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Help! I think I hate my mother in law...


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#1 brandynd

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    Posted 20 July 2009 - 12:42 AM

    God I hope one of you has some words of wisdom for me. My fiance and I are getting married in just under six months, and I swear his mother is ACTIVELY TRYING to make me crazy. She always has to be the center of everything, and gives her two cents when it's anything but warranted.
    She has always been very cold and distant towards me, and won't even acknowledge my presence when Andrew is out of the room. It is just progressively getting worse. She continuously tells me how I should be doing things for the wedding, and everything that I want to do for our big day is nowhere near good enough for her, yet she isn't willing to fork over a dime to pay for anything, even the rehearsal dinner.
    I'm trying SO hard to be a good sport about everything, but it's difficult to be pleasant to someone who is anything but in return. We agreed to pay for her trip down to Mexico for the wedding (when I say we I mean Andrew) and what does she do? She books the highest room class available, and refuses to room with anyone else. Her trip cost us almost a grand more than our own, which wouldn't be such a big issue, but Andrew and I are both just finishing up college. We're trying to pay for our wedding and simultaneously save up for a down payment on a house.
    I'm at a loss. The woman is insane. She throws temper tantrums like a three year old, and calls Andy on average of 12 times a day (I'm not exaggerating, I've counted.) Things have gotten worse as of late, because Andrews father passed away about a month and a half ago. They divorced 20 years ago, and he served as a great buffer for us. Since he died she's been getting more and more volatile.
    I'm sorry....I don't mean to rant, but I'm so frustrated. I love my fiance more than anything in the world, but I don't comprehend how he came from such a cantankerous woman. Is there any way to politely tell her to back off a little without sounding like the fiance from hell?
    There is no better gift that can be given than the gift of ones self.

    #2 ~Nicole~

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      Posted 20 July 2009 - 09:23 AM

      OMG that sounds awful! I'm a bit of a sarcastic smart ass so if she was complaining about how something wasn't good enough for the wedding I would simply respond with something like "well, you know, its tough trying to pay off our school debt, save for a down payment on a house and start establishing ourselves. FI and I have decided to prioritize what we want" (or somthing along those lines). Say it with a smile on your face in a nice tone .... it will drive her nuts, especially if there are other people in the room because it will make her look insensitive, selfish and stuck up. As far as dealing with her about how often she calls and how involved she is in your life, I'd say that would have to be up to your FI. It wouldn't benefit you to say something to FMIL and cause a whole bunch of drama if FI is just going to keep allowing her to behave the way she does, KWIM? Good luck and keep us posted!
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      #3 courtney_b00

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        Posted 20 July 2009 - 09:30 AM

        Omg girl don't apologize for ranting because you have every right to. This lady sounds INSANE! First off, have you talked to your FI about this? I know that's the hard part but he needs to know how she treats you and I would discuss with him everything she does/says that makes you feel uncomfortable or upsets you. Then maybe he can talk to her about those things. If that doesn't work, I would straight up tell her that this is you guys' wedding and you are the ones paying, therefore although you appreciate her opinions (lie), you are going to do your own thing. If she keeps it up and still acts rude, tell her to shut her pie hole! Lol sorry but I can't hold myself back when I'm mad!

        #4 courtney_b00

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          Posted 20 July 2009 - 09:32 AM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Nikki07
          OMG that sounds awful! I'm a bit of a sarcastic smart ass so if she was complaining about how something wasn't good enough for the wedding I would simply respond with something like "well, you know, its tough trying to pay off our school debt, save for a down payment on a house and start establishing ourselves. FI and I have decided to prioritize what we want" (or somthing along those lines). Say it with a smile on your face in a nice tone .... it will drive her nuts, especially if there are other people in the room because it will make her look insensitive, selfish and stuck up. As far as dealing with her about how often she calls and how involved she is in your life, I'd say that would have to be up to your FI. It wouldn't benefit you to say something to FMIL and cause a whole bunch of drama if FI is just going to keep allowing her to behave the way she does, KWIM? Good luck and keep us posted!
          It'd be funny if you add to this..."well, you know, its tough trying to pay off our school debt, save for a down payment on a house, pay your expensive part of the trip, and start establishing ourselves. FI and I have decided to prioritize what we want" lol

          #5 YoursTruly

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            Posted 20 July 2009 - 09:34 AM

            I definitely empathize with your situation but I think that your FI, sounds sort of silent on the issue and needs to step in and create some boundaries. Mothers are the pillars of the earth and while I am sure he dotes on her, he needs to reign that out of control behavior in YESTERDAY. It sounds like you guys are trying to build on your financial situation so you do not need her making unnecessary budget blowouts to you guys budget. If you have to pay for her, YOU handle the arrangements. Cancel the reservation she made and book it in a room tha is more in line with her budget. I learned early on that straight talk bring straight understanding so you need to have your FI's support and your FI sit her down and settle this. If he does not nip this in the bud now, it WILL get worse. Se already sounds like she needs prozac now,more so in a few months and years to come. Trust me, it will wear you down emotionally, I know!

            Reset your budget together, talk to FI, get his support and let him handle his mother or let him know you will if he doesn't. But you cannot be confrontational about it. Good luck!

            #6 ~Nicole~

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              Posted 20 July 2009 - 09:37 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by courtney_b00
              It'd be funny if you add to this..."well, you know, its tough trying to pay off our school debt, save for a down payment on a house, pay your expensive part of the trip, and start establishing ourselves. FI and I have decided to prioritize what we want" lol
              LOL!!! Exactly! That would be the hidden message! I know, I'm horrible, but I would totally do that.
              *Formerly Nikki07*
              My Planning Thread

              #7 courtney_b00

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                Posted 20 July 2009 - 09:41 AM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Nikki07
                LOL!!! Exactly! That would be the hidden message! I know, I'm horrible, but I would totally do that.
                Lol I would do it too. But I don't like to put up with people's crap--especially when they think they can treat you like crap and get away with it. That's when you have to put your foot down and show them what's up.

                #8 becks

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                Posted 20 July 2009 - 10:38 AM

                Wow! That's tough. I'm not a fan of my MIL, and while she's neurotic, she's got nothing on your FMIL.

                I've got to second what some of the other brides have said. Your FI needs to set boundaries and stick with them - otherwise you just come off as the bitchy new DIL.

                That being said, you also have to start telling her (and have FI standing there backing you up when you do it) that she already had her wedding and this is your wedding and you'll do it exactly how you want.

                If that doesn't help, we'll round up a bunch of the BDW crew and toilet paper her house!

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                #9 Kristy!

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                  Posted 20 July 2009 - 11:33 AM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by YoursTruly
                  I definitely empathize with your situation but I think that your FI, sounds sort of silent on the issue and needs to step in and create some boundaries. Mothers are the pillars of the earth and while I am sure he dotes on her, he needs to reign that out of control behavior in YESTERDAY. It sounds like you guys are trying to build on your financial situation so you do not need her making unnecessary budget blowouts to you guys budget. If you have to pay for her, YOU handle the arrangements. Cancel the reservation she made and book it in a room tha is more in line with her budget. I learned early on that straight talk bring straight understanding so you need to have your FI's support and your FI sit her down and settle this. If he does not nip this in the bud now, it WILL get worse. Se already sounds like she needs prozac now,more so in a few months and years to come. Trust me, it will wear you down emotionally, I know!

                  Reset your budget together, talk to FI, get his support and let him handle his mother or let him know you will if he doesn't. But you cannot be confrontational about it. Good luck!
                  I second this. Couldn't have said it better myself.

                  #10 brandynd

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                    Posted 20 July 2009 - 02:10 PM

                    Thanks for the advice ladies! FI has stood up to Momma, but there's only so much he can say without her turning around on him and telling him how he's being so mean to her. She doesn't respond well to criticism at all, instead she turns it around and comes back at you with it.
                    Called this morning at 6:45 and woke us up to ask FI if he'd come put together some piece of furniture for her. She knew we didn't even get back in from Chicago until about 11 last night. WHO DOES THAT??
                    I don't even know what to do. I've tried being nice to her, I've even taken the approach of talking to FI about why she hates me so much, and what I can do to change it, but he just says that she's difficult, but she thinks I'm great. In what world do you treat someone that you like this way!? Call me crazy, but growing up in MY mothers home there were certain things you just did not do....like calling people at 6:45 for any other reason than that someone had died.
                    The woman is creating a giant wedge between FI and I. The other day I finally got mad. She came over and proceeded to tell me that my livingroom was a mess and that she'd get her cleaning supplies and come over and clean it so it was adequate. Okay....I had just been watching my three year old nephew all damn day. They make messes....that's what they do. And the mess was confined to a small area (I make him a play corner when he's over, so he doesn't thrash my house). Other than that, it was still immaculate, as FI is OCD and he can't stand it when things aren't where they should be.
                    The minute she left I called FI at work and told him exactly what I thought of his mother, in some not so nice words. I know, I know, I shouldn't have done that. But the woman makes Cybil look like the picture of mental health. Oh the next 40 years are going to be good ones...can anyone say monster in law?
                    There is no better gift that can be given than the gift of ones self.




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