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Can I ask for a back-up bridesmaid?


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#1 Celina

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    Posted 29 January 2008 - 03:24 PM

    Hi Ladies,

    I'm in a predicament and am not sure what to do. My sister and best friend are my wedding party. My best friend is my MOH, my sis is my BM. Well, my sister is currently unemployed. Her and her husband have 3 kids and we (my FI and I) don't see any financial windfalls coming their way. As of right now, they are trying to start their own business and it's a huge investment.

    I have talked to my sister about going and she is optimistic about going, and wants to take the kids. She is going along with me with all the details and planning. We have an appointment to try on BM dresses on February 9th. Like I said, she is optomistic that she is going. However; If just her and her husband go I know that they still need passports, cost of wedding attire, flight and hotel, etc. Just that alone is going to cost them $1,500 for them two - tack on three kids and spending money and the cost is higher.

    My FI thinks I should ask my other friend Irene (who we know is going) if she would be my back up in case my sister flakes out at the last minute. I'm not sure what to do. Irene knows my sister's financial situation, but how do I ask her ?

    THEN - Irene's mom has cancer. She told me upfront that the only way she wouldn't go is if her mom got sick during that time, then she would be obligated to stay here to take care of her.

    I dont know what to do. My FI has his two best friends lined up and they are both for sure things. Any help?

    Thanks!
    Celina

    How do I ask my friend
    "Love is not who you live with...it's who you can't live without"

    #2 Alyssa

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      Posted 29 January 2008 - 03:29 PM

      hi celina,

      that is a tough situation. i have to say i would not ask someone to be a back up.

      first question - can you and your FI financially help your sis with her room or airfare or something?

      2nd - what is the liklihood that both of them won't be there - there is nothing wrong with having 1 BM and 2 GM

      i think asking someone to be a 'backup' is a bit degrading and self-centered (just my opinion)! it's kind of like - "oh you didn't like me enough to ask in the 1st place but now you need the numbers"

      #3 foxytv

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        Posted 29 January 2008 - 03:32 PM

        Can you not just ask her to be a BM anyway?

        Or another scenario, what if you just have MOH if your sis can't go?

        You don't have to have even sides.

        I think your sis is definitely being a BM in spirit so, even if she can't end up going, I would still consider her an honorary BM and include her in the program, etc b/c being a BM is much more than just being there that day ... and it certainly sounds like she is going the extra mile for you!

        #4 Spazz

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          Posted 29 January 2008 - 03:36 PM

          I think you should either ask her to be a BM (not as a back-up) or not ask her at all. There is nothing wrong with having uneven # of BM and GM, so you shouldn't worry about that.

          #5 jajajaja

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            Posted 29 January 2008 - 03:36 PM

            Personally I would be offended if a friend asked me to be a back up. It's not cheap being a bridesmaid either- especially a DW one. Not only do they have the attire to pay for but the trip as well.

            We have 2 BM and 1 GM in my wedding. I don't think numbers have to be even.

            Maybe your sister will come. I have noticed with a lot of people that couldn't make our wedding didn't lack the money, but lacked the priority. Maybe your sister has planned to make your wedding a priority and will do whatever it takes to get there. To help, maybe you could help compensate her attire. Just an idea. :) You will figure out what works best for you, but I really wouldn't be worried about the numbers being uneven. Especially at a DW- everything goes!
            Happily married since 2008

            #6 Celina

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              Posted 29 January 2008 - 03:47 PM

              I know - I have thought of all of everything each of you have said. My sister has great intentions but I'm just not sure if she'll come through. Irene has been a friend of mine since high school and I totally feel like she would feel 2nd class and I DO NOT want to make her feel like that either.

              My FI wants to make sure we have the even number on both sides. I would help my sister out, but when I see how much money she has pissed away and she isnt even trying to help her husband with the bills, it makes it harder to justify for me to spend my hard earned dollars to help her out.

              I know they are behind on bills and she is optimistic that things will work out for her, I just don't see it happening.

              How do I convince my fiance that it is okay to have his best man, and a groomsman and me only have a MOH?
              "Love is not who you live with...it's who you can't live without"

              #7 foxytv

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                Posted 29 January 2008 - 03:57 PM

                I was asked to be a BM in a wedding many moons ago at the last minute -- and it didn't bother me at all.

                Perhaps b/c we were relatively new friends at the time, so in that sense I was honored to be asked.

                I just had to pay a TON to get the former BM's dress taken in for me.

                Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

                I think FH just needs to understand that girls probably think about weddings much differenly than men and to as her 'after the fact' is more insulting since you have been friends for so long.

                #8 Celina

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                  Posted 29 January 2008 - 04:01 PM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by foxytv
                  I was asked to be a BM in a wedding many moons ago at the last minute -- and it didn't bother me at all.

                  Perhaps b/c we were relatively new friends at the time, so in that sense I was honored to be asked.

                  I just had to pay a TON to get the former BM's dress taken in for me.

                  Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

                  I think FH just needs to understand that girls probably think about weddings much differenly than men and to as her 'after the fact' is more insulting since you have been friends for so long.
                  You said it perfectly...Thanks!
                  "Love is not who you live with...it's who you can't live without"

                  #9 rodent

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                    Posted 29 January 2008 - 04:02 PM

                    double post

                    #10 rodent

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                      Posted 29 January 2008 - 04:03 PM

                      I would definitly not ask her to be a backup. I think you have to work on convencing your FI that it's ok to have mismatched numbers. Tell him people do it all the time now. I think guys tend to have strong opinions about wedding stuff when they haven't really thought about it. It's more important to not hurt feelings than to have your wedding look a certain way. Also, if you piss off a bridesmaid, they can really make things difficult for you. I've seen disgruntled bridesmaid not bother getting their dress on time or not taking care of alterations. I've seen them up infront of everyone in a mess of a dress. it will be all wrinkled, too big, or too long. Just because they got angry witht he bride & didn't want to deal with any more bridesmaid stuff. Also as someone who has been a bridesmaid 9 times, I know it's really easy to get your feelings hurt. it's a tricky situation and if a bride doens't handle it right you can really get hurt. It can easily go from an honor to feeling bullied. They can pick out dresses that are too expensive, demand too much of your time, or boss you around.




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