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Should I invite my dad??....

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20 replies to this topic

#1 jodieP

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    Posted 19 April 2010 - 07:49 AM


    I am so torn over this and it's really getting me down!!

    OK here goes....

    My step dad is walking me down the aisle, giving me away and in every respect he is considered my father! It would be no other way! I love him dearly and vice-versa! He really deserves the title of 'my dad'. Im so luck to have had such a wonderful step father.

    Now as for BIO Dad.... we're in contact every 6 months or so. He is re-married with kids, i've not seen his wife in maybe 20 years, I've never met any of his kids, 5 to be exact who don't know i exist from a previous marriage(whole separate topic I guess). We have a pretty ok relationship. More like friends i guess? He knows i'm engaged but not about of any of the wedding plans yet?

    So here is the dilemma....

    Do I invite him?

    a) he doesn't get on at all with my mother or my family
    B) would it be harder because he would have to watch my step-father give me away?
    c) It would involve traveling from scotland to mexico for the wedding, would he come alone, with his wife, what would he tell the kids, would he tell them?
    d) He knows none of my friends, my fiance or his family and not seen any of my family in 20+ years?

    A big part of me knows he'll find out where it is and somehow tell me that he wont be there, work commitments, kids etc before the invite stage? Should I approach it with the attitude of he's invited and let him back out or just tell him it wouldn't be practical in ten diff ways for him to come? Im so torn and wish it were normal circumstances kinda? but there is a whole load of issues here and i have wrestled with this for months?

    any feedback would be deeply appreciated!!
    Sorry for the mini novel!! :S

    24 Booked plus bride & groom

    #2 bahiabride2010

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    • 997 posts

      Posted 19 April 2010 - 08:27 AM

      Wow Jodie...super tough situation...with all your reasons about why not it sounds like you've already decided. We've not been having quite the same issue but my FI's parents are back in court right now over money so there is extreme tension between the two. They don't even want to be in the same room, I've having to work on them about coming to our his and her shower. On the other hand, we invited pretty much everyone to our wedding and just hoped some wouldn't come. I don't think this is the best idea because you will get some surprises. Go with your heart...if you're really not close then I would say no. Just my two cents...hope it's helpful!

      #3 cristinimartini

      • Banned
      • 546 posts

        Posted 19 April 2010 - 08:29 AM

        Hi Jodie!
        I understand your situation...and I wrestled a lot with "who should I invite" based on issues that people have with each other in my family, not even between me and them! I didn't want to worry about who was going to fight with who, and how uncomfortable it would be for ME.

        So after putting a lot of thought into it I realized that I was making it harder on myself and I needed to stop. SO, I invited all of them. I let THEM make the decision to come or not. If they had an issue with someone, and it was bad enough for them to NOT want to be in paradise for my wedding, then so be it. But I couldn't decide for them. You may invite him, and he might not even go! You said your relationship is more like a friend, so maybe you can casually go through your wedding party with him and mention your stepdad is walking you down the aisle. Sounds like he wouldn't be too surprised at that, and may actually cause him to reflect on his own relationship with you, and his family.

        I think you made the right choice in asking your stepdad to do the honors. He earned the title.

        Best of luck!!

        P.S. FI and I talk about taking a trip to Scotland to tour the Macallan distillery...our favorite!! mmmmm....hehehe...

        #4 Sapphire723

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        • 888 posts

          Posted 19 April 2010 - 08:31 AM

          From what you've said, it seems like he won't come anyway. So, as long as you won't be upset if you invite him and he declines, I think it would be good to invite him.

          I mean, if he only contacts you twice a year and doesn't tell his family about you, it's not like he's going to expect that he'll be the one to walk you down the aisle (unless he's delusional). And hopefully if he does show up, everyone can suck up their true feelings for a week and focus on your happiness.

          #5 josietoms

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            Posted 19 April 2010 - 08:50 AM

            Hey Jodie
            For what my pennies worth - i think by inviting him it shows that you werent trying to keep anything away from him. It shows you in the best light to all concerned and the chances of anyone attending all the way from the UK to Mexico on their own if they do not get on with anyone else is pretty remote. I would invite him with the knowledge in the back of your mind that he wont attend.

            On a seperate note i see you are a fellow UK brides and also Jan 2011. There is a thread going for all us Jan 2011 brides in the Riviera Maya section; hope to see you there soon.

            And good luck in whatever your decision is I hope it all works out for you :-)
            Josie x

            #6 aubry

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            • 191 posts

              Posted 19 April 2010 - 08:53 AM

              I can't say what is best for you, but I can tell you what's happened in my own family and how it worked: Background - my stepdad adopted me when I was 18 because bio dad wouldn't give permission. I don't really have a relationship with bio dad and haven't since I was about 10. My two brothers do, but it's more like friend. He more or less abandoned us and my stepdad/dad raised us.

              I didn't invite bio dad at all. For me, it was important to have the people I was closest to, and I didn't want to hurt them in any way or have tension a part of my planning. While ideally, I didn't want more strain with my bio dad, his feelings are, very frankly, lower priority. Then again, I'm not close to him. One thought to consider - if he's not been involved in your life and is more like a friend, would you invite him if there was no "blood" involved?

              My brothers struggled much more. Being on the outside, I saw the tension just the invitation caused. My dad/stepdad is a wonderful man, and would never tell us because he wouldn't want the burden on us, but it does hurt him when our bio dad is invited because in the back of his mind I think if feels a bit like a rejection of all he's done for us. That's what my mom alluded to, anyway, when we discussed it. There was also much tension for the extended family while we were wondering if he would show up.

              Of course, this was just what happened in my family. I know each family is nuanced, so good luck with this tough decision. So sorry you have to make it, but so glad you, too, have a great stepdad!

              #7 ChicagoPT

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              • 307 posts

                Posted 19 April 2010 - 09:02 AM

                I think you should send the invite. That way you wont feel gulity about not inviting him. You shouldnt change anything though or feel bad about your choices if he does end up coming.

                #8 Thomasjsgirl

                • Sr. Member
                • 1,098 posts

                  Posted 19 April 2010 - 10:31 AM

                  Definitely invite him, but with full disclosure. Let him know who will be there and that he won't be walking you down the aisle. At this stage I doubt he would be surprised that he's not been asked to escort his daughter down the aisle. The fact that his new family doesn't even know about you suggests he won't come as how on earth would he explain it? It's not like he's travelling to the next town over, he would be flying to Mexico and I bet his family would want to know where the tan came from, lol! Easier said than done, I know, but bite the bullet and get it overwith so you can focus on more important things!
                  Lucy & Tom - Married 24.11.08
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                  #9 carolina24

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                  • 1,573 posts

                    Posted 19 April 2010 - 12:44 PM

                    wow craziness! i really think that you should do what would make YOU and most of the guests comfortable.

                    for example, do you really want this to be the first time your FI meets your bio dad as you put it?
                    and bio dad doesnt get along with your mom or that side of the family at all...mom and family have been a huge part of your life (i assume), where he is more of a "friend" that you talk to several times a year.

                    i get that he's your father, but blood ISN'T thicker than water...the important people in your life are those who have always been there for you, in good and bad.

                    i say don't invite him, you can explain to him that your mom and family won't be comfortable with him being there...i had to do this with one of my aunts b/c she screwed my other aunt (whos like my second mom) over big time. yeah it's a crappy convo to have, but worth it in the end b/c its YOUR day and you don't wanna have to deal with any added stress.

                    good luck!!

                    #10 nmurch

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                    • 396 posts

                      Posted 19 April 2010 - 12:44 PM

                      i would invite him but again tell him the details that he's there as a guest,
                      not to walk you down the isle not to be all lalla i'm the father of the bride,
                      but yes i would invite him

                      good luck either way, i know it's tough making this decision i'm kinda in the same boat!
                      jan 11 cant come soon enough...

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