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R&DVolz2011

Cold feet or Cancel Wedding? HELP!!!!!!!!

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I know this is an old thread, but I know that there's so many others that are going to read this for the same advice you were looking for.  I hope with whatever decision you made, you're doing well now.  

A friend once told me this quote... "dont settle for someone you can live with, settle with someone you cant live without"

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I can completely relate to this, I was getting married by default.I never really sat down and choose my future life partner. Things got finalised in August and  we were planning the wedding for December. We were friends from college but lost touch after graduating. We reconnected 2 years later. One really ugly fight made me start thinking (we were fighting prior to it too). I mostly didnt look forward to his calls or was paticulalry excited to hear from him. I realised I was so caught up with the wedding date and how convenient it would be for everyone to come and how happy my parents were that I forgot whether I really knew the guy I was marrying or whether I loved him. We fought over really petty issues, from money to what his mother said to what he thinks of my family (yeah pretty ugly). He texted saying "forget about the wedding" a month from it and that he couldnt be with some one as difficult and selfish as me. It caught me by surprise. mind you our entire relationship from aug onwards was long distance. I surprisingly didnt feel bad about him suggesting that, I even told my parents about the fight. Things just got worse. I realised that I wasn't sure if he was the one. I didnt know if i was attracted to him, when i met him in aug it felt awkward with him, the thought of kissing him freaked me out. And then I thought of the wedding night and I woke up with anxiety for a month. I didnt feel a comfort level with him. To add to the pressure he was still finishing grad school and wasnt paticularly financially independant. His parents were stressed about supporting him and then his wife would be a nightmare for them. There were constant trust issues and fights between the parents too. So amongst all this I decided to postpone the wedding. Was I crazy for doing it? Any feedback would really help.

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I am so glad I found posts like these. I hope it all worked out for you, but reading this post and the replies makes me feel better about what I am feeling (or less pathetic.. maybe selfish?). About two years ago my fiance was emailing women on a date hookup website, I caught him, he lied and lied and lied. I left. we worked it out, and moved on. Well, now, he has lied to me about going to strip clubs. granted I woudl've been pissed, why am I getting everything around for this wedding and budgeting and saving money... and hes out doing and paying for lord knows what. But not even that, he lied about it. He didnt contact me all night, I was worried sick and att told me where he phone was... NOT at the hotel sleeping like he said. and he lied. and lied and lied. 

 

My fear is, if you can lie so easily about that, what else can you do? I feel completely empty, i literally feel nothing toward him. We have been fighting a lot lately, and I wonder why he even thought it was a good idea to propose... or why we planned a wedding 18 months after that and not further out.

 

I really don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with him when I dont even want to talk to him...

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@@becassidy :( I'm sorry you are going through this. I guess the only piece of advice I have to give you is listen to that gut feeling you have. There is a difference between wedding jitters and doubting the person you are marrying. I for one could not stay with someone that I can't trust. Love and passion come and go but trust and respect is what makes things work in the long run. 

 

I have seen so many women settle when what they should have done is walk away. People don't change, us woman like to convince ourselves that a man can love us enough to change... but sadly it is not the case. If a man lies to you, he doesn't care about you enough. Harsh maybe but it's the truth. Don't be afraid to follow what your heart tells you. You will avoid future heartache. 

 

Hope you figure this out. Good luck. 

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@@becassidy

So sorry that you are going through this. But Lilian84 is giving some really good advice. Trust your own judgment and do what is best for you. Ultimately that's what matters.

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