45 replies to this topic

[pjay]

You sound like a very strong woman and you know what you want. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel and being honest. I really respect that!

It's great that you did tell him how you feel because now you can work it out as a couple. It's also really good that he wants to work through everything and work to provide you with the emotional support/connection you are looking for.

 

I'm sending good vibes your way and hoping that everything works out for you.

[beckys98]

@LisaAnthonyPoppy That is really great that you were so honest with him! As we all know, relationships take a lot of work and you have both demonstrated through this experience that you're willing to own up to it when you're not carrying your end of the bargain and promise to do better. I think is it easy to become complacent and take your partner for granted - that little swift kick sometimes can help correct course!

 

You also can't underestimate how dumb boys can be sometimes and need to be told what we need - my fiance falls into that category BIG TIME. I've spent 9 years "training" him. He hadn't had a serious girlfriend before me and was super clueless. He is not very good with his words so I can often feel unappreciated - I literally had to tell him a couple weeks ago that I would like it if he complimented me every once in awhile. (And threatened him that if he didn't compliment me on our wedding day that I'm calling it off.) DUH. God love him...

 

The wedding is the wedding...but your relationship, your kids and your happiness are more important than any day. It sounds like you're in a healthy place and you'll make the best decisions for all of you. Hang in there!

[Wafflesmom]

@LisaAnthonyPoppy I saw your reply to my message and I was concerned. I didn't want to pry as to why you lost your excitement but now I see why. Like everyone else, I admire your honesty and ability to show your vulnerability.

Your honesty with your fiancé and telling him about the other person you found emotional support from is a great step in resolving your issues. It's true that it would be unfair to criticize him without making him aware of the issues so I'm glad you have both been open to each other. As you open up communication with each other and possibly go through counselling, I ask you to stay honest in the process. Especially with yourself. Ask yourself why you wanted to marry him in the first place. Was it because it's comfortable, it's the logical "next step" in your relationship, convenience for your child or is it because you love him and want to share your life together? If it's not the latter, perhaps postponing the wedding would be best. It's not uncommon to have doubts but you sound like you have more than doubts.

[TinkerSofi]

I think it takes a lot to be open with your partner and tell them if something is going on, but at the same time it is necessary if you want the relationship to carry on. Sometimes guys really don't know they are aren't doing something or that they're missing the mark somewhere, no matter how many hints you drop. In the end, without being direct it only leaves one partner feeling resentful, and the other one wondering where things went wrong.

 

I've had the experience where I felt drawn to someone else while still in a relationship. Nothing ever happened but it was definitely, like you put it, being emotionally unfaithful. It really made me question why this was happening and what was missing from my relationship to bring me to feel this way about another man. In the end things didn't work out with my boyfriend, but it was a very different situation, a very dysfunctional relationship and this "emotional infidelity" helped me open my eyes. Your situation is completely different, so I'm not saying that things will progress the same way but I think it is a good starting point to ask yourself what is missing from this relationship? Can you fix it and how? I think seeing a counsellor is a great start so you can both share feelings in a safe environment. It's really tough to bring these things up and I think a counsellor can really help. 

 

I agree with what was said before, sometimes people don't show their love for us in the way we expect them to, but that doesn't mean they don't show it or that they don't love us. Sometimes it's about changing those expectations and being able to see the romanticism and love in places where perhaps you didn't expect them. Sometimes it's also about the two of you meeting in the middle. Chances are that he won't change the way he is and it would be unfair for you to expect that from him, but perhaps he can make more of an effort on certain areas. Then it is your decision as to whether that is enough for you or not. 

 

Best of luck! I hope you can both work things out *hugs*

[acw271011]

I don't know if any of you ladies have been married before or if this is the first time for all of you but having come from being married before and in another relationship, now married, for almost 14 years, and being an old lady, I do want to weigh in a bit.

 

The one thing I want to point out is that whatever characteristics annoy you about your hubby to be, will still be there when you get married. They won't magically disappear overnight just because you're married. Absolutely couples are supposed to be able to grow together, and most definitely marriage needs constant work. If you slack off, it usually ends badly. And you better believe planning a wedding puts huge stress on a relationship for so many reasons and in so many different ways. But if someone else can come into your life and so totally make you question what you have, something is up.

 

I like what @Wafflesmom said and I agree that it's great that you talked with your FI about the connection you had with someone else and to question the process for getting married. That's definitely a healthy thing to do in terms of your communication as a couple. But if you can classify the connection as an "affair" of any kind - emotional, physical, whatever, that's already stepping outside of your relationship.

 

Couples do need to take time to get used to each other and figuring out what works and what doesn't. There always has to be give and take. I've always told my kids though in their relationships that if it doesn't work right at the beginning, if it takes that much work to get it off the ground, odds are it won't work down the road. Every relationship should have that newness and fun stage right at the beginning. Of being stupid and mooning over each other. Kids do change things and alter the relationship priorities but the couple relationship needs to be a priority too. My concern I guess is that if you're looking at counselling after just four years together, what does it bode for later down the road? I have nothing against counselling at all. It can definitely make couples look at things that they may not otherwise look at. But so early in a relationship raises a question for sure.

 

Again I agree with @Wafflesmom. Perhaps postponing would be best and you do definitely sound like you have more than doubts. It takes much more courage to walk away beforehand.

 

Good luck!

[dreamweddings]

Thank you women for ALL of your responses. I really really appreciate the fair and considerate responses. It has been on my mind for so long. The person I met came into my life and is no longer in my life. It was a total emotional affair, . I fell for the illusion of this person that wasn't real. But before that happened I had been talking to Scott about working out a way to make each other happier. Scott asks nothing of me in return. He's content with whatever. It's me who wants him to not be counting on me to do everything. I want to feel like a woman. I want to feel like I can relax and I don't have to do everything. He hasn't made me feel like a woman in years. Damnit I wanna put on a pair of high heels.Sure if I tell Scott to do something he will do it, but then again I have to essentially beg. He is open to go to counseling with me. My mother walked away from everything even us kids when things got tough. I'm praying that meeting this person and seeing this person out of my life exactly one month 5/2/2015 before my wedding is a sign that Scott is my true love and I hope that Scott now sees how serious I am about my feelings of neglect and unfulfillment bc I told him everything about this other person. He cried, I cried and I asked if we should still do this. He said he loves me more than life and he still wants to marry me and he is open to talking to someone and learning how to be more of an emotional and physical provider. Gosh I can't believe I confessed this all. I'm going to kick it around the whole wedding thing and let you all know. Everyone who knows me tells me he is a great man and loves me unconditionally and this is all very true but I want to feel alive.

Hey @LisaAnthonyPoppy,

 

I salute you for your bravery and honesty in talking about it!! As a planner the where times , where I had to be a counselor for my clients.  it is quite normal to get cold feet  or to put the wedding on hold.  

 

My 2 cents worth, taking few days off the wedding planning and making it all about the 2 of you and reconnecting and more so COMMUNICATING!  On everything that you love about each, and the things you don't like about each other without judgement.

 

Make your man know or to be- aware of what are things that would make you feel alive?

(there is a book called "understanding women" and when you open that book you would see that its blank and that simply means we are a mystery to men.  sometimes is very hard for them to read our minds /signs we may think they see.

 

10yrs from now , you want to look back and see the greatest memories you have had with your soon bee husband.  

 

All the best in  the decision you will make!

 

Greetings

Joyce

[rachelia160]

Just as everyone else has said, it is so brave of you to be so honest and up front about your feelings. Good for you!!

 

Getting close to the wedding definitely is a stressful time for anyone, and really makes you start to think about what "forever" means as you see how your significant other operates under pressure. Something I would really recommend, for you and anyone else reading this, is taking a marriage preparation course. It's almost like pre-emptive couples counseling, in a way - it opens up a space for you and your almost-hubby to hammer out how you'll deal with issues BEFORE them become big problems, from money to kids to emotional expectations and more.  

 

My FI and I did this as a part of the Catholic marriage process since it's a requirement.   I'm the Catholic one and he's Baptist, so he was EXTREMELY hesitant about this at first, but it has actually been such a wonderful experience for both of us and has made of feel truly ready to be married. One of the best parts was a day-long retreat with other couples where we got to discuss different marriage issues and issues between ourselves, and a part of our conversation was me saying that I needed him to step up a little more and make more decisions instead of letting me handle everything.  Discussing it in an open, honest way has really made a huge difference for us and I think will really help us in our future. It was a great way for us to remain focused on being married instead of just getting caught up in the wedding.

 

Obviously most people on here aren't Catholic, but I'm sure they offer different workshops like this for anyone, or that a marriage counselor would have some kind of service to offer.

 

Anyway, I hope everything works out with you, and follow your heart and your gut, and don't let all the wedding preparations distract you from whether or not you want to actually be married.

 

Good luck with everything!

Edited by rachelia160, 14 May 2015 - 04:27 AM.

[Sabes44]

@LisaAnthonyPoppy  good for you!!  Glad you talked about it and hopefully it will all just fall into place now.  You took the first and hardest step and keep up on that path and you will find whats right for you, him and your family.

 

Best of luck!

[BecomingaRiggio]

This sounds like a Hallmark card. I would hardly compare what LisaPoppy is experiencing to your fiance thinking of a guest book in the shape of Mexico. I think what she is experiencing is real anxiety and completely normal. The wedding planning part has been the most awful experience for me. It makes me grind on decisions, second guess myself, anxious. They say marriage , buying a new house, moving, death and starting a new job are the most stressful things in life..so i think its normal for her to feel this and I dodnt get the impressiom she was blaming it on her wedding planning. GNO with some killer heels and nice lipstick will make you feel alive..he will folllow!! Good luck!! Keep us posted LisaPoppy. We r rooting for you.

[LisaAnthonyPoppy]

Look, I don't need an opinion on whether or not counseling after only 4 years is a good sign or not. As a child I had to undergo extensive cognitive therapy counseling. And I was 12 when it started so what does that say? Was that too soon? I don't think so, in my mind it saved my life. And made me a fair person accountable for my actions. It made me understand me choices were my own. Judge not least you be judged. I think counseling will help Scott learn to provide better, and me to nurture what we have and not walk away. After much thought and thinking about the years we have spent together and WHY we spent them together I know in my heart he is meant for me and I for him. I guess when the planning fun phase ended it also put things back into focus and I started to pick apart every flaw, every thing I didn't like. I opened up to someone about it and he took advantage of me and was textbook sociopath. Look into it if you care to know what that means.,.Anyways I stopped that all and I had to tell Scott the truth and he was hurt. He recognized his weaker points and I made a vow to never open myself up to another person. I was wrong, After my confession, we decided it would be beneficial if we had a place we could talk without blame or judgement. Over the last few days I've been questioning the wedding, not our relationship, as so many of you have recognized in your posts. So thank you for you all for opening up to me and being real with me. Are we ready? What is ready? Is it my default tactic to run when I'm scared? Is it my mind that's being over critcial? What is it? I had a breakthrough on my yoga mat last night that carried into today. And I can say with confidence I should marry this man and I want to marry this man.And I will marry this man on June 2nd 2015. And I blessed that he accepts me and loves me and wants to be my husband, love, pain and everything in between. And we will grow together in any setting necessary to foster s healthy relationship. Thank for your time and your insight. I see that others can relate and that's like receiving a big hug. Makes me feel less isolated in my mind. I wish something good come your way.Goodnight.