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AnnaBanana

Get off my back!

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Okay, let me take a deep breath and then warn you that this could get long and ugly!

 

I have a year and a half to plan this wedding, so the fact that people are giving me crap this soon is sending huge red flags up EVERYWHERE. To start with, my dad and his second wife are in the middle of a divorce which is not ending well. She and I have never been close, and I feel that she is using my wedding as a means to get on my dad's good side because she has been emailing me and calling me constantly since she heard about my engagement. But that's another story for another day.

 

My fiance and I are from very different backgrounds and our hometowns couldn't be any different if we were actually from Venus and Mars. He was born and raised in Long Beach while I was raised primarily in a very small town in the countryside of Pennsylvania. We are currently living in Texas now where neither of us share family. So, naturally, when we were discussing wedding locations, it was difficult to choose which place to begin at.

We decided that neither of our families would feel comfortable attending a wedding in the other's hometown. The last thing either of us want is for our newly joining families to feel uncomfortable or put out in this awesome event. We want everyone to feel welcome and have a good time.

After consideration, we decided on a destination wedding because it seemed much easier and fun for everyone involved - including me and my wallet. Apparently not!

 

It started with my mother who gave me a million reasons why I should have it in PA. I responded with counterarguments. She eventually got over it when I told her the wedding would be in Mexico.

So, I told my dad about the argument with my mom. He has always been on board with the Mexico idea and has only had concerns over the fact that not everyone will make it. He is somehow really worried that I am going to be hurt if people can't make it to Mexico. I'm a big girl, though, and I realize that it is an expensive investment that not everyone can make. This is why we have AHRs.

So, after these discussions with my parents, I finally thought I had it under control until I got an email from my step-mother today.

I was so offended by it, that I am actually going to post a quote from it:

"Your dad always thought Pennsylvania was the best place. Although we haven't talked about in a lot of detail, he thought it would be most convenient for any guests you invite, with the exception of Chantra's family - but all your friends and family."

 

Am I the only one that sees the blatant disregard for my future husband here? Does this mean that Chantra (my fiance) and his family are not important enough to be considered? I mean, he's only the fricking GROOM.

Why aren't people getting this?

Why did my step mother even BOTHER to write this in the first place? She and my dad don't live in Pennsylvania and neither does any of their immediate family. The only people who would benefit from this location are my mother and the three siblings of hers who still live in the area plus the few friends in my hometown that I have invited who are ALREADY ONBOARD with the Mexico idea.

If that's not enough convincing, well how about THIS:

The only way to have a non-denominational wedding ceremony in my hometown is to have it at the justice of the peace who does NOT do weddings outside of his office, which means that the only other option is to have a religious ceremony. Fine for my family who is Christian, but Chantra's is Buddhist!! How offensive is that?!

 

What I really wish is when people say "It's your day, do what you want," they don't actually mean, "It's your day, let me tell you what you want."

 

Get off my back, and get off the subject, or I swear I'm uninviting the next jerk that brings it up.

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I've also come across family members who say "It's your day, do what you want, BUT make sure you do this..." It can be so frustrating! Ultimately it's you and your fiance; easier said than done but don't lose track of what's most important to you.

Be careful requesting opinions from people. Once you know what THEY want it makes it hard to go against it.

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I'm a bit confused about the last part w/ the non-denominational wedding? Are you talking about your legal day or if you had your wedding at home? I definitely hear you on this one! Seriously I know its hard, but let it slide when people make comments.

 

So here is background and hopefully I can make this clear. Joe's (FI) mom was married to Lex a thai man who is buddhist (I'm not sure what kind of buddhism Chandra's family is). Lex and Joe's mom had 3 children, Joe's older siblings. they divorced and Joe's mom remarried to Joe's father, who raised the other 3 children, tj was only 1 1/2 when they got married. Joe's mom is lutheran, his father is agnostic, and the 3 older children are buddhist. we know all about mixing religions! For Malee, Sean & tj buddhism isn't just a belief, their family is very high up in thai buddism so its their blood. Only one of them has been married, to a lutheran who didn't practice until all of a sudden just recently. Malee, the oldest of the 3, is engaged to a Christian man, and although they aren't concerned about how their ceremony will go their family is really stepping in on how it should go. Well we really aren't on this side cause there is no room to talk. they have decided to incorporate both religions with aspects of each and say FU to what their family thinks. they've come to realize no matter what as long as the religion of one is incorporated the other family will be upset. So I say do what you want respect each other and include both or don't incorporate either religion At ALL!!

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacilynda View Post
I'm a bit confused about the last part w/ the non-denominational wedding? Are you talking about your legal day or if you had your wedding at home? I definitely hear you on this one! Seriously I know its hard, but let it slide when people make comments.
If we were to get married in my hometown in Pennsylvania (which is where everyone keeps pushing for), we would be unable to have a non-Christian wedding anywhere but the JP office. At least, this is what my MOH said as she went through this last year and ended up having a Christian ceremony - but I feel that would be really disrespectful to Chantra's family when there are other options for us, you know? Not that it matters at all anyway, because I don't want to get married in Pennsylvania - period.

Quote:
So here is background and hopefully I can make this clear. Joe's (FI) mom was married to Lex a thai man who is buddhist (I'm not sure what kind of buddhism Chandra's family is). Lex and Joe's mom had 3 children, Joe's older siblings. they divorced and Joe's mom remarried to Joe's father, who raised the other 3 children, tj was only 1 1/2 when they got married. Joe's mom is lutheran, his father is agnostic, and the 3 older children are buddhist. we know all about mixing religions! For Malee, Sean & tj buddhism isn't just a belief, their family is very high up in thai buddism so its their blood. Only one of them has been married, to a lutheran who didn't practice until all of a sudden just recently. Malee, the oldest of the 3, is engaged to a Christian man, and although they aren't concerned about how their ceremony will go their family is really stepping in on how it should go. Well we really aren't on this side cause there is no room to talk. they have decided to incorporate both religions with aspects of each and say FU to what their family thinks. they've come to realize no matter what as long as the religion of one is incorporated the other family will be upset. So I say do what you want respect each other and include both or don't incorporate either religion At ALL!!
Chantra's family is Cambodian, and while he is not a practicing Buddhist, his parents are. I am unsure of what branch, and to be honest I am not that familiar with the religion at all. However, I completely agree that if both religions aren't included, they shouldn't be incorporated at all. I'm glad to see that I'm not crazy to think this!

I really appreciate the advice. I sometimes forget that it's my wedding with all the people offering opinions!

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Its a crappy situation to be in. I'm English and Michael is American, so I feel you on the location problem. Hence the reason we chose Mexico.

 

Ive chose a hotel thats a really good price (from England for 2 weeks all inclusive and flights its 1150 pounds about 1850 USD) but it seems like a great place (Catalonia Rivera Maya).

 

Invite the people you want to be there. Dont let people push you or try to make you feel guilty. If people are going to cause any problems I would rather not have them their spoiling our day. If people really care, then they will be polite and repect your decision.

 

When religion is involved then it just makes it all that more important to keep it as nuetral as possible. So for what its worth I think you are doing the best thing.

 

Dont listen to your step mother, easier said than done. But just remember.......your not that fussed about her anyway, so why let her unpset you?! LOL Theres to many important people in your life to let one person affect,effect or infect you.

 

Go away take the supportive loved ones with you. If you feel the need then tell people that when you get back from your perfect, chilled, stress free wedding, you will get together in each home town for a nice dinner and few drinks.

 

Do what makes you happy! Lifes to short and you only get one wedding day.

Good luck.

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All I can honestly say is do what you and your FI want to do, it is your wedding. Stick to your guns and eventually people will understand and if they don't then there really isn't anything you can do about that. Please don't listen to your step mom, but if you are really worried about it you should bring it up with her and/or your dad. What she said really doesn't make sense, how could she not even think about you FI family?

From the beginning we knew we wanted a DW, we are from different hometowns, and neither of us are really rooted there anyways, so we figured it wouldn't even mean anything to us if we got married at home. We were both prepared for peoples complaints and excuses not to come, and eventually understood it was typically all part of having a DW. Now reflecting back, I couldn't imagine getting married any other way! Everything was what we wanted and it created such a relaxed, exciting and comfortable feeling for us on our wedding day :)

Maybe try talking to your families and explain to them why you want a DW. Good luck and enjoy your planning, things will eventually calm down :)

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I agree with the rest of the ladies. It is yours and your FI day no one can take that away. Both my FI and I know not all of our family will be able to make it but that is why we are having an AHR just like what you are thinking. Try and take what people say with a grain of salt. Just because they are feuding does not mean that they have to include you in the fight. It was also hard for me to get my parents on the idea of a DW wedding however now they are excited. My mom HATES with a passion getting to the spot (ie flying/driving) but once on the ship she will be fine. Just hang in there. Not everyone will agree but when it comes down to it, it is your day with your FI. Good luck and hugs!.

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First things first, CONGRATS on your engagement and welcome to the wonderful world of wedding planning. lol

 

Now...for your problem.

 

Can I suggest just one thing in terms of how you might look at this...exchange in order to help you deal with it without so much anger?

 

If you take a look around the forum here...ESPECIALLY this one, there is venting ALLLLL around about issues to do with family not approving of the idea of a DW, fiance's and just generally making us brides miserable. You are definitely not alone! So the thing I'd like to point out to help in your case is this; at least your dad cared and respected YOUR feelings enough not to burden you with his opinion. I'd personally take that to mean that he wanted this experience to be one that was happy for you, start to finish and while he has his own opinion, he cared about you and how you would TAKE his opinion enough to keep it to himself. Or at least only discuss it with his significant other. That's HUGE and I soooo wish people would do that.

 

Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you're doing. they are your family and their ONLY job in their minds is to worry about YOU. That's not fair. It's absolutely not fair and totally disrespectful to your relationship, BUT..it's still reality. They don't know your fiance from a can of paint and until they get the opportunity to GET to know him and love him...they aren't going to really give a crap about his feelings. That sounds awful, I know (and I'm known for being blunt, so pardon if that offends...sincerely). But it's the truth. They have had your entire life building a bond with you, loving and worrying about you. Just because you are now 1 half of a whole now in your mind, isn't going to change the way they look at things. At least not overnight. It's unfortunate, but it's going to take time. They are going to selfishly worry about THEM and those important to THEM making it to your wedding.

 

I say, cling to the support your dad is giving you and let him keep his opinion to himself. He doesn't love your fiance yet...hopefully he will grow to love him and want to safeguard his feelings as much as you do one day...for now, he's not there and at least had the good sense and grace not to burden you with his opinion.

 

Ignore it and move on with your planning...happily. DW's seem to bring out the beast in a lot of family and friends, moreso than at home weddings for some reason. People just start throwing out their opinions as if you asked and it's not going to stop probably until everyone is booked, packed and on the planes. lol Just hang in there.

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Thanks for all the advice, ladies. It's nice to hear support for a change.

 

I was able to calm down enough after writing that post to respond to people as politely as possible. I took everyone's advice here and pretty much let their "advice" roll off my back with a statement, like, "I realize that people think that PA would be much easier, but we have our hearts set on a destination wedding." I don't think it needs much more explanation, but if that is not good enough for some guests, they are welcome to stay at home and be grumpy about it.

 

So again, thanks! It is much appreciated. :)

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BillysBride View Post
If you take a look around the forum here...ESPECIALLY this one, there is venting ALLLLL around about issues to do with family not approving of the idea of a DW, fiance's and just generally making us brides miserable. You are definitely not alone!
So true...

If my mom disagrees with me, she tells me, "well, so and so is doing it wrong".
We all have to develop thick skins and say Thank you for your imput. I'll take it under consideration....
As for the religion thing. I'm a completely non practicing Jew, and my FI is nothing. We will have a completely non religious wedding ceremony with no mention of God. I thought my mother was going to have a heart attack when I told her, but .....that's how WE want OUR wedding. She will get over it.
Stay strong!

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