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SDSteph

Scared to death

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OK ladies so I feel I have no where else to turn and am just going to spill the beans on the computer so here it is... 

 

I am thinking of telling my FI that I don't know if I want to get married anymore...

 

Were set to get married in Feburary (3 months).  Our invites went out last month but then our hotel blew up (Grand Sunset Princess) not the reason I wan to bail but one of the rain drops on my parade, of course.  We then decided to try and change the location and of course the date isn't open anywhere.   I have not dropped off my dress to get cleaned or even had any alterations made.  Orinally I wanted to do boudoir photos as a gift and I have not even arranged that.  So, yes I am dragging my feet. 

 

My FI and I have been together 5 years and best friends for 2 years before that and it just made sense to get married.  There is little passion in our relationship yet I understand that passion fades and solid relationships last.  We are solid.  He loves me more that I could even imagine and I him. 

 

There are other men in my life (not other boyfriends but just men around)  I find myself interstend in them....drawn to the excitment of what it is that they have to offer.  I have never even thought of doing anything but I am scared to death that I may want to. 

 

I am scared to fail at marraige.  It is the one thing I want to be amazing in my life.  I am 31 and have never been married.  We are ready to start a family and that excites me greatly.  I just don't want to put myself in a situation that may not be right for me and make a mistake,  What if I don't realize this until I am 6 months pregnat and decide I am in love with someone else.  What if I am already in love with the idea of someone else.  I am trying to not thing about the future and just thing about my current relationship because I need to think about me first before anything else.  I have not been single since I was 25.  I am scared of marriage and now I guess I am saying that I am scared of not being married. 

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This, is a decision, that has to be made by you, and only you.  I don't think you should be influanced by what other think or say.  But if you think the passion has 'disappeared', perhaps this is something you should discuss with your FI. 

 

I have been with my FI for over 8 years (since I was 21). Perhaps all the sexual passion has faded a bit, or so I thought. But when I left for a week for work, the passion was definately still there when I returned. Yes, I do look at other men. But.... I am getting married - not dying!  I have to say, that today I love him more then I did before.  We have lived together for 7 years.. and with the things that we have already gone through together, and have been able to deal with together, I know this is the man I want to grow old with.

 

I think talking is good. Maybe don't mention the other men :), but talk about your fears. I always try to talk if something in the relationship is bothering me.

 

Sorry hun, but this one is really up to you.

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Ok I want to preface this by saying this is just my opinion and I don't have any experience in this area.  I think that you need to speak to your FI and tell him how you feel.  I would also suggest that you consider counselling either together as a couple or individually.  I don't think you should be getting married at this time if you are not 100% sure it is what you want.  The resort explosion and your date not being available give you a very legitimate and plausible reason to postpone your wedding.  I think you need to do some sole searching and have some bvery honest discussions with your FI.  YOu both need to figure out what you want and what is best for you.  If it is staying togetehr and just postponing the wedding, great.  But if that is not what is right, you need to figure that out now before you marry.  You have some very difficult decisions and discussions ahead, good luck with it.  In the end, you need to do what you feel is best for you.  Again, I would really recommend a counselor to help you.  Hugs.

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My advice would be to postpone the wedding because you have a legitimate excuse and then try to go to pre-marital counseling or even just a marriage prep course. Your FI is your best friend and you should be able to discuss your insecurities with him and not worry about the outcome.

 

I've seen a lot of people get married because it is the next logical step, and then go on to have children for the same reason. Sometimes it works out, other times they feel an obligation to stay together. Everyone deserves happiness and you should do all you can to ensure that in 40 years you still have the desire to share intimacy with your husband, even if that intimacy is just holding hands.

 

We all deserve love, no matter when in our lives it comes along.

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The only good advice I can give is to talk to him. I wouldnâ€t make the conversations about your thoughts and feelings about other men, but just about you two. Counseling would probably help a great deal as would maybe postponing the wedding. If, after that, it turns out that he isnâ€t the one, itâ€s ok. Just please donâ€t let the thought of not being married be the reason you decide to. All the best with whatever you decide.

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Steph - I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I do however feel that we could NEVER give you the perfect advice.  The fact is we are all strangers to you..... we can't say if its right or wrong for you to have these feelings because we don't know the ins and outs of your life.  So I don't want to say its perfectly normal under the circumstances because I don't KNOW that.  So I guess what I'm saying is you need to take a step back and really evaluate your situation.  The plus side, which the other girls already indicated, is that you have a legit reason to postpone the wedding.  I definitely agree with Lisa though, don't get married because you're afraid of not being married!  Even if it seems tough to start over in the relationship department, just think how tough it would be to spend the rest of your life with the wrong person.

 

I'm sorry I'm not better help!!  Good luck Steph!!

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That was probably really hard to write out but it's honest, and I think you have to be honest with him for the reasons you mentioned.  Maybe you just have cold feet or maybe it is more than that.  It's easy to walk away from a relationship as a single woman but a lot harder to walk away from a marriage (especially if you have children) so if you aren't fairly certain then there is nothing wrong with waiting until you are. 

 

Best wishes :)

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time will tell. postpone the wedding for know. talk to your FI and see if there is anything else that is making you feel this way about your relationship with him. Are you looking for attention from others bc he isn't giving you enough? Soul searching will do wonders.

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As stated before I am sure this was very hard for you to write but it is always good to let things out, especially something so crucial like this. Getting married is a very serious commitment and if you are having doubts about it then you really need to sit your FI down and tell him how you are feeling. If he is going to be the man you spend the rest of your life with then you should feel comfortable talking to him. The worst thing you can do is go forth with this marriage and not express your doubts and fears at all and end up living the rest of your life regretting that you never spoke up. Life is too short and you deserve to be happy and confident in the decisions you make for your future.

 

I wish you so much luck in whatever you decide to do. Please keep us updated.

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The girls are right on the money, and I agree with them all. If there's anything I can add, it's that you need to remember that whatever you decide, it's not just your life that will be affected. FI deserves to be with someone who truly, deeply and honestly loves him (as do you!). If you're not that person, then as hard as it is, you have to give him the opportunity to move on and find that joy. The same goes for you too -- don't settle for anything less, or you will forever have a case of the 'what ifs'. Good luck sweetie, and good for you for being strong and mature enough to not only acknowledge that something is not right, but also to take steps towards resolving the issue. 

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