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I need advice - annoying ex of FI


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#41 Debs

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    Posted 16 April 2008 - 01:13 PM

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JennyK
    I can guarantee she doesn't "want" my FI. It's the fact that before me, she counted on my FI for EVERYTHING. They always hung out, were each other's dates to everything.. and once I came into the picture, he wasn't as accessible to her. Now there was another girl in his life (me) and she had to be pushed to the rear. I don't think she liked that much. I honestly think that's why she's trying so hard to sabotage us.. because she wants her buddy back and be his "number 1" chick. He's made it very clear to me that he loves me and only sees her like a sister.. and its me he has to live with not her.

    Ok, so this explaination reminds me of my relationship with Chris when we first got together, but the 'other' girl was his sister! Which was a little more sticky than it being a friend. She was insanely jealous because before me, they did everything together. It put me in a tight spot because I didn't want to deny them their bro/sis time, but it was Chris who was finally growing up and didn't want to go out clubbing every night of the week and spend more time with me.

    A LOT has happened in 6 years and she STILL resents me. Oh well. What the hell can you do? I've tried being nice to her, be her 'buddy' but honestly, she's not a nice person, so what do you do?

    Anyway, back to your situation. I like his idea of getting together the 3 of you to talk. Either for out to dinner or out for drinks or whatever (dinner at your house might seem like you are ganging up on her). It's a great idea to clear the air between the 3 of you to be sure that you are all on the same page.

    :)

    #42 jajajaja

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      Posted 16 April 2008 - 01:17 PM

      I personally wouldn't have a little chat to discuss this with the 3 of you. How awkward and uncomfortable. I think the best way to go about it is for you and your FI to discuss your boundaries. After that, I'd treat her civily and that's it.

      If you don't want a friendship with her, why bother trying to work it out so you can all be close? Once she realizes that your FI isn't ok with the way she is acting, hopefully she will get her crap together and start being a real friend to him- ie. not trying to cause problems in his relationship! After he sets those boundaries, hopefully this will allow you to get used to the idea of seeing her and not always have this game of competition.
      Happily married since 2008

      #43 Kat81

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        Posted 16 April 2008 - 01:24 PM

        I would skip on the "chummy" dinner as well. Just talk to your FI about the boundries. Say you don't mind being civil with her but you won't put up with wrestling or them chillin' drinking without you. Then this weekend have it be the beginning of your hi how are you bye relationship with her.

        #44 hollisandsteph

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          Posted 16 April 2008 - 01:38 PM

          I feel keep your friends close but your enemies closer! IF he feels the need to be friends with her as much as you would hate it, befriend her! Then you will always know what is going on and noone (she particularly) will have to hide anything from you! If you make him not be her friend (even though if he knows you feel strongly about it, he should not even want to) then he may resent you and see you as controlling. You don't have to sit back and watch her try to slime her way in. Make it seem like it's your idea to be friends and she doesn't get the satisfaction of getting to you! That may be part of the whole chase for her- getting to you. If it doesn't appear to get to you then she will get nothing out of it. I hope that makes sense!
          BTW, sorry if I got in alittle late on this!

          #45 PenMarie

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            Posted 16 April 2008 - 01:47 PM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by LC_Rachel
            I personally wouldn't have a little chat to discuss this with the 3 of you. How awkward and uncomfortable. I think the best way to go about it is for you and your FI to discuss your boundaries. After that, I'd treat her civily and that's it.

            If you don't want a friendship with her, why bother trying to work it out so you can all be close? Once she realizes that your FI isn't ok with the way she is acting, hopefully she will get her crap together and start being a real friend to him- ie. not trying to cause problems in his relationship! After he sets those boundaries, hopefully this will allow you to get used to the idea of seeing her and not always have this game of competition.
            Quote:
            Originally Posted by LC_Rachel
            I personally wouldn't have a little chat to discuss this with the 3 of you. How awkward and uncomfortable. I think the best way to go about it is for you and your FI to discuss your boundaries. After that, I'd treat her civily and that's it.

            If you don't want a friendship with her, why bother trying to work it out so you can all be close? Once she realizes that your FI isn't ok with the way she is acting, hopefully she will get her crap together and start being a real friend to him- ie. not trying to cause problems in his relationship! After he sets those boundaries, hopefully this will allow you to get used to the idea of seeing her and not always have this game of competition.
            Rachel got me thinking: can you imagine the 3 of you having this "pow wow" to discuss differences or whatever...and your FI in any way, shape, or form -- even for one second on one measily matter...taking up or defending her to you in front of her....OR, for that matter, telling you in front of her that you should/should not feel/act a certain way towards her...oh, yeah, that'd get me boiling, and would only give her more fuel for her fire -- I wouldn't put myself in that position and give her the satisfaction of that possibly happening. Another good reason not to have the meeting --- #1 being, she should have nothing to do with your relationship in the first place.

            Any I love Kathi's "hi, how are you, bye" relationship starting this weekend...too funny!

            #46 JennyK

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              Posted 16 April 2008 - 02:10 PM

              everyone has given me amazing advice - it's what I needed to see things differently and know how to approach him and be cool about it. I usually fly off the handle when I get heated but everyone has given me good pointers. My final decision is going to be to be civil with her but that's it. I'll have this talk with him tonight for sure.......

              #47 Hartyt509

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                Posted 16 April 2008 - 03:06 PM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Debs
                Ok, so this explaination reminds me of my relationship with Chris when we first got together, but the 'other' girl was his sister! Which was a little more sticky than it being a friend. She was insanely jealous because before me, they did everything together. It put me in a tight spot because I didn't want to deny them their bro/sis time, but it was Chris who was finally growing up and didn't want to go out clubbing every night of the week and spend more time with me.

                A LOT has happened in 6 years and she STILL resents me. Oh well. What the hell can you do? I've tried being nice to her, be her 'buddy' but honestly, she's not a nice person, so what do you do?

                :)
                I sooo know that feeling lol my ex husband was exactly like that! He and his sister danced so close the DJ at our wedding thought they were the ones that got married lol needless to say we didn't stay married ! and when we split up she got his wedding ring (a trophy i think lol) anyway I got even I saw her in a night club a few weeks after we split and I'd had rather one or 2 and she ended up breathing through a toilet - good job m8s pulled me off lol Sorry Hijacked!!!

                I think you have to just be really brave, take a deep breath, stay calm and lay it on the line to FI. He'll listen if you are calm and rational rather than really annoyed and hysterical. Then if you do see her be really really really sickly sweet, she'll wonder what the hell is going on lol

                Then when she is least expecting it get her on her own and beat the living crap out of her lmao JOKING - well maybe I would but you seem nice lol

                It'll work out honestly just stay calm even if you are raging inside. x

                #48 BarefootBride

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                  Posted 17 April 2008 - 03:50 AM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by JennyK
                  You hit it right on the head. He did say to me,"I won't be close to her like we were, I just don't want to feel uncomfortable anytime we come in contact with her." He suggested we invite her over for dinner or something and just talk things over and clear all the animosity. That way we all can understand each others feelings. I can guarantee she doesn't "want" my FI. It's the fact that before me, she counted on my FI for EVERYTHING. They always hung out, were each other's dates to everything.. and once I came into the picture, he wasn't as accessible to her. Now there was another girl in his life (me) and she had to be pushed to the rear. I don't think she liked that much. I honestly think that's why she's trying so hard to sabotage us.. because she wants her buddy back and be his "number 1" chick. He's made it very clear to me that he loves me and only sees her like a sister.. and its me he has to live with not her.

                  Wow shes like freakin Izzie on Greys Anatomy!!! OMG!! Its G.A all over again.

                  #49 JennyK

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                    Posted 17 April 2008 - 08:46 AM

                    HE actually brought it up last night before I got the chance. We faught about it a bit (him claiming that girls are caddy lol) but we came to the conclusion to be civil with her. He said obviously he won't be friends with her, he just doesn't want to feel uncomfortable if she happens to be where we are.. I'm fine with civil. I'm not an evil person so I can't be completely mean about it..

                    #50 Kat81

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                      Posted 17 April 2008 - 09:51 AM

                      I'm glad you got to talk about it. Just see how it goes this weekend and you can feel out how it will be. Good luck! And rock that dress!




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