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He wants out...


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#11 hockeymom97

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    Posted 04 June 2010 - 04:25 PM

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are going thru this! Just the wedding planning alone can be stressful enough, let alone trying to deal with this at the same time

    I think it's great that you are both going to counseling...that's a big first step. I don't know if I can really give any advice because I'm torn on this one. I tried to put myself in your situation and there's a part of me that says if he doesn't want to marry you, then you shouldn't want to marry him either. I mean who wants to enter into a marriage where you know the other person isn't happy and doesn't really want to be there?! But then there's the other part of me that says that no matter how you are feeling in this specific moment, you both love each other and this is just one of the many small bumps in the road that you need to deal with and overcome - you can work thru this...get married and be happy :) No relationship is perfect and to think otherwise is naive.

    I hope your counselor can point you in the right direction and I definitely wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.
    Heather & Eric ~ May 5th, 2011 ~ Beaches Turks & Caicos

    #12 JanineA

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      Posted 04 June 2010 - 04:34 PM

      I'm sorry to hear you are going through this but very happy that you are both dealing with it proactively and going to counselling. Lots of people just try to talk it out themselves, its good that you are getting help. Communicating for men can be hard and when a man truly loves you he will hide any amount of pain from you, try his hardest to provide for you and when he can't he feels like a failure. Keep the lines of communication open. I would say postpone until things are on an even track but I also understand your thinking since you sent invites already. Here is the thing, your friends and family will and should support you both on any decision that you make that is healthy for your relationship. Keep working at it but if it comes close to the wire and things are still not working evenly your friends and family will understand if you postponed. Good luck and hope things work out smoothly.

      #13 *Krista*

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        Posted 04 June 2010 - 04:38 PM

        I'm really glad to hear that you are seeking a professional marriage counsellor to help you. I'm sure if you bring up your concerns with the counsellor, they will be able to help you figure out whether he is doing/saying these things because he really feels inadequate and doesn't want to lose face in front of friends and family, or whether he is saying this because he has doubts about your relationship.

        I think if it's just a matter of him feeling inadequate for not having a job/providing for you, that is overcomeable, especially if he can find something else to focus his energies on that will make him feel like he is contributing and helping you out. If you can help him to boost his self-esteem, things will get better.
        July 10, 2010 ~ This was the day I married my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, and love... ~ Mrs. Allen

        #14 JennandMike08

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          Posted 04 June 2010 - 04:53 PM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by krista.baird
          I'm really glad to hear that you are seeking a professional marriage counsellor to help you. I'm sure if you bring up your concerns with the counsellor, they will be able to help you figure out whether he is doing/saying these things because he really feels inadequate and doesn't want to lose face in front of friends and family, or whether he is saying this because he has doubts about your relationship.

          I think if it's just a matter of him feeling inadequate for not having a job/providing for you, that is overcomeable, especially if he can find something else to focus his energies on that will make him feel like he is contributing and helping you out. If you can help him to boost his self-esteem, things will get better.
          Krista, thats the thing. I don't know HOW to boost his self esteem.

          But i do agree that hopefully she can decipher which one of the issues he has. I just asked him if he thinks we should postpone via text and he said no not yet.

          #15 hockeymom97

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            Posted 04 June 2010 - 05:12 PM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by JennandMike08
            I just asked him if he thinks we should postpone via text and he said no not yet.
            I think that's a good sign :)
            Heather & Eric ~ May 5th, 2011 ~ Beaches Turks & Caicos

            #16 sorord1

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              Posted 04 June 2010 - 06:27 PM

              I would say as an encouragement to you at least your man wants to work there are men out there that have no desire to obtain or maintain a job.

              Good luck at your counseling session tonight. It is a difficult task to get men to communicate with us. Maybe your therapist can give you some suggestions on how to work on that and on how to boost his ego. Im lacking in that area myself.

              #17 DiamondGirl

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                Posted 04 June 2010 - 07:56 PM

                So sorry to hear. I agree with everyone, you should post pone the wedding until you can work things out. However, if he said not to post pone the wedding, then that is a good sign. I believe he does want to marry you but the issues are getting in the way. Everything will work out. Be positive and keep your head up.

                #18 Jennybell1

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                  Posted 04 June 2010 - 08:24 PM

                  Im so sorry to hear this - I remember you talking on a thread about not having an Ering just yet bc of this situation, and Im sorry it has escalated to this. I can imagine how upset you may be but I agree that it may be best to put off your wedding. I know that is hard to hear and sounds impossible to do bc you want it so badly, but I can say from experience, I should have done that the first time around. I ended up getting divorced bc we didnt hold off on the wedding for different reasons, but similar in a way. I wasted all that money, time and put my family though hell bc I wanted my wedding. If I had only waited I probably would have called it off in the end. NOw Im not saying that is what is going to happen to you, but like I said in the last thread for you.....he needs time. He needs to get a job and then he will be able to think about a wedding. If he is contemplating suicide, this is the last thing that should be on your mind bc it is definitely not on his. He is sick right now and needs to get to a better place, and getting married is not going to make it better- it may just add to things for him. MOre pressure now that he is your husband to provide for you. THats the last thing he needs right now is pressure from what you have told us.
                  I know you dont want to postpone the wedding, but it sounds like the best thing to do under the circumstances. When you look back at where you are right now vs when you get married when things are better -you will be so much happier you waited. I promise!

                  Good luck and I hope the counsellor helps you guys along.

                  #19 eholt

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                    Posted 04 June 2010 - 08:48 PM

                    I am sorry to hear about this as well. Good to have the support of the forum. Is tough because men and women express themselves differently. Prayers to you and him as I hope all things work out. Trials only make you stronger. Stay encouraged.
                    May 19, 2011
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                    #20 anabrina

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                      Posted 04 June 2010 - 09:28 PM

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by JennandMike08
                      @SororD1 I did read that book, so I can try to understand where he is coming from. He is trying everything he can.

                      At the other ladies thanks for the support. We have 20 people booked so far and I cannot imagine having to postpone everything. That will not be fun because I know my family will not understand what he is going through.
                      What makes me so angry about it is that I ASKED him over and over after he lost his job. I supposed he thought he would be back on his feet by now. Even when I finished the invitations two months ago I asked "are you sure"...when I was at the mailbox putting them in I asked "are you sure".....he said yes...

                      I'm sorry this is happening to you... You are in a tough spot because your guest have book and paid money so you feel bad. The only suggestions I have for you, is for both of you to read a book called "Love and Respect." See your therapist weekly, and help him understand you are marrying him because you love him. Help him look for a job as much as you can. And lastly if worse comes to worse continue with the wedding but do a symbolic wedding just in case....You will have zero legal ties to each other.. Then if you want and everything works out you can legally get married at the court house.. The reason I say this is because if you put off the wedding, and then decide to eventually get married your guest may not take you seriously. And end up not going because they don't want to waste their money. These are the only suggestions I can think of. I hope everything works out, as you can see men are strange.... Continue to love and support him as much as you can and bite your tongue when you get pissed... I think if he really didn't want to marry you he would have told you when you kept asking him. I really think he is feeling insecure right now....

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