Certain friends...avoiding you....

[shellb]

Do you find that some of your friends are avoiding you since you told them about your wedding?

 

I've noticed that one friend in particular has been avoiding me since I announced over a year ago that we were planning on getting married down south. We've been relatively close friends since 1st year university. I personally think the world of her and her husband.

 

At the time I told her about the wedding, she was living in NC with her husband while he did a fellowship, so we weren't as close as when she was here in the city. She's been back since last June, I gave her a few months to settle back in, we've chatted infrequently by phone and email (at my initiation) since. When (or should I say if) you get her on the phone she'll chat away, by email it's one or two liners.

 

I've re-iterated both via voice and email that for the wedding "we fully understand if people can not make it, but wanted to be sure to include the people we who we would definitely invite if we got married here. We know that most people we invite won't be able to make it. It's not everyones thing or sometimes circumstances sometimes do not permit. We don't want anyone to feel guilty about that."

 

My latest email to her about a month ago was asking her if she wanted to get together while her husband was out of town for a month....no response...

 

Other than driving to the other side of town and beating on her door, I have no clue what to do. I know they have been try to get pregnant without luck for a while, but I've been supportive telling her I am here to listen, to talk, even available for her to yell at if she wants...she's even thanked me for being there for her.

 

I am afraid it's our decision to get married down south that's pushing her away because I know they avoided going to another friends (her husband's best freind from university) wedding in FL while they were living in NC.

 

I have no freaking clue what to do....

[Christine]

perhaps she is having a really hard time seeing people get married and start families when she is unable to. I would just try to be supportive as a friend. I am sorry you have to go through this but I am sure its not you that she is avoiding, it might be hard to be around others right now.

[LadyCheese]

I would try to call her and see what happens. Definitely just be there for her bc maybe she's going through other things as well that you may not know about. But on the other hand, I know what you mean about people avoiding you since you made the announcement of a DW...its happened to us. I say give it a little more time and see if she comes around. Keeps us posted

[Hartyt509]

Yeah my closest friend has done the same to me. Its her little boy's birthday next week and so I rang her a couple of weeks ago and said when are you in, she said "sunday i'll let you know for sure"! so text her a week ago no response! i'm not at the point that if people can't be bothered with me then shite to them

 

Back off and see what happens she'll probably end up on your doorstep! people are weird when you tell them you are getting married, its as if a switch gets flicked that says "be an obnoxious annoying distance arsehole" lol

[foxytv]

It definitely happens. I have dealt with it already and in one instance, still am. I think sometimes it has to do with jealousy, and whether or not it's an intentional avoidance .... it still hurts.

 

Tom and I have both come to the realization that our circle of friends is very likely to change now that we are married ... but we are okay with that.

[Sandra E.]

Some people act very weird when they hear good news. I do however agree with Christine - maybe she's having a very hard time right now and doesn't want to hear about other people's exciting events like your wedding. I do however think that you should enjoy every moment of this and you've reached out to her. You've already let her know you're there for her, and leave it at that. Enjoy your moment.

[Maura]

one of my best friends from college who i lived with for 2 years told me, the day after i got engaged when i saw her for lunch and told her about the DW, flat out said "we wont be able to make it" (even though her husband is a high powered attorney at a huge lawfirm where i know for a fact he makes $175K/year because she told me that in the fall). she has been so distant and barely emails, never calls, infrequently IMs me. it has really caused the demise of our friendship because she got married this past october back in her hometown in ohio and i flew back and forth with her 2 times to help her with stuff to plan, spent tons of money to be a BM, and helped her plan however she needed me. she has not been there for me at all, in fact shes been totally absent. i am positive it has to do with the fact that her husband is close friends with my ex, but what can you do. it sucks and it hurts, but if they dont make any effort, its not worth spending your whole engagement, IMHO, trying to get them to get into your wedding or even to hang out and just be friends. its really unfortunate. but since we got engaged our circle of friends who support us has changed, but for the better i think. hang in there.

[shellb]

The funny thing is when we talk or I rarely mention the wedding unless I have to (e.g. group rates) because I know that's not everyones cup of tea. I try to focus on her and what's going on in her life because I know that's what she needs right now.

 

I am going to try giving her a call tomorrow to see how she's doing. If I get no response, I'll leave the ball in her court. I don't want to push it. And now that I know I am not alone in people avoiding you when your having a DW...I don't feel so bad.

[Pisces]

I have come to accept, and I think we all have to, that some people think DW's are an unreasonably selfish thing to do. It is truly not something you can change, and no amount of telling people how you feel about your day and why you are doing it this way will change their minds. I think it comes down to values, which are really ingrained in people. Unfortunately it might just be until after your wedding for this time to pass. I'm sorry you're going through this with her

[Celina]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pisces I have come to accept, and I think we all have to, that some people think DW's are an unreasonably selfish thing to do. It is truly not something you can change, and no amount of telling people how you feel about your day and why you are doing it this way will change their minds. I think it comes down to values, which are really ingrained in people. Unfortunately it might just be until after your wedding for this time to pass. I'm sorry you're going through this with her

Pisces said it perfectly! I think my ENTIRE family thinks I am a selfish snob for having a DW in Mexico! However - they were the reason I decided to do it there anyway! For two years FI and I invited them to our home for our annual 4th of July bbq. For two years they declined to come. SO why would we host a party here for them to come and eat and drink on us for our wedding, when we opened our home and they wouldn't even come? My family is avoiding me like the plague! Weddings bring out the worst in people. Like Pisces said....values are ingrained in people. You see peoples true colors and who they really are at times like this. Those who are truly happy for you will be there to help out in the planning even though they aren't going.

Give her some time. Also, there may come a time when you have to ask her point blank what is up with her. A lot of times people think too that if they aren't going that they are better off just staying away. You may have to open the door for her to be involved even if she isn't going.

I hope it works out!