29 replies to this topic

[Amelie]

Hi ladies!
I know I am maybe gonna sound crazy, but did you girls ever had doubts that your marriage was gonna work out? I am crazy in love with my futur husband but sometimes I wonder if it is enough. We come from very different backgrounds and we disagree a lot when it comes down to money. My FH is what you call a "cheap ass" and that makes me uncomfortable. It may sound stupid but I am concerned because I really believe in our relationship and honestly, it is the only problem that comes back time after time. Let me know what you girls think!!!

[BillysBride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amelie Hi ladies! I know I am maybe gonna sound crazy, but did you girls ever had doubts that your marriage was gonna work out?

Daily. lol

I think it's normal to worry and wonder. I worry more about the people who go into marriage believing nothing will ever truly test their relationship than I do about those who have the good sense to wonder if the love they feel will be enough.

I've been with this man for YEARS now, am raising children with him and sharing more responsibility than most couples starting out in marriage. And I still worry and wonder. As far as I'm concerned it's completely natural. You never know what life is going to throw at you, but if you go into this with your heart and your eyes open, willing and ready to do all you can to make it work then you've got the right tools.

It sounds COMPLETELY unromantic and jaded, but I believe in the advice my mother and grandmother have always given me regarding relationships. "The only loss you can never truly recover from is (God forbid) one of your children." That's not to say go into a marriage thinking its ok if it doesn't work. I'm simply saying, go into it knowing that you're committed, with your whole heart and you will be alright come what may.

And while it's healthy to worry a bit, don't let it overtake you. Don't focus so much on the worry that you miss out on enjoying what IS right now. You're in love and planning to spend your life with the guy....enjoy this time. There's nothing else like it.

[shellk]

amelie,
i do not have second thoughts at all but if it helps my friend and her now husband use to have this arguement for years.since they have been married it seems to have stopped.i think he realised more so the whats mine is yours senario.i am sure if this is the only gripe/problem that you have i am sure it can be sorted.

you are not having 2nd thoughts and just looking for excuses are you?

[mrsrhbtobe]

Amelie,

A wise friend told me after a sad breakup with my college boyfriend, "The only person you're 100% compatible with is yourself". I fully believe this, and as I've gotten older I now understand it. Love alone is not enough for a solid marriage, and the best marriages don't necessarily get along perfectly....they just are able to talk about their feelings and communicate well. BillysBride said it perfectly. Enjoy this time, don't beat yourself up about being realistic about your differences with your FI, and work on communication EVERY DAY. Keep your head up girl.

[BillysBride]

Quote:

A wise friend told me after a sad breakup with my college boyfriend, "The only person you're 100% compatible with is yourself

Hahahaha! I know that's right! Love it!

[Ana]

Hmmm um I didn't and still don't have any doubts, but he does make me so angry sometimes that I want to just shake him and be like "WTF??!"

[Amelie]

Ha ha...
I guess you girls are all right! It is normal to be a little concious I guess and you can't always agree on everything.
I love him very much but sometimes, I guess I just wanna smack him too!

[sjfreimark]

Hi girls- I don't really have doubts but I worry a lot. That's my personality though......I worry about EVERYTHING. You just never know where your life will take you but you are always in control of YOUR actions. The one thing I have had a hard time with is realizing that we are going to disagree and have arguments. It's normal!!! Sometimes my FI drives me so crazy and I worry that we will never see eye to eye on a few issues. Who knows if we ever will but I do know that it's not worth losing my best friend over. We do what we have to in order to make our relationship work for the both of us. Marriage is not easy but when you step back and think of the loss of losing the love of your life.......it makes working together a much easier decision

[BillysBride]

I think the word "doubt" has negative connotations. Doubting something doesn't necessarily mean that you lack confidence in it or the person. More to the point, it can mean that you doubt your own ability to handle things, OR you doubt circumstances. There can be a lot of things that go into a situation that make you wonder if you'll be able to handle it successfully.

Maybe I'm just more....I dunno. I'm older, have been through a LOT and I tend to try really hard to be a realist. There is nothing wrong with worrying, or having a hand full of doubts about something, be it money, family or anything else. It doesn't mean you love him any less than the next bride or that you two aren't meant to be together. I've seen too many people blithely skip down the aisle saying "oh, I just KNOW we'll be together forever" and end up getting the divorce news a year later. That doesn't mean that anyone who has that confidence in their marriage is wrong. It just means that shit happens and in my experience it's the people who doubt, worry and wonder if they can handle things that end up handling it better than most.

My best friend (a guy I've known since high school) held off getting married til he was 34 yrs old, and was the biggest confirmed bachelor with cold feet all the way up til the day he walked down the aisle. As far as I can tell, and from what he says, they have the best relationship of anyone I know now, 4 yrs later. My sister waited til she was 42 because of the doubts she had about a couple of situations with my bro in law and now she's like my marriage role model. lol

[JaimeLynne]

In answer to your question... YES! lol

However, do I want to marry him.... YES!!!!!

Martin and I have been together for about 4 years now, and have been in counseling for about 3 years, and very regularly for the past couple of months. The other day in counseling we had a HUGE breakthrough - we fought it out, I yelled, he cried, I cried, I got pissed at both of them (the therapist too, lol) but you know what - we came out of it stronger than ever! Our therapist says we're very healthy.

It is a constant work in progress. Do NOT ignore the little things - that is my advise. Financial issues are a big deal - my advice is to attend marriage counseling. If you're afraid to do that, then I think you may secretly have more issues going on... I don't know, I am just being very frank here. It is so hard to take a look in the mirror, both at ourselves and the relationship, however it has been a tremendous amount of help and we have both grown SO MUCH!!!

Hang in there, and definitely keep the lines of communication open.

Here's a GREAT book, if you're interested: "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gotman. We've been taking the book chapter by chapter and doing the exercises together - they're fun - and ever since we started it there has been a huge shift in how we interact with each other.

GOOD LUCK!!!