Any tips in terms of dealing with parents who make you feel guilty for having a destination wedding?

[harkatea]

My parents are the same way!  But his family has to fly in from England, Cambodia, and Dubai.  And to be frank, I'm not going to let his family fly all the way around the world for a few days in freezing cold Minnesota.  So we decided on Thailand (a place both he and I have been a few times).

[TammyWright]

My mom is here and I just asked my mom to answer this:

 

 

 

At first I was very mad that you were getting married in cabo.  Since I am traditional chinese I wanted a chinese banquet at home like my friends and family had for their children.  Mexico was so far away and we thought it was going to be expensive, but when we showed up at the resort everything was all-inclusive.  All the food, drinks, 24-hour room service, a great pool.  We all had such a great time eating gourmet meals all day long and not having to worry about paying for anything once we got to the resort.  Most of the family had to travel for your wedding whether you had it at home or in Mexico so it was nice that they got to travel to a great vacation spot.

 

Also, instead of just spending 1 night with my family and friends that had to travel far for the wedding we spent up to a week with everyone.

 

It was the best wedding I have ever been to.  Everyone had such a great time and once you averaged in the cost of NOT having to pay for food and drinks it was very well priced.  Now I tell all my friends and family that are planning a wedding to have it at an all-inclusive resort because then it will be a vacation for everyone.

 

[greysgirl]

We initally planned a DW in Mexico for our close family and friends, and after hearing lots of opinions from (mostly his) family, we chose to go get married just the two of us.  Yes, family is very important to us.  But what was most important, was us realizing that we were going to start our life together the way WE wanted.  We are still having a big AHR 2 weeks after we return, but are so excited that it will be just us in Maui.  We're still getting grief from his mother about "not being included" in the wedding, etc.  One way we have chosen to deal with comments like this is to say that "we hear your opinion, and respect it, but we will make the decision that's best for the two of us."  We decided to have our ceremony videotaped, and we'll show the main parts of it at our AHR.  We also are going to Skype with our parents as we're getting ready. 

 

I think what it comes down to, is that you're adults.  Like it or not, you will make decisions in your life that are right for you two that may not be what your parents desire.  They will have to learn to respect that.  Or, they can chose to be resentful.  Either way, it doesn't have to be your burden to bear.  Maybe ask yourselves what's more important, having a DW, or being married in front of ALL of your family? 

 

Best wishes and I'm sorry that sometimes adults forget to allow other adults to make their own decisions.

[knitgirl13]

It's been a very stressful planning period for us too.  DF really wanted his mother to be there, but she was just saying it wasn't a good time for her, etc. etc. even with offers to help pay for her trip.  His extended family (aunts, uncle & cousins) already had another trip planned during that time and tried to push us into having it later in the summer (regardless of the fact that it had to work around our work and my school schedules)  My family isn't coming either, so essentially we're eloping and just going show people photos and video when we come back.  The DC area is expensive as all hell and I'm not going to go into debt for a wedding i'm not excited about when I could have a gorgeous one for less than half the cost somewhere beautiful and romantic.

[deannamarie85]

 

 

Originally Posted by mandys 

 

This is a difficult situation. I understand that sometimes there are people that cannot attend your wedding, but when parents are unable to attend then maybe you should really sit down and weigh things out. From the information you have given, and if I were in your shoes I think I would reconsider the Destination Wedding and do it locally. Just make sure you go somewhere amazing for your honeymoon. Goodluck.

 

 

Something similar happend to us, and we chose to still have a DW with just the two of us but then when we return we will have a formal reception. i couldn't picture celebrating my wedding without my parents. Good luck

[ThatsRanunculus]

 

Thanks for the support everyone!  

 

We have a lot of complications in terms of planning this wedding:  I'm Canadian, my fiance is American.  We're currently going through the K1 Fiance(e) Visa process for me to move to the United States and it places restrictions on us - we have to be married in the United States and we have to be married within 90 days of me arriving in the US.

 

Since we have family all over the place (Toronto, Vancouver, Winnipeg, Colorado, St. Louis, Chicago, Hawaii and California), everyone has to travel to go to our wedding anyway.  Our legal marriage has to happen so quickly, my fiance and I thought of just having the civil ceremony in Minnesota, then having a proper wedding later on in May once I'm settled in.  As a compromise, we thought it would be ideal if we had family and friends who can't come to Hawaii to see the civil ceremony instead.  However, because it has to happen so quickly, and we don't know when it would be (we have no preset date as to when I'll get the Visa) it's difficult to plan to have people come to this.  We chose Hawaii because we both have some family there, it'd be a nice place in the US to get married that's warm and lovely (instead of cold and wintry Minnesota), we'll have time to plan it properly, and we can have a wedding and reception that would cost a lot less than in Minneapolis.   

 

I appreciate the issues you all have raised in terms of family but I definitely agree with greysgirl on this one - we're adults.  And we should be able to start our life together the way we want to.  

[JayKay]

I'm sure no matter what you chose to do it will always be special to you, and Hawaii is truly a beautiful place!  Good luck with everything!
 

Originally Posted by ThatsRanunculus 

 

Thanks for the support everyone!  

 

We have a lot of complications in terms of planning this wedding:  I'm Canadian, my fiance is American.  We're currently going through the K1 Fiance(e) Visa process for me to move to the United States and it places restrictions on us - we have to be married in the United States and we have to be married within 90 days of me arriving in the US.

 

Since we have family all over the place (Toronto, Vancouver, Winnipeg, Colorado, St. Louis, Chicago, Hawaii and California), everyone has to travel to go to our wedding anyway.  Our legal marriage has to happen so quickly, my fiance and I thought of just having the civil ceremony in Minnesota, then having a proper wedding later on in May once I'm settled in.  As a compromise, we thought it would be ideal if we had family and friends who can't come to Hawaii to see the civil ceremony instead.  However, because it has to happen so quickly, and we don't know when it would be (we have no preset date as to when I'll get the Visa) it's difficult to plan to have people come to this.  We chose Hawaii because we both have some family there, it'd be a nice place in the US to get married that's warm and lovely (instead of cold and wintry Minnesota), we'll have time to plan it properly, and we can have a wedding and reception that would cost a lot less than in Minneapolis.   

 

I appreciate the issues you all have raised in terms of family but I definitely agree with greysgirl on this one - we're adults.  And we should be able to start our life together the way we want to.  

 

[MJB3172012]

I ditto what Royal Bride said. 

 

We also went through this.  Mostly from my FI's fam.  "Your grandparents won't be able to go, how can you expect ppl to pay that much to see you get married".  This is YOUR wedding.  It is about the two of you.  We almost changed our minds because of all of the negative feedback.  In the end, how sad would I be looking back and knowing we didn't do what we truly wanted to.

 

Everyone will have an opinion on how they could better plan your wedding.  No matter what, you can't make everyone happy.  Remember that this is about you marrying the love of your life.  Do what will make you two happy. 

 

Originally Posted by royalbride610 

Well, everybody in our families was not happy about us having a destination wedding... We heard every excuse - it costs to much, what if we dont want a vacation in Mexico, the whole family can't come, blah blah blah.  I was a little disappointed at first when I found out that nobody was coming, but it's not about them.  Family is important to us, but we are only marrying each other and what's important is that we're happy. 

 

So, if YOU and you Fiance are happy about having the wedding that you want, then don't let anybody guilt trip you!!  If nobody comes, it'll still be romantic with just the two of you, and if they do than thats great!

 

[Barkles]

Don't feel bad I just told my best friend yesterday that I am planning a destination wedding and her responce was that her family would not be able to come.  My responce was they are welcome to to come and will receive an invitation.  I also expressed that if they are unable to make it I would understand.  She then said she would probably not be able to make it.  The funny part about that is shes in Europe so for her to come to my wedding she would have to fly to the states anyways.  But I guess if its not in her home town she wont' be able to go.  I then said.  I understand its far for you but know that you will be with me in spirit and happy for me.  Do what you want its your day.  We are doing a destination wedding on a cruise and will be partially paying for 10 members of the family to come.  Anyone else who wants to come will have to pay there own way and if they can't come thats ok too.

 

 

[DramaticAnnie]

Here's our little story, if it helps:

 

We went on our first cruise 2 years ago, with my mom and a group of people from her work. My mom wanted me to come along, and she knew I wouldn't go without FI. So we had our own room, Mom had hers, we had a blast. But we felt so bad my Dad, brothers, sisters weren't there. So the next year we planned a bigger family cruise, my Mom and sister and two brothers, my other sister and her husband, my FI and I, more family friends, it was great. Still felt kind of bad my Dad wasn't there (he doesn't go anywhere) and his mother (she's all the family he's got).

 

We also got engaged on that cruise.

 

So at the airport on the way home as I'm showing off my ring and everything, people start joking about our next cruise being a wedding criuse. Haha, funny.

We agreed we wanted to get married in 2012, we were thinking May 26, 2012. I even booked a reception venue here.

 

Then some other friends of ours went on a cruise and this time we stayed behind because we wanted to raise funds for a wedding, etc. Then we started joking about the cruise wedding idea again - more haha, etc. Finally idk at what point but we looked at each other and said - why not?

 

So we made a list. His #1 person, my #1 person, followed by #2, #3, #4 etc of WHO would absolutely have to be there in order for us to go through with it. My #1 was my Dad, and his was his mom, which we both had to then turn around and check if they would be medically able to travel as they are both getting on in their years and both have health issues.

 

Then my #2 was my mom and his #2 was his best man, who he really didn't know if he would agree as he was out of work at the time (but has since started working yay).

 

It was only after we went through the list and these very important people said that they WOULD attend.. then we started the planning process. Oh and we gave people over a year's notice so they have plenty of time to save up and everything. So now we're officially booked, its going to happen on my Dad's birthday, April 28th, 2012. Eeek! Excited.

 

In the end, a DW was just more 'us'. And our family loves cruising, so why not the cruise ship wedding. I couldnt see ourselves getting married at home with everyone's kids running around (I think kids are great but I have been to weddings where parents let them run all around the altar and up and down the aisle through the whole ceremony and I'm sorry I really hate that) and then doing the limo and picking all the flowers and decor...

 

Now that being said we are planning to do a big casual (maybe BBQ?) style AHR because there ARE some people who won't be able to come, whether theyre too elderly or financially unable to join us, etc. Don't have too many plans about that yet though. I'll have to talk to my MOH.

 

So long story short, this definetely is more 'us' - so you do whatever makes you and your FI the happiest. Enjoy!