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Speak to me of handling difficult BM behavior tactfully please!

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#1 VA_Bride

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    Posted 02 August 2010 - 01:25 PM

    I am looking for good advice as well as maybe some moral support.


    My fiance has been best friends with this particular individual since they were young teens.  Even though they live in different countries now they still speak once a week.  Its an interesting friendship.  While it really is special, even they can't be around each other for too many days in a row.  The best friend/best man is a generally good guy, who I like in some ways, and will continue to like for the sake of the fiance.  He is also loud, rude, hyperactive and generally obnoxious.  In small doses it can be OK and even amusing.  But, I am quite worried about him stealing the show, or at least trying to.


    Part of me says not to worry about something that has yet to happen, but how well do we listen to that part of ourselves usually?  At a recent party for us the BM gave a long winded speech that kind of went overboard.  He has already declared his intentions to do a speech/slide show at the wedding.  We don't even know how he could do the slide show but whatever.  I have expressed to the fiance that I would just as soon not have anyone give long speeches, just a short couple of words from a few people.  The fiance agrees but doesn't feel like he can call the BM off if he is determined.  OK, well, whatever, we will still have fun. 


    But... In addition to that he has a tendency to get louder and more attention demanding as a gathering goes on.  So say this does happen, how is it most tactfully handled?  I obviously want to be with my new husband at the dinner and party, and visiting with all of our guests.  What are some good tactics for politely reining in someone?  I am worried I will turn into the one trying to drag us or my FH away from the BM.  How does one prep the FH to grow a backbone and circulate to all when it may seem rude to his friend? 


    Any good thoughts from others who have a good family friend you do care about, but who can be difficult on group dynamics?



    #2 janapana

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      Posted 03 August 2010 - 12:23 AM

      Do you have someonelse going who can help you out with this? In the past i have had problems with my future inlaws, who are a bit on the loud and irritating side themselves, to put it mildly!, and my brother has been a superstar, helping to diffuse the situation, sort of acting as a middle man/ party organiser, so when he can see i´m getting stressed he intervenes and directs the attention somewhere else!

      Also over the years i have learned that where FI´s family is concerned, i have to use the chinese water torture drip drip drip effect to get fi to understand things from my point of view, (rather than just saying "your dad´s an arse, he´s doing my head in" - although i did try that at first, it made things worse!!!) now FI knows when his family are winding me up and tries to rein them in himself.

      (i also warn my friends in advance, and they sometimes help me out like my brother, or at the very least, know to laugh rather than take offense.)

      good luck

      #3 VA_Bride

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        Posted 04 August 2010 - 02:48 AM

        You know, that is a good idea about having someone "run interference" if necessary. The FI brother had to do that some at the party a few weeks ago and he will probably be on the look out for issues.  He is pretty tactful about simply entertaining the BM if he gets too loud and keeping his attention elsewhere. 


        Plus, after 3 hours of open bar my entire wedding might be a little loud and obnoxious!

        #4 janapana

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          Posted 04 August 2010 - 03:33 AM

          Originally Posted by VA_Bride 


          Plus, after 3 hours of open bar my entire wedding might be a little loud and obnoxious!

          lol! lets hope so!

          #5 Mrs.S2B

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            Posted 04 August 2010 - 04:28 AM

            maybe the DJ can help with this part....start music like they do with the Oscar's

            #6 lyndsay_h

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              Posted 04 August 2010 - 05:23 AM

              Haha, I like the oscar music idea

              #7 BecaJ

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                Posted 11 August 2010 - 02:43 AM

                I wouldn't let it worry you, if he does get that way he'll make an arse out of himself, not you.x

                #8 JanineA

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                  Posted 11 August 2010 - 07:36 AM

                  I think the idea of having a mutual friend or relative try to handle the BM is a good idea. Last week FI and I attended a wedding (there were two best men, my fi and an obnoxious childhood friend of the groom). Well needless to say the obnoxious one showed his colors at the wedding when it was time to give the speech, everything was going great, then it got long winded, then it began to get rude,he even went as far as to tell the mother and sister of the groom to both shut up (with clench teeth they were trying to cut his speech short), everyone was mortified. We kind of knew that he was obnoxious but everyone thought he would behave. Well he was slurring so much throughout his speech that my FI took the mic and said "Well we all thought the groom was the one who drinks out of nervousness seems like you did yourself in on behalf of the groom Todd old boy". There was a bit of nervous laughter and then my FI went on to give a wonderful speech about the groom which everyone praised him for after. The other BM was so bewildered when it all happened and the grooms father was able to divert his attention after my FI got the mic. I think having a person or persons there to keep him in check is good.....the music at the Oscars idea also sounds great!!!!!

                  #9 Monique

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                    Posted 12 August 2010 - 09:27 AM

                    I agree with the Oscar idea.....I say have the DJ cued to cut to a funny song or a song that EVERYONE loves which will completely drown him out and make him look insignificant...who wants to hear an arse when their jam is on?   No one!

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