Off Your Chest

Dear Bank,

Why do you keep fucking up my desposits and then charging me insane fees? Why do I have to spend 40 minutes 3x a week on hold because 'you have high call volume' trying to get your mistakes fixed?

Dear guy in my thursday morning yoga class who always farts,

Please try and stop or go to the back of the room at least. Hold it in, don't eat for a while- something. I am grossed out by you and it's really hard for me not to laugh.

Dear Jess (my sis),

I miss you! Please come back to the states. The Peace Corps doesn't need you as much as I do. You have already been there 2 years and have continually been sick. You have done a lot for the people in your village. Please stop beating yourself up about it and come home if you hate it so much. You are beginning to lose our support...

Love,

Me

Dear FSIL:

Please stop sending us emails every two weeks to give us more reasons why it's not convenient for you to come to our wedding. Quite frankly, I think we'll somehow manage to have a wonderful day without you. I know it's very difficult for you to imagine how a wedding could possibly be complete without you, since of course, everything is about you. I really think we'll be fine though. More than fine. Better off without you whining the whole time about how much it cost you to get there (even though you're loaded), how you really didn't have the holiday time for it (even though you've now booked another holiday later in the year), how your kids will be scarred for life after having to take such a long flight (even though they've done it before and a number of other parents are somehow managing to bring their children to our wedding) and/or how you cannot stand to be away from your kids for even one minute. We will be fine. It would be really nice if you would just shut up about it though. Our wedding is not about you. Unbelievable, I know.

Sherry

PS - If you'd just tell us the truth, that you have major issues about leaving your kids, even if your husband, their father, will be home with them, it would really help. It's pretty sad that your husband had to tell us that behind your back. Honesty really would have been the best policy, and a lot less insulting than a bunch of clearly untrue excuses.

PPS - you have only one sibling, and you're missing his wedding. That is your decision. I reiterate: please just shut up about it now and for once in your life, let something be about someone other than you.

Oh, and if you're going to miss your brother's wedding, you should really at least call him on the phone to tell him that, not send him an email.

Dear MOH

F-Off! Seriously, I hate you, where have you been for the last 8 months? Now 4 weeks before my shower you decide you want to change things, my other bridesmaid did everything, planned, consulted with me, FH, and my mother you couldn't be bothered. Now everything is set, booked, ect. I can't believe you had the nerve to call FH this morning at 8am to tell him you think the following people should be invited! YOU DON"T GET A VOTE! It is not your shower or wedding, I know that is really hard for a selfish bitch like you to get. This is why you are over 40 and alone! Your not my sister, never will be, not even a friend!

Dear Brother:

You are a drunk, dumbass, loser. I don't want you in my wedding or in my life. You embarrass me daily. Just an FYI, I will not be driving your licenceless ass to work anymore. Good job not calling out or showing up to work today, I hope our boss fires you! My life will be much more peaceful.

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me my way out with my brother. I hear you loud and clear! I'm not sure what the reason that you are putting FH and I through all this but we'll see!

Dear Bottle of Vodka,

I will be seeing you @ 6pm and will stay all weekend. You are always there when I need you. FH needs you too. Thanks for all your help!

dear sherry,

i think you should cut and paste what you wrote into an email to your fsil.

lauren

Dear Clock,

Please speed up! This weekend has been a long time coming! Hurry up!!!

First off- this is the best thread EVER! I have SO many things I need to get off my chest!

Dear Uncle,

Grow the hell up. Everyone is tired of you being so inconsiderate and self destructive. You're fucking 50 years old- act like it. This is the time in your life when you should be taking care of your mother, not the other way around. You're gonna kill the poor old lady! Just get your shit together and stop mooching off of us!

~Tati

Dear Guy I Just Got Off the Phone With,

I work in a multi-million dollar nightclub. We're not going to go out of business because you refuse to pay for a bottle service reservation. There is no need to yell at me about my prices. We've survived this far without your business and we'll be okay without it too... Go to Ghost Bar, go to any popular nightclub in Dallas and see if their prices are any better... It's industry standard! If you can't afford it- STAY HOME!

~Tati

WHEW THAT FELT GOOD!!!

Dear Clock on the wall,

Why are you ticking so slow? You must be broken today, because the hours are dragging on. Speed the hell up!! I have some bussiness to take care of Im going to and do some of these and then off to and then some more and maybe a little . And then when I get home and hope fully FI wont and when I wake up I wont feel like

Thanks

Stacey