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How would you feel?

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12 replies to this topic


  • Jr. Member
  • 267 posts

    Posted 17 March 2010 - 10:28 AM

    Ok, so I just need to get this off my chest.

    I got engaged in June 2009. At the same time, my sister was pregnant and due in 3 months. Everyone was excited for the baby since it was the first grandchild of the family. I was excited for her too. My FI and I decided to have a DW in May 2010 to allow for family who were in school until April to attend. Everyone was agreeable to our DW and looking forward to a real family vacation. We made the decision back in July of 2009. I was on holidays in Sept 2009 and went dress shopping by myself and made/sent out invitations by myself. Shortly after I sent out our invitations, an out of town cousin announced her wedding plans being bumped up from 2011 to Aug 2010. (The entire extended family will be attending that wedding and only immediate family at mine.) Soon after that, my parents asked me who was sent an invitation and if I sent one to an estranged uncle. When I responded that I didnt (how am I supposed to know where he lives or how to address it - he's living with a new wife - that no one was aware of when they married), my father threw a fit and has since stopped speaking to me. In Nov, my FI and I decided to build a house. Come December my family decided to build one too. Our possession is June 2010, theirs is July. They are in the middle of cleaning, organizing and boxing up the current house in preparation for listing soon. I don't need to list current place of residence, b/c I am going to rent out my place and have already lined up a renter.

    I can't help but to feel like everyone's attention is being diverted all the time with everything going on (and I know ppl's lives have to move on and I'm by no means asking them to hold their plans) but I feel like I'm being put on the back burner. I also feel like an inconvenience by having a DW. Father in-law was not a citizen so he had to apply for all sorts of paperwork in order to travel. That whole family had to apply for passports. My sister has to travel with an infant now (bring diapers, bottles, toys, food, stroller, car seat), my brother who is a student has to pick up extra shifts at his PT job to pay for the trip, everyone has to take a week off work now. My parents both have to take a week unpaid b/c they don't get holidays at their jobs. Meanwhile, we all need money and time for the moves and to go to the cousin's wedding in another country.

    This DW was something I always wanted but it's starting to really feel like an inconvenience and a hassle. It's almost as if everyone (including myself some days) just wants to get it over and done with so that we can all move on with our lives. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be EXCITED to be getting married and going away AND being able to celebrate with the most important people in our lives, who actually WANT to be there.

    #2 svetayasofiya

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      Posted 17 March 2010 - 10:54 AM

      Hmmm... I think I understand how you feel. Thing is, you can't control other people's milestones too and like you said, you can't expect people to put their lives on hold either. It's unfortunate timing that you have to share this big time in your life with other family member's big moments too, but that's life. Try to be happy for them as well!

      If all your family is planning to attend your wedding, it is because they want to be there. I felt similarily to you... and even a bit while we were there. Leading up to the wedding I felt that our wedding date was an inconvenience in the middle of everyone's trip. But you know what? None of those people wouldn't have even taken that trip if it wasn't for my wedding. At the end of the day, not everyone is going to react they way we want, or gush and fawn all over our wedding. But if they really didn't care, or didn't want to go, they wouldn't pay the money to go.

      If it's something that you no longer want to do... then that is a different story. Your wedding should not be something you want done with already. Forget about everyone else and what's going on in their lives... focus on yours, and want you want and hopefully you'll find your answer.

      As for the estranged uncle... he probably won't come anyway, so if it would mean mending ties with your dad, then perhaps you should send him an invite out of courtesy. Just a thought.

      #3 KPEG

      • Jr. Member
      • 267 posts

        Posted 17 March 2010 - 11:05 AM

        Thanks svetayasofiya. I am in the process of finding out what this uncle's address is. I knew he wasn't going to be coming which is why I didn't even think to make an effort to send an invitation.

        How did the wedding trip turn out for you?

        #4 svetayasofiya

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          Posted 17 March 2010 - 11:16 AM

          Our wedding was really good! It was a blast having everyone around for a week (some for two!). In retrospect, I almost wished I picked a smaller resort so I could have seen people more... sometimes it was hard to find everyone! lol

          Just enjoy this time in your life as much as you can. It goes by so quickly. I am still fighting off the post-wedding blues! xo

          #5 AishaB

          • Sr. Member
          • 2,350 posts

            Posted 17 March 2010 - 11:26 AM

            KPEG, first let me say to you breath. Just breath. One thing I am learning in life right now with the struggle that I am going through is, just take a moment for yourself. With that said, I don't think that you should be feeling guilty about your DW. Life does happen, things do occur, changes take place all the time. But ask yourself these questions, when you and your FI first announced that you were having a DW and everyone was excited about it:
            (1) Did your in-laws need visas and passports?
            (2) Were your parents working at the same jobs?
            (3) Was your brother attending school?
            (4) Did your sister agree to come with the knowledge that at the point she would have a child?

            From what you've said, the changes that have occurred are your cousin's wedding and the houses being built. As family when we make a commitment to each other, that is exactly what it is, a commitment. And even though all the factors that you mentioned above existed everyone told you they would attend. You shouldn't try to carry everyone's load for them, you can only carry your own. If your parents didnt want to take the time off work, then they will tell you. If your sister thought it would be a hassle to travel with the baby, then I think she would have said. But it sounds like your family loves you and even though things are rough sometimes, they will be there.

            You have enough going on building a house, planning a wedding, work, and just life. Everything that you have said makes complete sense and you do have to think about other people. But if they have an issue with it, then they should say. If they don't then just let things be. As to your estranged uncle, just apologize to your dad and ask him if he has the address (sometimes eating crow is what we have to do to keep the peace even though we are not in the wrong).

            Hope I didn't go on to long

            BDW the best place for my TYPE A personality!

            #6 Island Bride

            Island Bride
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              Posted 17 March 2010 - 03:34 PM

              Sometimes I feel the same way, but in reality its what you and your fiance want -not them. If yall wanted a DW-have one! It will truly show who you mean something too, with the people that are attending.


              #7 *Nadine*

              • Sr. Member
              • 5,466 posts

                Posted 17 March 2010 - 05:34 PM

                I agree with the other girls. IT sounds like everyone is making the effort to come to your wedding and I think that right there shows that they are excited and its important to them. But life does go on and other things will come up b/w now and then so even though they might be focusing their attention on other things right now, trust that when they get to your DW they will be thrilled and have a fantastic time. Its YOUR wedding, noone will ever be as excited about it as you!

                #8 Ana


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                Posted 17 March 2010 - 05:37 PM

                ditto what Nadine said

                #9 KPEG

                • Jr. Member
                • 267 posts

                  Posted 21 March 2010 - 01:44 PM

                  Now they are talking about euthanizing our family dog who is almost 16 years old, mostly blind and arthritic because he can't be vaccinated before we go (due to his age) and kennelled. I can't help but to feel that if we weren't going on a DW, we wouldn't be faced with this decision for our dog. So much guilt around this wedding and I feel so selfish sometimes.

                  #10 jenninjamaica

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                  • 547 posts

                    Posted 21 March 2010 - 08:39 PM

                    Hey Girl! Sorry to hear you are feeling so glum!! I know how you feel about your DW feeling like an inconvenience. I feel like that from time to time and my FI always reminds me that this is what we want and in the end its only important that he and I are there. There is some concern that some of our guests won't be able to make it, including our parents and we would miss them, but we can't imagine our wedding anywhere else than in Jamaica.

                    I also know how you feeling about the lack of attention on your wedding. My FI's cousin is getting married in June and they have created such a competition that its not fun anymore. I'm afraid that a family rift is going to erupt over the socials (some family is boycotting theirs b/c their mom didn't come to ours) and showers (we are closer to many of the aunt's and they have said they are spending more on us). I just want everyone to be happy for us all. Sometimes family sucks! LOL

                    Just remember that you love your FI and can't wait to be his wife! No matter what happens, you found love and that is rare!

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