Jump to content

A mother of a conundrum (rant and a cry for help)


Tara

Recommended Posts

I have this mother situation...

 

I'll try to be as brief with this as possible, but basically I am trying to look for a tactful way to tell my mother if she is coming to the wedding that she needs to mind her p's and q's.

 

My mom and I have an unusual relationship. I have often played more mom to her than she to me. She has an alcohol problem and the whole family knows it, but my mother refuses to acknowledge it or accept help. Throughout my life she had difficulty holding down a job and in my teens I worked (in the evenings every single night after school) to pay our rent while she was laid off because she mouthed off at work after drinking too much.

 

Anyway, originally she was not going to be able to afford Jamaica and was going to stay home with our pets. Now honestly, this should have upset me as most brides would be bothered if their moms couldn't make their wedding, but I was (everyone forgive me) a little relieved. However, she is now trying to see if she can swing it even if just a three night stay. Don't get me wrong. I do love my mom. No matter what we may have endured I would still do anything to help her, but I am worried about her behavior.

 

She has a tendency to be mean when she drinks and at an all inclusive resort, I am very concerned that this will be an issue. Also, she is extremely critical of me in these situations. Everytime something positive happens for me (college graduation, first new car, townhome, engagement, promotion at work, planning the wedding) she has some underhanded comment. It has gotten so bad that I often refrain from sharing my good news with her until I absolutely have to. Fi insists that it is a jealousy issue because she is not happy with her own status in life, but that doesn't make me feel any better. She is also very critical of how I look. I have heard a lot lately about hot my hair doesn't flatter me and what am I doing to lose weight... yada yada yada.

 

I understand that in her own way these things are done with the best of intentions, but I find it very hurtful.

 

Basically... now that I've finished ranting I'll lay out my concerns.

 

1) I am extremely concerned that she will say something inappropriate to one of our guests or staff at the resort. My fi barely tolerates her now and I am afraid that if she misbehaves at our wedding that he will snap and I do not want to take sides.

 

2) She tends to be very abrasive and physical when she has been drinking and I am worried of a confrontation (with anyone).

 

3) As much as she picks on me for gaining weight, she has gained quite a bit herself (beer gut) and insists on wearing these awful bikinis. Is there a way to tactfully tell her that I can help her find a more flattering swim suit or that her current apparel just ain't right?

 

 

HELP! I won't even get into what she did when we got engaged, but I am very worried about what could happen at my wedding. Any input?

 

By the way, my dad... he's a darling and I have no concerns with him. Now at least that takes a load off my mind. ::wink::

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OH, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine! From what it sounds like from your post, it seems your mother is generally unreliable, so there's a good chance she won't be able to pull things together, financially or whatever, to go even for a few days. Maybe you should not talk about the wedding in front of her, because if she sees you excited, she might try harder to go. If no one really talks about it, she might lose interest or lose focus on trying to go there. Or also tell her how much you appreciate her staying with your pets and how she is helping you out so much by doing that? Lol, who knows, she may buy it?!

 

If she does go though, is there anyone that can sort of 'babysit' or keep an eye on her, like a sibling or something? I would try not to stress about it too much before she actually books because it's quite possible that she may not be able to pull things together to actually go. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had the same concerns about FI's sister so she isn't coming lol FMIL and her new hubby like a drink 2 but unlike you i'm pretty direct so it doesn't worry me lol

 

i think the only thing you can do is be straight with her, and if you upset her thats tough.

 

She probs won't be able to go anyway and even if she tries I'd get the TA to tell her the prices are horrific - that might also help

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tara, do not feel bad because of your negative feelings towards your mothers behaviour. I can somewhat relate to your story. I had not spoken to my mom since 1999 (I live in Canada, she's in England) when she came to Mexico for my daughters wedding, and like you, I was concerned about how she would behave. Then I decided that I had been the parent in the relationship for far too long and that I was not going to be responsible for the way she behaved for the week in Mexico.

 

It all worked out ok for us. We have the most wonderful best friends who came with us and basically they took her under their wing some of the time. They'd have dinner with her whilst we had dinner with my Dad, or my daughter's new in-laws etc. But they did tell me once we all got back that they were getting really annoyed with all of her negative comments :)

 

I know that it is really hard but you are not responsible for the way your mom behaves. Hopefully the people around you will be as understanding as the people who were with us in Mexico and see her behaviour as hers and not yours. You can only control the way you react to her, not what she does or says.

 

I hope that helps in some way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am with Harty on this, you have to be straight with her when she is being mean to you and she probably won't come anyway.

 

However, if she does go, you are not the parent, nor should you have to be. Like Helen has said, your friends and family will realize her behaviour is no reflection of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To me, it sounds like you'd rather not have her there. If that's really the case, tell her that. It can be done nicely, but it needs to be done.

 

Tell her straight out that her comments and advice, while well intentioned are negative and hurtful and you don't want to hear anything negative in the days preceeding or following your wedding. Also tell her that her behavior after she's had a few is abrasive and confrontational, and that you are concerned that at an all inclusive resort, she's going to be tempted and do something to embarass herself in front of your guests.

 

Are there others (siblings, your dad, aunts, uncles, etc - NOT YOUR FI) that you can enlist to help deliver the weight of this message? That may also make the message more meaningful. Worst case, even if she does come, maybe she'll think twice about things and stick with sodas...

 

I wish you the best of luck and will keep my fingers crossed for you!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all, I would wait to see if she can even get it all together to make the trip. If it looks like she may really be coming then you need to get a family member or family friend to keep an eye on her...maybe get her drinks but water them down. Keep her busy and off your back. Just a thought. I wish you the best!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tara View Post
1) I am extremely concerned that she will say something inappropriate to one of our guests or staff at the resort. My fi barely tolerates her now and I am afraid that if she misbehaves at our wedding that he will snap and I do not want to take sides.

2) She tends to be very abrasive and physical when she has been drinking and I am worried of a confrontation (with anyone).

3) As much as she picks on me for gaining weight, she has gained quite a bit herself (beer gut) and insists on wearing these awful bikinis. Is there a way to tactfully tell her that I can help her find a more flattering swim suit or that her current apparel just ain't right?
I find it odd that the one thing that really jumped out at me was that she is hurtful to YOU and this isn't one of your 3 problems! smile43.gif

I think that that is the most important issue that should swing how you deal with this situation. Whether she acts weirdly to other guests (you can't do much about that), confrontation (a resort worker will deal with), bikini (who cares? it's her body!).
What really matters is that it's your wedding and you're the bride and damnit you should NOT be feeling like crap on your wedding! You should feel beautiful and wonderful. Anyone who is putting you down should not be there.

Good luck - maybe she won't come. Maybe you should try to express those concerns to her.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This really sucks for you. I'm so sorry. i would just si back and wait to see if she really is going to just blowing smoke. If she does me personally would sit her down and bluntly say this is your wedding and want no incidents. She probably wont be able to go if her fiancial situation is stilll the same. take a breath and see what happens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is a toughie.

 

You are not obligated to baby sit her, she is an adult. Even though you want to help and protect her, you need to focus on yourself and your FI.

 

If she wants to embarrass herself by wearing inappropriate bikinis, drinking to much, etc...it is her burden to bare.

 

Prepare yourself now for it to not bother you. I know it is hard, but it can be done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Best Destination Wedding Sponsors



    Facebook Pinterest Google+ Twitter
  • Posts

    • Just finished building and was lost on heating... [url=https://rjadom.ru/]this site[/url] helped a lot with practical examples.
    • [b]Сайт Кракен – лучшая торговая площадка Даркнета [/b] Сервис Kraken – лучший магазин Даркнета, где продаются разные позволяющие расслабиться препараты, фальшивые документы и деньги, можно заплатить за доступ к чужим личным данным и аккаунтам. Клиентам обеспечивается полная анонимность, а количество магазинов всё время растёт. [b]Покупки на Кракене[/b] На Кракене можно найти такие предложения: • Несколько видов наркотиков – от марихуаны и стимуляторов до ЛСД и кокаина. • Обналичка Bitcoin. • Взломанные аккаунты ВПН. • Услуги хакеров. • Паспорта, удостоверения, водительские права. • Банковские карты и симки. • Фальшивые купюры – в основном, 1000, 2000 и 5000 руб.. • Оборудование и приборы – от скрытых камер и жучков до флешек для взлома. На сайте можно и найти работу. Например, стать закладчиком, химиком или гровером. Можно стать продавцом. [b]Преимущества сервиса[/b] Причины для выбора площадки Kraken: • Полная анонимность клиентов и владельцев магазинов благодаря расположению в сети Onion. • Применение криптовалют в качестве денежной единицы. Это гарантирует анонимность всех транзакций. • Доступ к покупке сразу после оплаты. Закладки уже доставлены – нужно только забрать. • Минимальный риск мошенничества. Проблемы можно решить обращением в поддержку сайта, доступную 24 часа в сутки. • Система рейтинга, которая позволяет сразу отсортировать лучшие магазины. • Доставка в разные города РФ и соседних странах. Список доступных мест содержит сотни наименований. Клиентам сервиса можно бесплатно использовать дополнительные услуги. Круглосуточно они могут получить консультацию у юриста или нарколога. А если появились проблемы – обратиться в техподдержку, которая тоже отвечает круглосуточно. Ещё одна особенность сервиса – собственный форум. Вход из расположенной вверху панели сайта. На форуме есть основные правила, новости и информация от других посетителей. А ещё результаты площадки и раздел для общения доставщиков товара. [b]Способы перейти на Кракен[/b] Сервис, который продаёт психоактивные вещества и поддельные документы, запрещён контролирующими службами. И зайти на него, обычным способом не выйдет. Для доступа следует использовать зеркало, браузер Тор или VPN-сервис. Сервис ВПН – вариант, вариант, позволяющий обходить блокировки сайтов. В том числе – на площадки в Darknet. Преимущество метода – защита связи, возможность изменения данных входа только в браузере или всего компьютера. Недостатки – замедление скорости и небольшой размер бесплатного трафика. Второй способ – специальный браузер Тор. Чтобы зайти на Кракен понадобится специальная ссылка, заканчивающейся на .ONOION. Плюсы – отсутствие оплаты и принцип «луковичной маршрутизации», недоступный посторонним IP и отсутствующая история посещений. Минус – сравнительно медленный доступ. Зеркала сайта – тот же сайт, который расположен по другому адресу. Отсутствуют отличия от основной страницы. Есть возможность запуска в обычном браузере. Зеркальные версии будут работать, даже если временно недоступен официальный сайт. Недостаток зеркал – трафик не скрывается, а посетитель может попасть на фейковые страницы. Потому список зеркальных версий следует брать на надёжных сайтах. Есть такой перечень на наркошопе Kraken https://kraken-v2tor.info/magazin-kraken-v-telegram.html и тематических форумах. [b]Регистрация [/b] Чтобы пользоваться сайтом нужно пройти регистрацию. Это позволит совершать покупки, использовать форум и дополнительные услуги. Для регистрации нужно выполнить несколько несложных действий: 1. Зайти на сайт и указать проверочный код. 2. В форме регистрации ввести логин, пароль и имя. Логин – английскими литерами. Имя вводится и на русском. 3. Завершить регистрацию и подтвердить согласие с требованиями площадки. После регистрации идентификаторами можно пользоваться для входа в кабинет. Здесь показываются данные о заявках и оплате, предложениях скидки, настройки аутентификации. [b]Совершение сделки на сайте[/b] Совершить покупку на сервисе Kraken можно за несколько простых шагов: 1. Указать населённый пункт в выпадающем списке. По умолчанию там стоит место, выбранное при первом входе. Можно указать метро и район города. 2. Найти нужную категорию в меню слева. Указать вариант доставки – например, закладку или прикоп. 3. Познакомиться со списком доступных магазинов. Выбрать подходящий вариант и перейти на его страницу. 4. Познакомиться с отзывами. Если покупателя всё устраивает – перейти к покупке. 5. После перехода к форме заказа указать подходящий вариант. Это может быть Биткоин, карту или телефон и даже игру в рулетку. 6. Получить адрес клада и взять товар в указанном городе и районе. 7. Написать отзыв, чтобы другие посетители знали, что товар качественный – или были проблемы. 8. Запомнить магазин в «Избранное» чтобы было проще заходить из профиля. Покупая товар, стоит познакомиться с особенностями сделок. При появлении проблем покупатели могут открыть спор где будут участвовать админы. Правда, в первый раз купить можно только на криптовалюту BTC. Если выбран вариант «рулетка», открывается доступ к игре. Это даёт шанс заплатить меньше, делая ставки на поле из 100 клеток. Ещё один вид экономии – купон. Он подходит для оплаты не больше 50процентов стоимости покупки. [b]Гарантии отсутствия обмана[/b] Обращение на Кракен позволяет рассчитывать на качество продукта. Показать клиентам, что вещества соответствуют требованиям сайта, продавец может, заказав сертификацию. При прохождении проверки сведения о сертификате будут показаны вверху карточки. Гарантия отсутствия обмана – возможность подтвердить заказ в течение 24 часов. Когда покупатель убедился, что клад на месте, он закрывает сделку. Если возникли проблемы – можно открыть спор. Когда виноват продавец, средства будут возвращены клиенту. У магазина ухудшается репутация, а частый обман приводит к бану. Поэтому некачественного товара на торговой площадке практически нет Отзывы kraken shop Kraken маркетплейснарковалютная наркомаркет Kraken Рынок Кракен наркорынок Кракен в анонимной сети kraken market резервный адрес Kraken даркнет маркет Долгопрудный Площадка Кракен в тор Kraken даркнет маркет Сыктывкар Kraken даркнет маркет Арзамас Kraken даркнет маркет Владимир Кракен Казан Читаева магазин Kraken даркнет маркет Севастополь наркорынок на Kraken Веб-сайт Кракен Kraken трейдинг Магазин Кракена Kraken наркорынок Кракен сайт Москва как войти на сайт Кра?кен официальный
    • Очень интересная тема, спасибо за полезную информацию! Если кому-то близка тема шаманизма, энтеогенов и растений силы — рекомендую заглянуть на один интересный ресурсКто-нибудь пробовал шаманский табак мапачо или ритуал с камбо? Есть хороший ресурс с описанием этих практик — [url=https://ayana.asia]синаптолепис кирки [/url]. Хотелось бы узнать ваше мнение!
    • Hi everyone! I have been doing lots of research on various wedding venues all around Mexico, my fiance wants a destination wedding and I am happy to have a wedding wherever so long as the vibe is right and guests are happy!  I have been seriously looking at Cabo Azul and was trying to find potential costs for them, but only found a page about their wedding costs from 2010. Does anyone have any updated information on costs / reviews they would like to share of this venue? Or advice in general, anything helps. Thanks so much, happy wedding planning to all!
    • Have you ever considered having a wedding inside a bubble? With the current global situation, many couples are looking for unique and creative ways to celebrate their special day while keeping their guests safe. A wedding inside a bubble could provide a whimsical and intimate setting for your ceremony and reception. Imagine saying your vows surrounded by a beautiful bubble filled with twinkling lights and flowers, creating a magical atmosphere for you and your loved ones to enjoy.
  • Topics

×
×
  • Create New...