I need advice - annoying ex of FI

[JennyK]

This is going to be long!

 

My FI has been "best friends" with this chick since high school.. we'll name her T. We all went to high school together and even though I wasn't friends with my FI, I knew her and if there was one person that annoyed the living crap out of me it was her lol So when me and him got together 3 years ago, I though,"Wonderful.. now I have to deal with her now.." but I figured we've all grown up, we're adults.. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Now here's the kicker, she was his first love. They dated right after high school for a few months but she ended up breaking his heart and sleeping with all of their friends. He told me that was why they never got back together but remained very close. I know they have been there for each other through rough times and all that bs. So it all started when we first started dating. She'd constantly be calling my FI. There was a time that he was on the phone with me and she called in like 3 times that he eventually said,"Hold on.. T keeps calling, it might be important." You know what it was? She wanted him to go over her house to look at her vacation pics from Hawaii! WTF..? Since it was so early in the relationship, I was scared to say.."no don't go." Months later, the FI took me to FL to meet his 'rents. Our ride back in NJ bailed on us so he called her to see if she'd pick us up from the airport. She goes,"I'll pick you up but I won't pick up who you're with!" I heard her saying it so I started screaming,"WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!" And I tried getting the phone away from him to go off on her. He got mad at her and they stopped talking for about a week or so. Months later, our biggest blow up bc of her was when we went to a concert and she was there. He went to the venue early to tailgate with all of his friends. The minute I started to walk towards where everyone was..she saw me and started to wrestle with my FI. She kept grabbing his shirt and shorts.. I started to FUME. I grabbed my friends arm and started to squeeze it bc I couldn't decide on who to hit - him or her. To make a long story short, I FREAKED out. We faught til morning about it. I guess after he thought about it, he came to me and said,"You know what.. you might be right. She wasn't around me until you showed up. Everything happened too perfect in her favor. So again, he stopped talking to her for a few weeks. She emailed me and him an apology about it blah blah tryin to be friends with us again. I let it go... My last straw was AFTER we were engaged, I called him one Saturday last October while I was at work. I knew he had stuff to do so I was checking in. I was like,"What are you doing?" He goes,"I'm at T's house, we're just chilling on her front porch drinking beers." I FLIPPED out again bc I had already told him not to "hang out" with her alone without me. It's not that I don't trust him.. I just don't trust HER since it seems she's always trying to sabotage our relationship. At that point, I gave him the ultimatum.. her friendship or ME. Kicking and screaming, he chose me obviously. I just can't deal with her in my life at all. She'll always be a thorn in my side.

 

Here's where I need the advice since I gave you the long background - He sat me down a few days ago and asked me if we can be friends with her again! WTF?!?! His reasoning is that she was a good friend to him (Which I don't see at all) and that bc we are all in the same circle of friends, we'll always be in contact with her and to not feel uncomfortable, we should be the bigger person. Also bc we have a wedding this weekend and she's most likely sitting at our table!! What should I do..? Make peace or continue happy that she's not around?

 

 

P.S.

Another thorn - my FSIL IS BEST FRIENDS WITH HER!!!!!!!! They got really close when T and my FI were dating 10 years ago. I'll never have T out of my life ever....... I've talked to my FSIL about the situation and she said she's not going to stop being friends with her. I said,"I'd never ask you to but I want you to see my side of the story."

[amyrak]

Wow that is some serious shit!! There is no way I would put up with that! She's not invited to your wedding is she?? Well, she will probably weasle her way into it if they become friends again... Wow, that would really suck. I feel for you girl!

[JennyK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by amyrak Wow that is some serious shit!! There is no way I would put up with that! She's not invited to your wedding is she?? Well, she will probably weasle her way into it if they become friends again... Wow, that would really suck. I feel for you girl!

No way is she invited lol All of her friends are though.. unfortunately all of my FI's best friends are also her best friends. I'll never win.

[amyrak]

So, he has a lot of friends who are girls?? or she has a lot of friends who are guys??

[LCBride2007]

Well, I'm the type that would just let it be, and not do the rules or ultimatum - but then again, I've never been in your shoes! However, I will say I'd have more of a problem with FI that I would with her. He needs to have a serious talk with T and let her know where he stands. He should let her know that any kind of inappropriate behavior (like that obvious flirting) isn't welcome. He needs to set boundaries, and stick to them - otherwise he's disrespecting you. And if she has a problem with those boundaries, then it's her problem ... she can take it or leave it! Knowing girls like her, she probably loves that she's causing you issues ... which sucks. But FI can't talk to her and say "my FI doesn't want you to flirt with me anymore" or some bullshit. He needs to tell her that HE doesn't want that kind of friendship with her, that he loves you, respects you, etc. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth!

[JennyK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by amyrak So, he has a lot of friends who are girls?? or she has a lot of friends who are guys??

Shes got a lot of friends who are guys.. shes very tomboyish.. not the type to have boyfriends or ever settle down. I think that's the problem.

[Ana]

I wouldn't be friends with her. You and your FI can be civil and talk to her when you're forced into a situation where she's present, but for you or your FI to go out of your ways to be her friend, I don't see it as necessary. You're feeling the way you feel for a good reason and trust your instinct. As adults you should be able to be around one another and not want to fight, but I kind of think that should be the extent of it. I've been in your situation and I said no way to being friends. My FI and I's relationship is better because of it.

[jajajaja]

Yikes this is a really hard situation. I agree- she will always be there so I think it's best you find a way to compromise with your FI. I would also be fuming pissed if my FI was wrestling around with some girl- especially his ex. Yikes. It seems that your FI agrees it was wrong.

 

Does your FI want a close best friend relationship with her? I def. wouldn't want my hubby going to his "best friend" to talk about his problems with me and have someone like the ex waiting to exploit the problem and give him crappy advice hoping to cause a problem between us.

 

I would recommend just talking to your FI. Hopefully he can see that a close relationship with her would be detrimental to the relationship you and he have built. There is a big difference in a close friendship and just a friend you see at friendly functions.

[Ana]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnR Well, I'm the type that would just let it be, and not do the rules or ultimatum - but then again, I've never been in your shoes! However, I will say I'd have more of a problem with FI that I would with her. He needs to have a serious talk with T and let her know where he stands. He should let her know that any kind of inappropriate behavior (like that obvious flirting) isn't welcome. He needs to set boundaries, and stick to them - otherwise he's disrespecting you. And if she has a problem with those boundaries, then it's her problem ... she can take it or leave it! Knowing girls like her, she probably loves that she's causing you issues ... which sucks. But FI can't talk to her and say "my FI doesn't want you to flirt with me anymore" or some bullshit. He needs to tell her that HE doesn't want that kind of friendship with her, that he loves you, respects you, etc. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth!

I totally agree! My biggest issue was with my FI and I told him that. Once I sort of reversed the scenario so that he could see it from my point of view, he understood and cut off contact with her on his own.

[jajajaja]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnR However, I will say I'd have more of a problem with FI that I would with her. He needs to have a serious talk with T and let her know where he stands. He should let her know that any kind of inappropriate behavior (like that obvious flirting) isn't welcome. He needs to set boundaries, and stick to them - otherwise he's disrespecting you. And if she has a problem with those boundaries, then it's her problem ... she can take it or leave it! Knowing girls like her, she probably loves that she's causing you issues ... which sucks. But FI can't talk to her and say "my FI doesn't want you to flirt with me anymore" or some bullshit. He needs to tell her that HE doesn't want that kind of friendship with her, that he loves you, respects you, etc. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth!

Great advice Ann.