky situation?

    #2 mich999

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      Posted 29 July 2009 - 12:39 PM

      While I know that some parents still do pay for their kids' weddings, I don't know that it's the norm. We paid for our entire wedding ourselves, with small contributions from both parents, but we certianly did not expect that. That being said, you have every right to vent about FMIL who is not contributing but wants to invite lots of people and has an opinion on everything. All I can say is you're not alone - this pretty much happens to almost everyone and it sounds like you are doing the right thing - limiting her guest list and venting here! My only other suggestion would be that if she continues to complain to remind her that you are paying for alot of this yourself and that's all you can afford and if she wants to invite more people, she can always pay for them.

      #3 Sapphire723

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        Posted 29 July 2009 - 12:45 PM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by mich999
        My only other suggestion would be that if she continues to complain to remind her that you are paying for alot of this yourself and that's all you can afford and if she wants to invite more people, she can always pay for them.
        What she said. Make it clear that it's not in the budget to invite her friends, and if she wants to invite people (ones you're ok with having attend), she will have to contribute.

        Not all parents pay for weddings, especially nowadays when most girls fend for themselves before getting married instead of being supported by daddy and then by hubby. However, I wouldn't allow FMIL to make wedding decisions if she was being pushy and not contributing.

        #4 amygirl1169

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          Posted 29 July 2009 - 12:51 PM

          I agree with the girls above. I think most couples pay for their own weddings nowadays and if FMIL wants to invite her friends, she can pay for them herself! Just explain that with trying to pay all the costs for the invited guests, extra people just aren't in the budget!!! Hopefully she'll get the hint!
          Good luck to you.

          #5 azulskies

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            Posted 29 July 2009 - 01:20 PM

            I think you're handling the situation as best as you can. Both of our parents are assisting with the costs, but I don't think it's something that's expected anymore. But, on the other hand, since she's not contributing a dime, she has to know that she's not in the place to negatively comment on your decisions. Props to your FI for having a backbone & limiting the amount of guests she could invite. Good luck with everything.

             


            #6 Prettyhazardous

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              Posted 01 August 2009 - 05:04 PM

              IMO whether the parent is contributing or not it's the bride and grooms wedding and the final decisions should always be theirs.
              I'm glad that your FI gave him mom a limit. We had that same issue with my grandmother's friends (I was raised by my grandparents so...). But I didn't really stress it. I just invited her friends and not one of them is going. It was good that they got the invite as a souvenir and bc they won't be going (and kinda feel guilty ab not being able to) I'll prolly get great gifts from them lol (hope I don't sound selfish). I really doubt that many of your fmil's friends are gonna attend. For me DW invites are more so of a momento.. But if you don't want to waste the $$ on invites then don't invite them.
              Also have you guys actually asked the fmil to help contribute to the wedding cost? Bc she may just not think you want her to help.
              What my fi and I did was instead of having my parents contribute to the wedding we asked them to help family member who really wanted to come but needed help. This worked out well....
              Good Luck.

              #7 jennierin

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                Posted 01 August 2009 - 07:11 PM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Prettyhazardous
                What my fi and I did was instead of having my parents contribute to the wedding we asked them to help family member who really wanted to come but needed help. This worked out well....
                Good Luck.
                I think that is a GREAT alternative if your parents want to contribute but don't like the idea of footing most of the "wedding" costs.

                Thank goodness I am not going through what you are. The only opinion I got from my Mother was about my decision to trash my dress! I just laughed and told her that since I paid for it...I could do whatever I wanted with it. She finally understood and agreed...then laughed along with me!

                I think most of us on here have gone through some kind of drama since we announced our plans for a DW to family...you are definitely not alone. We are always here for you!!

                I hope everything works out for you.
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