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Best friend not coming, EXCUSES!


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#1 JennandMike08

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    Posted 16 April 2010 - 10:16 AM

    You know, I completely get that we are in a time of financial hardship. Certain people may not be able to attend, and I get that, I do. Some people have other situations that prevent them from coming as well. When I planned my wedding, I had every intention of keeping myself NOT stressed over who is coming and who isn't. But when you make excuses and not be straight up, thats when I am ready to get angry. Just be REAL with me....

    My cousin and best friend was asked to be my MOH. She gladly accepted in the beginning. After a few months she first backed out of being MOH, then recently said she can't afford to come and its too expensive, but she would help contribute to the cost of my wedding dress (I guess to make herself feel better). At first I was really hurt, but I got over it. TODAY I log onto Facebook and GUESS WHO is going on a weekend cruise to the Bahamas? Yes, my very own broke cousin. She has ALWAYS been one to travel, finding various deals and such. So thats why I was initially bothered when she said she couldn't "afford" to come. This girl travels two, three, four times a year. I always told FI that if she goes ANYWHERE this year, I would be pissed. And here we are.

    I'm not sure how to confront her about it because I am very angry. I IMed her and asked "so you're going on a vacation?" She replies with a smile and says "yep going to Miami for the night and then weekend cruise to the Bahamas" WTF?!!! I couldn't even say anything. I don't want this to affect our relationship, but I feel it already has. How do I say something without coming off as selfish and a complete bitch?

    #2 Mere

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      Posted 16 April 2010 - 10:45 AM

      Oh dear-this sucks! In my opinion-honesty is the best policy and if she is truly your best friend-she should listen and care about your feelings. Good Luck to you!

      #3 ChicagoPT

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        Posted 16 April 2010 - 10:49 AM

        I would just ask her about it. If you dont it will always bother you. Is it possible someone she went with paid for it?

        #4 Thomasjsgirl

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          Posted 16 April 2010 - 10:52 AM

          Here's the thing, SHE's the one who is being selfish and a complete b*tch. Don't go down to her level. As you may have already read elsewhere on this site, this is a common problem. It's sad that a DW, which should be the happiest time in your life, often results in the showing of other's true colours. If she can't sacrifice one (or two) of her mini trips to go with you, and to stand up for you at your wedding, then her colours are out, loud and clear. I certainly don't want you to agonize over this, or her. People are who they are, and sometimes we just have to accept that and move on. The biggest shame is you may never regain your trust in her, but only time will tell. Unless she suddenly sees the light about her selfish behaviour and begs for your forgiveness, put her behind you and go get married!
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          #5 alison15

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            Posted 16 April 2010 - 11:04 AM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by JennandMike08
            You know, I completely get that we are in a time of financial hardship. Certain people may not be able to attend, and I get that, I do. Some people have other situations that prevent them from coming as well. When I planned my wedding, I had every intention of keeping myself NOT stressed over who is coming and who isn't. But when you make excuses and not be straight up, thats when I am ready to get angry. Just be REAL with me....

            My cousin and best friend was asked to be my MOH. She gladly accepted in the beginning. After a few months she first backed out of being MOH, then recently said she can't afford to come and its too expensive, but she would help contribute to the cost of my wedding dress (I guess to make herself feel better). At first I was really hurt, but I got over it. TODAY I log onto Facebook and GUESS WHO is going on a weekend cruise to the Bahamas? Yes, my very own broke cousin. She has ALWAYS been one to travel, finding various deals and such. So thats why I was initially bothered when she said she couldn't "afford" to come. This girl travels two, three, four times a year. I always told FI that if she goes ANYWHERE this year, I would be pissed. And here we are.

            I'm not sure how to confront her about it because I am very angry. I IMed her and asked "so you're going on a vacation?" She replies with a smile and says "yep going to Miami for the night and then weekend cruise to the Bahamas" WTF?!!! I couldn't even say anything. I don't want this to affect our relationship, but I feel it already has. How do I say something without coming off as selfish and a complete bitch?

            You also may want to look at it from a different point of view. Personally having been a BM in 7 different weddings over 5 years, it can be a bit annoying when any extra money you have and all your vacation time goes to being in weddings. Yes a destination wedding is a vacation too but it's not a very relaxing vacation when you have all the wedding stuff included. And as much as I love my family, I would never consider it a relaxing vacation if my family were all around me. I would need another week off to recover from that (j/k sort of).

            Depending on when you asked, she may have already had a deposit down on the cruise, or the cruise may be cheaper in the end.

            Just because they can afford it, it may not be the way the want to spend their money and vacation time, that always has to be a consideration when planning a destination wedding.

            #6 JennandMike08

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              Posted 16 April 2010 - 11:12 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by alison15
              You also may want to look at it from a different point of view. Personally having been a BM in 7 different weddings over 5 years, it can be a bit annoying when any extra money you have and all your vacation time goes to being in weddings. Yes a destination wedding is a vacation too but it's not a very relaxing vacation when you have all the wedding stuff included. And as much as I love my family, I would never consider it a relaxing vacation if my family were all around me. I would need another week off to recover from that (j/k sort of).

              Depending on when you asked, she may have already had a deposit down on the cruise, or the cruise may be cheaper in the end.

              Just because they can afford it, it may not be the way the want to spend their money and vacation time, that always has to be a consideration when planning a destination wedding.
              Allison, I get that. I do. But I expected this from some of my regular friends. Not someone who is practically like a sister to me.

              #7 *Nadine*

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                Posted 16 April 2010 - 12:12 PM

                I get what Alison is saying too, but my thing is that she never should have committed to being your MOH and coming to the wedding in the first place if she felt like she didtn want to be there. And then to back out as your MOH, followed by backing out of coming to the wedding at all is ridiculas. She should have just been honest with you and said ti was alot of money and she only has so many vacation days so as much as she would want to be there, she won't be able to go. Why can't people just tell the truth?! This happens all the time and we had alot of people do the same thing - granted they were not our best friends so i feel for you- its hard not to take it to heart but in the end the people WHO WANT to be there will be there, and those that don't, well its there loss Weddings bring out the best and the worst in people unfortunately. And its hard not to be jaded when the tables are turned towards them after.
                Chin up!!

                #8 bsf&jpg

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                  Posted 16 April 2010 - 12:15 PM

                  yea, maybe she found a good deal, BUT she should have made a real hard attempt at going to your wedding! people can SAVE $$$. You have the right to be upset! This is a ONCE in a LIFETIME event for yoU!!!
                  My best friend says she may not go to, Im so over it.
                  My FI's BestMan backed out because he couldn't "afford" to go but went to the courthouse and got married (WITHOUT TELLING US!) and went to PUERTO RICO!!!!!!!!
                  WTF?!?!!? But he can't come to MX for his bestfriends wedding!

                  At this point... Its just about you and him. that's all. I know we all want our special people there to celebrate and see the moment. but, its really about the two of you.

                  #9 Patourn

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                    Posted 16 April 2010 - 12:28 PM

                    While I understand where Allison is coming from the bottom line is it is still hurtful! We chose to have a DW because my FI family is extremely large....Dad is from a family of 14, mom is from a family of 12...with over 45 cousins who believe it or not are very close there was no way combined with my family we could have done it at home. We really wrestled with the idea of a DW because we knew and felt bad that not everyone was going to attend. In the backs of our minds we knew that we would be disappointed should some people not be able to come and I too promised I wouldn't get miffed and when it finally did happened I cried for 2 days. Our case was different then this of course and I think the reason that this hurts more is because it was kind of done sneaky and behind your back. If say you can't come because you can't afford it is disappointing to the bride and groom, but at the same time understandable. To say yes, back out of being MOH and then back out completely is just sneaky and hurtful. Honestly is the way to go. it's your wedding and at the end of the day will be about you and your FI. That’s what is important. Enjoy this special time as it hopefully only comes once. Hang in there! This is just 1 small bump in the road to a wonderful day and life ahead!

                    #10 JennandMike08

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                      Posted 16 April 2010 - 12:34 PM

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by Patourn
                      While I understand where Allison is coming from the bottom line is it is still hurtful! We chose to have a DW because my FI family is extremely large....Dad is from a family of 14, mom is from a family of 12...with over 45 cousins who believe it or not are very close there was no way combined with my family we could have done it at home. We really wrestled with the idea of a DW because we knew and felt bad that not everyone was going to attend. In the backs of our minds we knew that we would be disappointed should some people not be able to come and I too promised I wouldn't get miffed and when it finally did happened I cried for 2 days. Our case was different then this of course and I think the reason that this hurts more is because it was kind of done sneaky and behind your back. If say you can't come because you can't afford it is disappointing to the bride and groom, but at the same time understandable. To say yes, back out of being MOH and then back out completely is just sneaky and hurtful. Honestly is the way to go. it's your wedding and at the end of the day will be about you and your FI. That’s what is important. Enjoy this special time as it hopefully only comes once. Hang in there! This is just 1 small bump in the road to a wonderful day and life ahead!
                      Thanks. This means a lot. While it bothers me, I haven't had a chance to ask her how its possible she could be traveling. Even with airfare, what she would be putting toward my dress and her cruise, probably could have paid for her entire trip. If it were me, I would damn sure to do my BEST to be there for her on her special day. I'll get over it in due time. I can't help but feel like unless she has a GOOD reason for this, our relationship is going to be affected.




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