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No one to invite...

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#1 Vikki

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    Posted 07 May 2009 - 09:41 PM

    Ok...I'm going to be vulnerable for a minute here *deep breath* but this is really bothering me and I don't really know who to tell.

    So I'm kind of frustrated about traditional wedding events like a bridal shower. My friends are either male or live in other parts of the country so it would just be a bunch of my mom's friends and relatives and maybe a couple people from work. My closest friend is gay and he's going through a period of time where he's frustrated that he can't experience getting married so even though he's happy for me and he tries not to let on I know it hurts him to be reminded all the time. One of our other friends is getting married and has really thrown it in his face. My other closest friend (also a guy) lives in LA and only comes back a couple times a year. He's happy for me but, let's face it-he's a guy and somehow I can't see him sitting around popping wedding mints drinking punch with my mom....

    I had to make some hard choices and change my life a couple years ago and as a result I broke off relationships with almost everyone I had known for most of my life. While I miss many of them I couldn't continue to carry on the relationships without continuing the behavior. Then I worked full time and went to school full time which left little room to build new friendships.

    I don't really mind having a smaller social circle most of the time. I've been able to turn my life around and now for the first time I'm excited about my future-but as this engagement has progressed I've been a little sad hearing about engagement parties and bridesmaids and stuff, knowing that had I chose a traditional wedding I wouldn't have anyone to ask to be part of my wedding party.

    Anyway-I'm just hormonal this week and I guess my Mom asking me about throwing a bridal shower kind of brought it up and I've been dwelling on it ever since. I'm sure now that I've gotten it off my chest it won't bug me as much.

    Anybody else gone through this?

    (I'm probably going to wish I had an undo button for this post when I start feeling less dramatic lol)

    #2 tdmitchell

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      Posted 07 May 2009 - 10:01 PM

      I congratulate you for making the hard decisions and sticking to them! Your life is more important than who attends your bridal shower. You will meet new friends who can and will share the new you and your new life with you! I think you are a strong person and life will only get BETTER for you! Keep your head up. We are all here for you and you can always invite us to the party!!!!

      #3 sjmacphe

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        Posted 07 May 2009 - 10:22 PM

        Although I am not in the exact same situation I know how you feel. I am in a different city than all of my family (which is small to begin with), I do have a decent number of close GFs here now (I moved 3 yrs ago), but I feel sort of at odds...I have lost touch with a lot of my old long time friends and I am so busy now it's hard to really develop a lot of the friendships I want to build on. So, even though I'm not having the exact same experience as you I can sympathize - you're in transition and things are changing for you. It's ok, just be thankful for the close friendships you have and continue to help those blossom (even if they aren't the 'typical' girlfriends, you could still have a bachelorette party!).

        #4 dodds

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          Posted 07 May 2009 - 10:54 PM

          My situation is not like yours -the bulk of my friends aren't male- but I do know how you feel.
          I came to tears when my mom brought up the idea of a bridal shower. I don't like being center of attention and my friends are aquaintances so I didn't want to impose on anyone.
          My mom kept reminding me of ALL the showers she's been to, and wanted to invite those ladies. She wants them to reciprocate. She couldn't understand that if I (not her) can't look the gifter in the eye to say thank-you as I open the gift, I'd feel like all I want is the gift. (I would have had to ask my mom as I open each gift, who it was from.)

          I cried so much. In the end, mom realized that I really did not want this and decided to enjoy the thought that she didn't have to stress over planning a shower. She realized it's my wedding and I'm doing this differently than most of my cousins (I'm the first to do a destination wedding.)

          (thanks for listening, that was actually kind of therapeutic writing it out --I always had a little bit of guilt that I didn't let my mom do this for me)

          #5 Vikki

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            Posted 07 May 2009 - 11:23 PM

            Originally Posted by dodds
            (thanks for listening, that was actually kind of therapeutic writing it out --I always had a little bit of guilt that I didn't let my mom do this for me)
            Funny how that works huh? I'm glad you were able to get through to your mom.

            After thinking it over I think I'll go ahead and let my mom do the shower, I do love that my extended family would like to travel to be there and I know all my mom's friends that watched me grow up would love to go-I think I just need to change my perception of what it "should" be like and just enjoy what it will be.

            See-my drama queen moment is coming to an end-I'm having rational thoughts

            Thanks gals! This forum is the best, and waaaaay cheaper than therapy.

            #6 KimmyG

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              Posted 07 May 2009 - 11:24 PM

              I feel like I'm there with you. My friendships have changed so much over the last few years too. I don't have a solid group of "Sex and the City" girlfriends, maybe that'll come later in life? In the meantime, I'm going to have 3 cousins be my bridesmaids even though they live scattered around (none within driving distance of me) so they won't be doing anything to help with the wedding. I even went DRESS SHOPPING all by myself. (it wasn't so bad!) As far as engagement party/bridal shower/bachelorette party, I was thinking about skipping all of them. I don't need a "me party" to know who loves me. Real friends, guys or girls... as few as they are, will be there for you when you need them and that's enough for me.

              #7 starchild



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                Posted 07 May 2009 - 11:39 PM

                I'm glad you were able to get that off your chest! Don't fret, nothing about the way we choose to get married is traditional and whatever kind of shower you have will be the one for you. The shower will be fun and so what if it isn't full of your friends, it will still be memorable. Congrats to you for recognizing that you needed to move away from certain people and sticking to it! Best of luck :)

                #8 Destination Scout

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                  Posted 07 May 2009 - 11:41 PM

                  I understand completely. I've been a single mom for 13 years and never developed any real friendships in that time. I moved to a new state to be with my fiance when he proposed (I had lived in CA and he lived in AZ) and moved away from my family and co-workers. I had to pay for my mom to even attend the wedding. My dad wouldn't even come even though I offered to pay for his flight. One of my co-workers in my new office threw me a bridal shower. It was small, and I didn't know many people but I was touched by the fact that I even received that. I really found that I couldn't dwell on the fac that I don't have normal relationships. That's just not who I am - but it did make me sad if I thought about it for too long.

                  #9 Negril Bride2Be

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                    Posted 08 May 2009 - 12:03 AM

                    I can really relate to you. The whole process has been a emotional and financial struggle. Where do I begin? I am 25 years old and just recently ended a 15 year friendship with my best friend due to negativity. We went through everything together womenhood, elem, middle, and high school. I live in Houston and lost my job due to Hurricane IKE and couldnt get another one being pregnant with my now 4month old daughter(1st child). FI is providing the only income which is why we chose a DW since it would be cheaper. We paid for our trip (air&hotel) through a well known travel company here only to find out that particular TA was a scam artist that used the company's logo to gain customers for his personal gain and now we are working with the local police agency to catch him (fake name) and hopefully get our money back. After this we decided that we should cancel the wedding and I became deeply depressed almost to the point of no return. FI has decided the show must go on and that we weren't going to neglect ourselves for other people's wrongdoings and bills. I have always wanted a friendship circle like Sex in the City and Girlfriends but hey we can't always have it our way. No one else is coming due to their own problems and finances and I am even giving my own bridal shower. But I prayed for strenght and for God to show the way!. I am going to make the best of my wedding no matter what shortcomings we may have. I want, deserve and need this wedding/vacation and nothing is going to steal my joy. Keep your head up and enjoy your wedding even if it's only the two of you. If you have to scream, cry, beg, pray it's okay: it's your wedding day. Stay strong Comgradulations! Best Wishes!
                    Live, Laugh, Dance in the Rain!:

                    #10 fudgie

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                      Posted 08 May 2009 - 07:50 AM

                      I totally see where you are coming from. I was in a similar situation and it really bothered me durings points. My DH nor I have really kept in touch with our "life long friends", we have moved a couple of times in the last few years and haven't had the opportunity to gain new solid friendships. When I use to think about who would come to our wedding it really upset me. Anyways, as the wedding got closer I cared less and less. I related back to why we are getting married and why we are doing it the way we are. I decided to stop thinking about "how it should be" but instead realized that this is our life together and our path and really I couldn't be happier :)We ended up only having family attend the wedding (and all mine, but that is another story) and I loved every part of it! We didn't have a wedding party either.
                      I am glad you are going ahead with your shower. My sister and cousin threw me my bachelorette party (I moved back to a small town in the area of where I grew up til I was 10), it was mostly my family and sisters friends and a couple of people that I went to elementary school with. It was so nice to have people around that knew my family and people that I didn't see in 15 years, it felt special :)
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