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advice needed - groom's bro's gf

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#1 1elephant

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    Posted 28 January 2008 - 10:48 PM

    i desperately need advice!!!!!!
    my bachelorette party was this past sat. night...a few close friends went into nyc for dinner, drinks, etc.....
    included in this group of close friends was fi's brother's girlfriend. they've been together for 4 1/2 years, and live together....fi's family HATES her...she's growing on me, but she lack social graces that normal people have (saying please and thank you), and doesn't really know how to talk to people.
    however, she communicated well with some guy at a bar on saturday night - so well that she was tongue wrestling with him in the bar. she admitted to me that it wasn't the first guy she kissed since she's been w/ fi's bro, and also admitted that she's still annoyed at fi's bro b/c he got a lapdance at fi's bachelor party....we literally had to TEAR her away from him to get her to leave.
    i grabbed her, and took her to the b-room when i saw what she was doing. i asked her if she knew what she was doing and if she wanted us to 'save' her. she said no, she liked this guy, she knew she shouldn't but he was so cute she couldn't resist.
    i told fi when i got home; he didn't care...he thought it was effed up, but said we shouldn't tell his bro b/c it wasn't our business. i feel like it's my business - they are talking marriage and i was there, watching....this isn't a friend of a friend, or something like that - it's family now. my best friend said i should tell the girlfriend that she really needs to fess up. fi says if i really feel a moral obligation to say something, i should wait until after mexico (so about 4 weeks)...i also thought about having my best friend or my sister slip in mexico, b/c they have no attachment to any of these people.
    so what would you do? i'm so confused!
    (sorry so long, and tia for any advice!!!!)

    #2 jean-marcus

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      Posted 28 January 2008 - 10:58 PM

      okay you should VERY MUCH so tell the brother what you saw. if my girlfriend of 4.5 years was doing that id want to know. if he so doesnt care then that will be his messed up relationship he has to deal with but i would want to know. how to tell him is gonna be difficult. you didnt happen to haps have photos you could show and OOPSIES she was just in the background making out or something?? either way you should tell him

      #3 foxytv

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        Posted 28 January 2008 - 11:02 PM

        IMO, the brother should be told. If it comes out later and he finds out you and your FI know, that could be a very bad scene ... but I think of it in terms of would I think I had a right to know if I were him. I would. I would deserve the chance to make a decision on how to handle it.

        #4 trisha0612

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          Posted 28 January 2008 - 11:15 PM

          Okay....I totally think the brother needs to know!! What I would do?? Press the issue with FI! It's his brother!!!! How does he not feel the need to tell his brother?? What I wouldn't do is wait until Mexico. Do you really want to deal with any drama while you guys are down there?? I'm not sure whether to wait before or after the wedding though..that's tricky. Seriously talk to FI about how he would feel if his brother kept something like that from him. Then let him decide...
          Travis & Trish
          Tulum..uhh I mean Cancun, MX

          #5 BarefootBride

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            Posted 28 January 2008 - 11:23 PM

            if fi says no, dont tell his brother, then dont. do you think the bother would want to know? Would that change his feelings for his gf or would that make him p;ed off at you? i would ask him if he would want to know.
            Something like that happened to me and my friend when she came to visit me. But I wouldnt tell her husband. Now they are happy with 2 kids. I can only imagine what their lives would be like if I had told.

            #6 neen

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              Posted 28 January 2008 - 11:31 PM

              I'm in the minority here, but I think its best to leave the situation alone. Its not really your place...you told your FI, balls in his court now - if he thinks his brother needs to know, he'll step to the line and tell him.

              #7 amyh


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                Posted 29 January 2008 - 12:30 AM

                As much as I want to say that you need to tell FI brother, I'm not sure if thats the best thing to do. Your FI doesn't want you to say anything and you did let HIM know. Now, if he changes his mind, then I think you should tell him with your FI's support. Telling him now may cause too many issues b/t you and your FI.

                #8 Spazz

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                  Posted 29 January 2008 - 12:54 AM

                  I think you should call the girl and let her know that you are telling him about it and give her the chance to tell him first. See how she reacts and go from there.

                  #9 Spazz

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                    Posted 29 January 2008 - 12:55 AM

                    I think you should call the girl and let her know that you are telling him about it and give her the chance to tell him first. See how she reacts and go from there.

                    #10 Maura


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                    Posted 29 January 2008 - 01:47 AM

                    ok, since your wedding is so close, my advice is 1) to not tell your BIL (at least not yet) -- you want to avoid bringing any drama down to mexico for your wedding. If you tell in advance, or you tell down there, then your day is going to become about BIL's cheating whore of a GF. if she kisses random guys in bars, and has the balls to do it in front of you, let's consider what she would do behind his back when you arent there to observe. you dont want people talking about that at your wedding. or worse, you dont want the revelation to happen at your wedding either, causing them to fight and BIL to be very unhappy at your wedding and ruin your family photos.

                    2) if your FI does not want you to tell his brother, dont. you have to respect that. case closed. however, if you feel morally obligated, which i wouldnt blame you - i would too, i would also avoid having your sister or whoever slip and say something at your wedding. that is going to create a whole lotta drama you dont need on your day. my suggestion is that after the wedding, you personally take it up with the girl and tell her it really upset you, and that if she doesnt tell her BF then you will. give her some kind of time frame, and you can also tell her your FI knows about it and is prepared to tell his brother (she doesnt have to know the whole truth). she will be so scared that hopefully she will confess on her own. if she doesn't, well then you have to decide what is best for you and your FI to do in telling your BIL.

                    good luck, its a sticky situation for sure. let us know what you decide!

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