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He wants out...

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#1 JennandMike08

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    Posted 04 June 2010 - 02:46 PM

    I am going stir crazy. Its three months before our wedding and FI still has not been able to secure a job. He wrote me a long letter yesterday saying he is depressed and wants out of the wedding. He says he hasn't been able to provide for me the way a man should and its crazy that he can't do the things for me that he wants to. He says he has even thought about suicide. He's been doing little things to push me away and I got mad two days ago and didn't talk to him. We haven't spoken since the day before yesterday. We have an emergency appointment tonight with our pre-marital counselor. I'm both angry (pissed off) and sad, but trying to be empathetic. I don't know what its like to be a man without a job, trying to provide for a family. The issue isn't money because although we have one income, I make a decent amount to pay our bills. He says its more about being a man and I would never understand. I don't know how to approach this because part of me things its an excuse to get out, so I haven't said a word to him and he hasn't spoken to me either. Hopefully we can get some insight with our therapist tonight. She was on vacation so we haven't seen her in three weeks. In those three weeks we have undone everything she has worked us through.

    #2 knitgirl13

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      Posted 04 June 2010 - 02:49 PM

      i'm so sorry. i hope everything works out for you.

      #3 Cindy*

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        Posted 04 June 2010 - 03:01 PM

        I am so sorry to hear this. I hope that you are able to work things out in whatever way is best for you.

        #4 Norma83

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        • 173 posts

          Posted 04 June 2010 - 03:04 PM

          I'm really sorry to hear that you are having to go through this 3 months before your wedding.

          If it were me, I would put my wedding on hold until things are where they need to be between me and my fiance. I know it's hard but it just seems that his mind isn't right, right now. I think for a man, they want to be able to provide for their family and when the woman is "taking on the man role" they feel defeated. Like what is wrong with me? Why can't I get a job or why can't I take care of her? If you guys are really meant to be, things will work out. Ultimately, you are the one that knows him best. It could be that he's just overwhelmed or has a serious case of cold feet.

          I wish you the best of luck and I hope that things work out for you in the end.


          #5 sorord1

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          • 240 posts

            Posted 04 June 2010 - 03:05 PM

            I am so sorry to hear this! Men tend to break down if they cant provide for there families. They get moody when they dont have money. They handle stress differently than us. You guys are doing the right thing by going to talk to your therapist. I dont know how spiritual you guys are but prayer definitely works. Did you ever read Steve Harver's book "Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man"? He touches on this subject alot in his book. He says a real man will do everything in his power to provide for his woman. So your FI is probably having issues with the fact that he is unable to do so. That is definitely understandable. I pray that you guys can work through this situation!

            #6 hat0112

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              Posted 04 June 2010 - 03:26 PM

              I’m so sorry! Men are definitely sensitive when it comes to money. I think it is good that you guys are going to go talk to someone. Maybe you should consider postponing the wedding for now. If he is really depressed about money and not being able to provide for his family, getting married and stepping in as your husband might be putting too much pressure on him since he doesn’t have a job and isn’t able to provide the way he feels a husband should be able to. And if he is having cold feet, then again the wedding is putting more pressure on him and it might be good to push back the wedding and try and work through some things.
              Wedding 10/22/10 Westin Aruba

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              #7 KittenHeart

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              • 3,103 posts

                Posted 04 June 2010 - 03:54 PM

                So sorry to hear you're going through this! I agree with the other girls. You may want to get everything right get your foundation back as a couple before proceednig to a wedding.

                Just use good communication with him and understand he's stressed, if he wants to marry you, you'll work it out. Good luck!

                #8 vlynnw

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                  Posted 04 June 2010 - 04:15 PM

                  Sorry to hear you are going through this right now. I agree with what all has been said though. You may want to hold off on the wedding until everything is good again, and men have a tendency to become that way when they can't provide for their family, it's very important to them that they be able to be the provider.
                  Veronica & Adam - May 6, 2011 - Dreams Tulum

                  #9 Thomasjsgirl

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                    Posted 04 June 2010 - 04:24 PM

                    As scary as it seems right now Jenna, this is a big red flag. Getting married won't magically make things better, and if anything, the extra pressure could really make things worse. There's no crime in post-poning the wedding until you're both ready -- people do it all the time! Continue with the counselling and see where that leads you. It's the best thing for both of you right now. Good luck and please let us know how you're doing.
                    Lucy & Tom - Married 24.11.08
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                    #10 JennandMike08

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                    • 166 posts

                      Posted 04 June 2010 - 04:25 PM

                      @SororD1 I did read that book, so I can try to understand where he is coming from. He is trying everything he can.

                      At the other ladies thanks for the support. We have 20 people booked so far and I cannot imagine having to postpone everything. That will not be fun because I know my family will not understand what he is going through.
                      What makes me so angry about it is that I ASKED him over and over after he lost his job. I supposed he thought he would be back on his feet by now. Even when I finished the invitations two months ago I asked "are you sure"...when I was at the mailbox putting them in I asked "are you sure".....he said yes...

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