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HELP!! FUTURE IN LAWS..sorry I need to vent~!!!


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#1 ericaandsy

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    Posted 29 May 2008 - 12:39 PM

    OK..not quite sure where to start this vent.BUT FIRST OFF I'M SORRY THAT THIS MESSAGE IS REALLY LONG
    I'm at the point right now that as cruel as it sounds I wish my fiancee came without parents..i know that sounds harsh.
    My fiancee is NOT close with his parents, we maybe see them once every other month.
    My fiancee is Laotian. I have NOTHING against his culture what so ever! I grew up in a mixed culture family...my mom is from Mexico. I love the fact that our future family will grow up learning about our two cultures. So this deffinitly has nothing to do with the fact that my fiance's family is asian. My fiancee and I dated over two years before he proposed, and in that time his parents havent tried to get to know me. We have a hi &bye relationship but that is about it. They have made comments infront of me about why he doesnt marry an asian girl. I've learned to brush that aside. I have gone WAY out of my way to try to get to know them..not even going to go there. But still nothing works. When I'm around they do not speak english infront of me. It drives me nuts because I would love to indulge in conversation with them. Everything they do gets the excuse that its a "cultural thing"

    On the other hand...my parents ADORE him. My fiancee is my dad's golfing buddy. We spend more time hanging out with my family then we ever have with his. It's sad because he is closer with my parents then his own.He has conversations with my parents that I know he would never have the guts to have with his own. My parents were thrilled about us wanting to get married in Mexico, because thats how they were married.


    When we first broke the news to his parents about wanting a destination wedding in Cancun they were actually excited. THANK GOD!! We had just gotten back from Acapulco, so we brought pictures and shared our plans about wanting a ceremony somewhere in Mexico. They kept asking questions and shared about how excited they were to have a wedding that was different than others. We have kept them up to date about hiring a TA and about choosing a resort, and they have been nothing but happy for us.

    SO after Monday I am now furious and really confused. We went out to eat with my fiancee's parents and a few other family members on his side. During our meal they shared about different places that they plan on going to next year for vacation. I looked at my finacee somewhat confused so he asked them "well what about our wedding"? His Mother than laughed and said something in laotian to his aunt and then said Mexico...so I knew she was talking about the wedding. His Dad then shared that they arent sure if they will come. All along they have said that they would be there. Our first worry was that they wouldnt be able to afford to come to our wedding, so that is one of the main reasons we decided to get married in Oct 2009...it gives time for them to save $$ to join us. Well after sharing their vacation plans...money is not the issue. Im confused, shocked, embarassed...etc. BUT most of all I just feel horrible and sad for him. Whether we were married in Laos, Mexico or here in MN it wouldnt be a question to me...my parents would be there. I don't understand how our wedding isn't a priority to his family!!!!
    After we left the restaurant driving home, he shared that my family is enough family for him to be at the wedding. STILL I feel horrible for him,and it almost makes me feel like we should change our plans. I wouldnt be able to go through with my wedding day without my family there. He still wants to go through with our plans, but I cant help but stop and be really worried!!
    We are having a intimate ceremony the weekend before we leave where we will be officially married by the justice of the peace, and his parents said that that's good enough for them to be at. So they will technically see us get married. AND once again them changing their mind is a "cultural thing".
    Do we just give up and get married at home

    I've been careful in what I say because in the end this is his family, and I dont want to say something hurtful. But inside I want to scream! I'm not sure what to do, and all of this has deffinitly taken the excitement away. Any advise would be great...

    Again sorry for the long vent!!!

    OH and ..our parents have NOT met yet..my Mom CANT WAIT so that will probably be a future post!!

    #2 MoonPalacePookie

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      Posted 29 May 2008 - 12:48 PM

      Do not change your plans for these people, it is your wedding and your decision. I feel terrible for your FI, but the way these people sound, they will figure out a way to ruin your wedding if you have it at home. My FI is in a similar situation, his mom can't decide if she wants to come to Cancun for our wedding, he was hurt at first, but since decided that he is going to do what we want and if she doesn't want to be there, that's her problem. I think its wonderful that your parents are so kind to your FI, between you and them, he will have the support he needs to enjoy his wedding without his parents. As for them, it doesn't sound like a cultural thing, they sound like extremely difficult people and not very supportive parents (I'm trying to be nice).
      Robert & Eugenia

      July 23, 2008

      #3 Ana

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      Posted 29 May 2008 - 12:57 PM

      Erica I'm so sorry that you're going through this its super shitty and I can totally relate to you. My FI's dad and his girlfriend are the same. He actually had the nerve to tell us we were spending too much money, that we were not focusing on the marriage and only on the wedding, and that we were making this into an "event". Well no shit! it is an event.

      Honestly I think that its futile to try and understand why people are the way that they are. If you did understand it then you would be more like them, and you're not. You're a caring, loving person who wouldn't miss out on her child's special day, or any other day for that matter. So you're probably never going to really understand why his parents are the way they are...and that's a good thing. Its a tough time for him, and even if its something that he expected or is used to (that's what my FI says), its still not OK. Be there to support him and encourage him in his decisions. If his family wanted to be a part of your wedding then they would make the effort, but as such, there is no use trying to change your wedding to accomodate them, in the end they'll be equally as heartless. Remember all the people in your lives that are super excited for you guys, and for your wedding. Try to focus on the good and not the bad. And remember that when you do have your own family your FI will be an amazing father because he will want his kids to have everything that he didn't.

      k that's my rant for the day...lol! sorry my message was so long

      #4 Dez921714

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        Posted 29 May 2008 - 12:58 PM

        I understand what you're going through. While not exactly the same, I have FIL issues going on also. We are actually paying for FI's sister and mother to come so that they can't use $$ as an issue not to be there.

        FI has said things like "you're family will be there, adn they are my family too now...so my family will be there" but you knwo it's not the same.

        I wish I had more advice for you. Part of me wants to say blow up at them and maybe they will get the hint, and the other part of me wants to say bite your tongue but do everything physically possible to get them there. The last thing you want is for FI to look back on your wedding day and have regrets because his family isn't there.
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        #5 caroline

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          Posted 29 May 2008 - 12:58 PM

          Oh my... how awful. But as your FI said, your family is enough family for the both of you. Who needs toxic people like that in their lives?!

          I can imagine how hard it is for you. But you have made every effort and attempt to be accommodating. We're my FIL's to speak in a foreign language in front of me on a regular basis?!! Lo and behold. I would not put forth the effort you very obviously had and would let my FI know (in no uncertain terms) that he could visit with them, as and when HE wanted to. &*#$ that! How dare they be disrespectful to you in that way!

          And as MPP suggested, they sound like the type of people that would ruin the day WHEREVER it may be. I'd count my lucky stars they weren't showing up and move forward as planned! I hope it pans out okay!

          #6 jajajaja

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            Posted 29 May 2008 - 01:01 PM

            HELL NO don't change your plans. It's so funny as I was reading this I was like "wow- this reminds me of my own life." I am not close to my IL- for no good reason either. It's not a cultural thing . But we are VERY close to my family and my DH talks to my mom like every day on the phone and barely talks to his own mom. We have nothing against his family- it just works out that we are closer to mine. His family wasn't sure if they were coming to our wedding. It broke DH's heart but I know he really wanted the wedding in Mx. We talked about it if it was a deal breaker- I left it mostly up to him because it is HIS family. It might have been a deal breaker if my parent's said no- not that they ever would. His family ended up coming last minute.

            If I were you- leave it up to your FI. He is the one with the ultimate disappointment. I know you are upset for him, but it is his parents. If he is ok with continuing on, then do it. Don't let his parents upset you any longer. At this point, it's their loss.

            As for your private ceremony prior to leaving, I don't know if I would let them come. They sound like assholes and I totally wouldn't want them around raining on my parade. If they can't be supportive they shouldn't be there!
            Happily married since 2008

            #7 beachbride08

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              Posted 29 May 2008 - 02:01 PM

              Don't change your plans! If your FI is really still for having the DW without his parents there then you should stick with it. It is your day, do what you want.
              Michelle

              #8 KLC77

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                Posted 29 May 2008 - 02:01 PM

                I can totally understand where you're coming from. I actually have a GREAT relationship with my inlaws and they would be at our wedding no matter where we asked them to go. MY parents on the otherhand, not so much. We are doing a very private legal ceremony with a JP here before we go to Mexico. If I told my parents that we were doing it they would NEVER come to Mexico. They haven't taken much time to get to know my fiance- even though we lived in an apartment attached to their house for over a year!

                I agree with pp, don't change your plans. Being someone who is in a similar situation to your fiance I know that I would still go thru with them even if my parents decided not to attend and that my fil's would really be enough family for me to be there. I would believe your guy when he says it would be enough. Its a crappy situation, but really the day is about you and your future husband and you should do whatever makes the two of you happy.
                ~Kelly

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                #9 Hartyt509

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                  Posted 29 May 2008 - 02:09 PM

                  Do not change your plans because you'll make a rod for your back that will last for ever.

                  I can't stand my in laws and it borders on pure hatred at times lol FI has actually said if they dont come he isn't bothered they are getting the option and its "shit or bust"

                  If FI has said he still wants to go away GO - stuff them if they can't make the effort dont you either.

                  Can you learn his language? that would be class when they are gobbing off to reply to them lmao

                  #10 IrieBride08

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                    Posted 29 May 2008 - 02:22 PM

                    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think that you and FI should really focus on making your wedding about the two of you. Focus on planning a wedding that celebrates your love and union and don't worry so much about the family aspect.

                    I had similar family issues (my parents weren't supportive of my engagement and resisted getting to know my FI) so I went this route. Every decision and choice I made for our wedding was for and about us alone--whether my parents liked it, decided to attend or not. I really worked out in the end because at my wedding, they really ended up coming around and completely changed their tune. They have been raving about the wedding to all their friends since they've been back and my father pulled Michael aside during the wedding trip and said he regretted that he didn't take the time to get to know him before that point. I almost passed out from shock on that one! LOL!

                    As the wedding gets closer, they will come around. This is a once in a lifetime event and despite what they're saying right now, they won't want to miss it.





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